Thursday, June 11, 2015

I Am Joe's Mutated Descendant

(Another in the popular "I Am Joe's..." series of articles in which Joe's spleen--or whatever--speaks to us in a friendly, confidential way.)

Hi. I am Joe's mutated descendant! You see, eons ago, Joe wandered down into a creepy, dank, lightless cave, and despite Mrs. Joe's strenuous objections, he decided to live there. Yes, it actually was the first "man cave." 

Over millions of years, Joe and his descendants adapted to this unforgiving subterranean world. By the time I came along, it was a whole new ballgame! With no light to see by, eyes became superfluous and disappeared. Living in a world of total darkness, albinism replaced pigmentation. And Mrs. Joe finally got something she wanted...sex with the lights off!

However, I got bored living inside an underground cave, and decided to come out and live on the surface. With no pigment, I looked like Mr. Clean! I knew I would need a job in order to survive, so I bought a pair of sunglasses and learned to play piano and sing.  Stevie Wonder termed my music "disturbing." All the same, I'm the king of white blues! 

I even got married. I have no idea of she's pretty or ugly; it doesn't matter! We have two beautiful children and even though my wife refuses to feed them the lichen and small invertebrates I was raised on, we're a happy family! For Christmas she gave me SPF 5,000 sun block in an industrial drum. How thoughtful is she? 

So there you have it. I am Joe's mutated sightless albino descendant. Musician. Family man. Regular dude.

If you found this article informative, come back next month for "I Am Joe's Vestigial Tail." Also, don't miss Joe's childhood memoir "How Many Fucking Bats Are In Here, Anyway?" , available from Carlsbad Press.  
_____



for Corey's "Cavern Of My Thoughts" challenge at Real Toads. 

17 comments:

Cloudia said...

Delightfully twisted!







ALOHA from Honolulu,
ComfortSpiral
=^..^=

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Laughing out loud...only you would think of the original man cave.........and the titles of upcoming installments sound highly intriguing........you are hilarious.

Sioux said...

The other titles CAN be bought on Amazon, right? ;)

Sanaa Rizvi said...

Quite an interesting tale..! Loved the caveman reference :D Would love to read what you have to offer next month!

Lots of love,
Sanaa

Jinksy said...

What a brilliant tale. Hehehe. Sun block will be worn on every occasion...

K9friend said...

Sunglasses and sunblock...perfect for any musician!

Pat
Critter Alley

hedgewitch said...

I am rather disappointed that with his superior breeding and brain, Joe did not choose to become a nuclear physicist or law professor. I do feel that when his blues career tanks, he will find new hope as an elected official. That is a profession where it helps to be blind. Laughed my not-so-vestigial tail off here, Shay.

Herotomost said...

Haaaaa!!! Damn..comment disappeared. Love the fist man cave. Mrs. Joe must have loved him like Andie McDowell loved Powder! I think his music changed a bit in the early 90's and he became known as Moby! Loved this, you never disappoint!

Kerry O'Connor said...

Well, this is certainly very different from anything else I have read today.. but I wouldn't expect 'similar' from you. Thanks for the laugh, FB.

Marian said...

Haha, Moby!
Fun ride, FB.

Helen said...

Cave man / man cave ~ delightful write!

Margaret said...

"sex with the lights off"... hysterical. I was really wondering what direction you would take with this. Creative as always.

De said...

Too much fun. That "first man cave" cracked.me.up.

Outlawyer said...

Ha. The process notes are especially informative. Thanks, Shay! laughing. k.

Mama Zen said...

There is only one bat in here. He is just very, very flighty.

brudberg said...

Ha.. The SPF 5000 would be the perfect gift. Lots of fun

Daryl said...

such fun ..

you know what always impresses me aside from your ability to write in so many ways .. your ability to always find the right illustration to go with the writing ...