The Emperor Of Indiana

The Emperor Of Indiana holds forth from a booth in Katy's Fill-Up Station, so named because

You can fill both your gas tank and your pie hole there.

The Emperor expresses disdain for the current (incompetent) neighboring American government.

The Emperor's subjects, scattered around Katy's, offer hosannas



And well-considered advice

("Why don't you shut the fuck up, you crazy dipshit?").

The Emperor Of Indiana is cheered by the enthusiasm of his people because he realizes, without them, he would be nothing but a sun at the bottom of the sea,

A searchlight hidden in a cave.

Terre Haute must be conquered first. He likes the pancake house they have there.

Still, for all of his imperial grandeur, The Emperor Of Indiana lacks one thing: a Queen.

In walks the Queen Of The Vampires.

She is dressed entirely in black, and is wearing ginormous sunglasses and a wide-brimmed straw hat. (She is photosensitive.)

"Hi guys," she chirps. "I seem to have gotten a little bit turned around..."

She asks if anyone can tell her how to get from there to Danny's Coffee Shop in Norman, Oklahoma.

The Emperor Of Indiana graciously offers to drive her there.

After a few miles in what she does not realize is the wrong direction, he tells her she must forget her life up to now; she is to be his Empress.

However, his reign does not last quite as long as he had anticipated!

The Emperor Of Indiana is found by the roadside the next morning.

Cause of death: exsanguination.

Following a road map purchased at a service station, The Queen Of The Vampires does eventually find her way back to Danny's.

Chloe comes staggering in the front door, gasping and unable to speak. Tears stream from her eyes as she points helplessly at the street outside the coffee shop.

Then she lets loose with a loud snort, followed by a braying laugh which goes on and on.

God, Denise, The Succubus, and the Dark Haired Chick all go, "What???"

Chloe can only point to the street before collapsing from hilarity.

The Danny's girls all head out the door in a line like ducklings,

With (heartbreakingly cute) questioning smiles on their faces.

Outside, they find a rusted-out red pick-up truck with a camper top on it and the Queen Of The Vampires getting out of it.

It has stickers espousing the National Rifle Association and the Indianapolis Colts football team.

Others have slogans like "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!"

God rolls Her eyes.

The other gals howl.

The Queen Of The Vampires stands there on the sidewalk and she...



There is a cursory investigation.

The Succubus tells the FBI that she saw Pat Robertson getting out of the stolen pick-up truck.

Chloe swears it was Greta Van Susteren.

Both Robertson and Van Susteren are questioned and briefly detained before the Emperor Of Indiana's death is officially ruled a "wild animal attack."

The truck is towed away.

"There goes your ride!" cries Chloe delightedly.

"Shut up," mutters the Queen Of The Vampires abashedly.

Meanwhile back at Katy's, the Emperor Of Indiana is eulogized.

("Dumb bastard.")

("Fuckin' loon.")

They are sure to miss him there for a very long time to come.


TALON said…
You know, I bet the Emperor of Indiana died happy - knowing he'd finally met his Empress :)
Riot Kitty said…
Your gas tank and your pie hole!! LOL!
RachelW said…
Pie-hole? My goodness... ;) That takes me straight to "Shut your pie-hole", which I suppose is entirely appropriate!
mac said…
He's in a better place now.

Yes, I've been to Indianna, I'm sure of it.
Cloudia said…
you, Shay, are OUR empress

Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral
cinderkeys said…
I lived in Indiana for a time. Would've been more interesting if the QOTV had stopped by every once in a while.
Sara said…
LOL this one was FUN:~) I like the fact that something could make the QOTV actually blush!!!

I can't feel too badly for the Emperor of Indiana...he should have known better than to try to conquer the QOTV.

Do tell, has she ever met her match?
Daryl said…
I am so wanting to be one of The Danny's girls .. 'cept I dont do cute well ...
Mojo said…
What, nobody blamed Glenn Beck?? Shit girls, you really screwed the pooch on that one. What an opportunity! All it'd take was a consistent story from them and ...


Do I have to do everything myself?

T said…
I agree with Cloudia, you are OUR empress!
This was fun, as always, I wouldn't expect anything less from you.

I have been such a bad friend, my Dear Shay, not taking the time for my Shay time. Please accept my apologies.

It seems lately, I have been pulled in many directions, and haven't had any me time, for a very long time.

I will "try" to do better.

Mama Zen said…
So, THAT'S what it takes to get her to blush!
Joanna Jenkins said…
I dont' know which I liked better--
"...he would be nothing but a sun at the bottom of the sea..." or "God rolled her eyes".

ellen abbott said…
'However, his reign does not last quite as long as he had anticipated!'

Clever girl Shay, you are a clever girl.
Jannie Funster said…
How did I know it would be a succubus poem? I just knew!

They have a Danny's coffee shop just down the road from here now. I don't darken the door. I likes my curernt sanguination level just fine.

Anonymous said…
I enjoyed this very much! Thanks.
Love, Sockmonk :+)

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