Monday, May 30, 2011

From The Mouths Of Mice...

I have received the Overlord Award from Lolamouse at Rants From The Hormonally Challenged. Ms. Mouse also writes the spifftastic Mouse Droppings blog. I'm not sure how she first stumbled across Word Garden (I suspect that it may have been court-ordered, or perhaps she just took the wrong exit off the freeway in her Mousemobile) but I'm glad she did. She has quickly become one of my favorite bloggers!

Still, imagine my surprise when a huge delivery truck manned by two extraordinarily hairy men backed into my drive early this morning, waking me with all that beep beep beep stuff. One of them flourished a clipboard (flourishing is a difficult thing to do for someone with more hair on his knuckles than on his head, but he did it) and told me to sign. The other hefted my award, still in its wooden packing crate, onto his back and carried it into my house. He said, "Where you want this, ma'am?" I said, here. No, over there. Gosh, nuh uh, I think maybe over by the....

Well. The dirty look he gave me. 

So now it sits in the middle of my living room, leaking packing peanuts all over the carpet. I opened the little plastic bag with the shipping information in it (as well as some cheddar cheese and other suspiciously mouse-related items) and found that there are RULES with this award! 

(Cue the scary Hitchcock movie music) Rules? Really? I went pale and held on to the bannister for support as I broke into a cold sweat. The room seemed to start spinning. What's that, readers? Me, a drama queen? Where DO you get this stuff? Anyway, there are rules, and you know how I get when I hear the R Word.

The rules are thus: I get to be Overlord Queen and change three things about the world with my unlimited super powers! Then, I must bestow the award onto ten bloggers deserving of wielding world domination as if it were a child's plaything. Well gosh, I can do that! Can we start right away? We can? Yay!

Now, Readers, you might think that I would waste use my powers to end world hunger or something. Pfffft. I'll leave that to Bono. Here are my three things!

1. I would empty a vial of a carefully created virus into the drinking water. It would have no effect on some. But when anyone utters certain phrases after drinking the water, their tongues would swell up and "God wants..." or "My name is Rush Limbaugh..." would become "Ghhft lmpba gugh" instead. Not only that, but after the swelling goes down, they would only be able to say what they really mean. Thus, "I support family values" would come out as "My intern is so hot!" and "You betcha!" would come out as "Buy me some more clothes!"

2. Um. *shifts guiltily, shuffles feet* I was gonna say, Emmylou Harris wakes up tomorrow morning and likes women, and more than that, likes THIS woman. Bliss ensues. But...if I knew it was just my magical hocus pocus that caused it, and not my winning ways, it wouldn't be any fun. Well okay, not as MUCH fun. I would feel bad about hoodwinking Emmylou.  So how about this? I get a lifetime supply of concert tickets, front row seats, backstage pass, and a private jet complete with hot female (uniformed!) pilot to get me there, in perpetuity. Yeah. That works!

3. I get to trade bodies with Jordana Brewster, and not only that, but my new body just REFUSES to ever gain weight, no matter what I eat! I know, weird, right! And furthermore, my new body would come with all of her clothes, too, like I was some sort of intelligent Barbie from space. I'm liking it! Okay, my work here is done. Now to give this here award to some right fine bloggers:

Mama Zen, who already got it from Lolamouse, but now she has two and can use them as bookends for all those books she reviews!

Hedgewitch, who doesn't really do this sort of stuff, and now will have to either compromise her (fabulous) blog, or snub me. I think of everything!

Sherry Blue Sky, who will just waste it doing good for the downtrodden. I know, I've talked to her and talked to her, trying to make her more evil, but she just wants to be good. It's frustrating!

Lolamouse at Mouse Droppings! Back atcha, woman!

Raven, who I sincerely hope will use these powers in a Christian way. *falls over laffing, hits book shelf with head, and gets conked with the Wiccan Spellbook*

Sara, because Sara always reads my poems so carefully and I love her for that.

Ellen, who tells Texas hi from me all the time.

Herman Turnip, who is seriously disturbed and so I adore him and the music downloads he walks on. I do wish he would post more about elephants, though.

Rene Foran, who I think really IS a Rockefeller but just won't fess up!

Babs St Argent at Objets D'art, who will point out that she already has total power over the universe, but hey, here's an extra shiny bauble for you.

Okay, that's it. What were you expecting? Poetry or something??? 
________   

14 comments:

Sioux said...

Now that you're Overlord, do we have to genuflect when we see you? Drop vials of Emmylou Harris' sweat at your feet? Tell us, tell us do!

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Oh goody! Powers! World peace, here we come!

You are so hilarious. But now, instead of counting clouds on my way home, I will be Thinking of What To Write in response. Argh.

Brian Miller said...

ghast neruf me to tell you...wait that did not come out right...rhasnmi meka to tell you...

if that award dont glitter and have cute furry creatures i would send it back...smiles.

Dulce said...

you are who you deserve to be, and so am i (?)
And you get it right!
Congrats, Shay.
and...Whatever you write is poetry
:-)

ellen abbott said...

aw, thanks sweetie. but I gotta tell ya, there are people around here who already think I overlord it all the time.

hedgewitch said...

Congrats and hope that award is soon claimed by it's rightful owner Bosco, since we *both* know who the real overlord is at your place. AFA insignificant moi, I would never snub you dear, but I am not sure I am worthy, and also, does anyone (besides me)really want to live in a world where there are no republicans, no cities, and everyone worships Odin in tasteful forest clearings with big stone circles?

brenda w said...

This made me laugh out loud. Your humor blessed my morning. I especially love the idea of Rush Limbaugh speechless, or mumblfied at any rate. ha!
~Brenda

Lolamouse said...

Hey, not fair! No tag backs! Well, if I must, I will assume the mantle of World Dominatrix, I mean, domination, once again. But only for you, my dear.

Sara said...

Shay,

LOL I love it when you get an award and this one is perfect for you. Who could beat you in your creative acceptance of it!!!

You made me laugh when I was working on a holiday. This was very much appreciated, as was the award.

Raven said...

Ah, fellow Supreme Overlord, thank you for the award! I must now retreat to my fake mountain and ponder just what I will do with this new power. Oh the possibilities. Mwahahahahaha

TALON said...

All good things, Shay - especially the water one!

Mama Zen said...

To Hedgewitch - Yes!

You will be taking guests to those Emmylou concerts, right?

HermanTurnip said...

So, *that* explains the "We tried to deliver a package but you weren't home" noticed tapped to my front door, and the stale cheese crumbs on my front step.

I've signed the notice, allowing them to drop off the package tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully they'll do so without frightening the neighbors who are skittish around delivery men who possess more flair than hair.

Helen said...

I've read this comment after your poems more than once ... it's true ~ you spoil us.