Friday, August 5, 2011

Flawed

It turns out Heaven is not wheelchair accessible--
Got to keep the feebs out, and I'm
In a double bind for being queer.

Oh, if only I'd not stood high on the steps of the parking structure,
Arms spread,
Blathering about being the queen of the world;
No devil ever fell faster,
And I wasn't even sorry about fucking up that guy's Beemer.

My Love, My Love,
Where have you gone?
Are there ramps there,
And is your hair
Still the most glorious thing in the world?

In my ardor, I doze off,
And dream that I am perched in the window of the Barbie bedroom I coveted as a child--
I am so temporarily beautiful that the sun alters its arc to be closer to me,
And my legs are magnificent, whole and strong.

See?
In the window glass?
My face.
My real face.

I reach my hands around, every finger ringed and jewelled,
And tap on the far side of the pane--
Let me in, Heaven.
Let me in, My Love.
Oh, pretty girl with the perfect face, so remotely familiar--
Let me in,
I beg you.

_____

For the record, I am not disabled, but I did grow up with a facial disfigurement. They say that the facially disfigured are the only ones who look in the mirror and do not see themselves.

19 comments:

Sioux said...

"..that the sun alters its arc to be closer to me." What a gorgeous line and image.

Shay, you started my day off with a scrap of black humor along with some ticked-off posturing and achingly-powerful yearning.

The idea of someone not seeing their real image in the mirror is intriguing. I guess the mind is a powerful healing mechanism.

(But hey, I just came here for more raccoons...What happened?)

Susannah said...

"I am so temporarily beautiful that the sun alters its arc to be closer to me" - Such a gorgeous line!

I've been reading but not commenting much lately. You see, I love everything you write! seriously! and to keep saying it seems....hmmm, I dunno, predictable! So I decided to just let you know occasionally (but please know that everytime you post something, I am all 'wow, I love that!'. Okay? :-)

Susannah x

Brian Miller said...

mmm...some great lines here...first, i think many will be madly surprised who ends up in heaven...like the tapping on the pane to be let in, makes me think of tossing rocks...that you tap on the other side and see your reflection makes me wonder if you are talking to yourself...and the line of the sun is exquisite...

Lynn said...

That's beautiful, FB, and a little sad.

nene said...

Enjoy the arc of the Sun and its sister, the Rainbow for these are the fingers, the touch of our Heaven on Earth.

Heaven is within us, we are it's image here on earth and if 'The Maker' is without judgement, for judgement is a mundane term, therefore you need not tap on the window pane for it is open. Love has no 'judgement'.

Welcome to Heaven

Your beautiful words are the keys to the Gate.

ellen abbott said...

If heaven won't let you in then it's not worth going.

Titanium said...

Heaven wouldn't let me in either, so I had to make my own. Have to admit, it's a whole lot more tolerant and fun-filled in my version.

Marion said...

What a beautiful poem full of magic. I think you're beautiful inside and out. I love the new look of your blog. xo

hedgewitch said...

Nothing I can say can really touch how well you've already said it here.To me every single rule set up to "get to Heaven" is contradicted by the catch-22's of the system set up to get us there. This is a fine fine poem, Shay. It almost hurts it's so sharply honed.

[my word verification is "toydr" apparently my psychology cred is being questioned by the fates..]

Sherry Blue Sky said...

So beautiful and poignant. I'm like Susannah. Never enough words to tell you how much your writing means to me. AND you ARE beautiful, Shay.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

I love the photo at the top of your blog! way cool.

Heaven said...

The words are very soulful and haunting.... Heaven is a word I am strongly drawn too, both in meaning and as a journey.

I have a scar in my knee.. I find it unsightly but my hubby adores my legs, finding it perfect. I say beauty is in the eye of the beholder...and your words are beautiful, just like its writer.

haikulovesongs said...

i don't like to look in mirrors ~ the reality does not live up to what i see in the eyes of the one who loves me.

i also don't know that i believe in heaven or a god who is so judgmental.

brian used the word that first came to my mind upon reading ~

"I am so temporarily beautiful that the sun alters its arc to be closer to me,"

exquisite! just as you are, Shay! ♥
dani

Cloudia said...

"Oh let me in"


Aloha from Waikiki;


Comfort Spiral
> < } } ( ° >

Tabitha said...

What's the hurry ?

You've got a talent to write..
Don't stop.

We see the world as we see ourselves.
I hope you see beauty.

Jenny said...

Your words...

somehow go into my heart...

and stay there for awhile.

Mama Zen said...

This is exquisite.

Daryl said...

Needs many re-reads to savor all the images .. they melt into memories as I devour them

Lolamouse said...

This is so beautiful and sad and full of longing.