Saturday, November 7, 2015

The Advice Communist

The "Life" section of the Detroit Daily Worker begins 
running a column called "The Advice Communist" alongside
state-sanctioned recipes for cornbread pie and
tips for decorating your collective factory.

Dear Advice Communist, writes Cheryl from Oak Park,
My mother wants a big church wedding, but my fiance
doesn't. They fight continually about it and I am in the 
middle.
Please help.

The Advice Communist reads the letter carefully, adjusts his
pince-nez, then composes his response:
There is no God, therefore your mother is a czarist symp-
athizer. 
Inform the authorities about her. Then after she
disappears, get married by a noble worker in the bed
of his state-manufactured farm truck.

Nancy from Southfield writes, My relatives from Frankenmuth
are visiting for Thanksgiving, and I am worried because
they don't control their bratty kids. What can I do?

Dear Nancy: Drive back the fascist swine with a withering hail
of machine-gun fire, followed by  mighty waves
of infantry. Pound them with artillery until nightfall,
then let the Michigan winter do the rest. If the cowards abandon
any of their indoctrinated swine-children, put them on
a train to the gulag. Happy Holidays!

The Detroit Daily Worker also runs the "Peanuts" comic
strip, featuring noble proletariat Lucy and 
capitalist puppet Charlie Brown. 
______

For De Jackson's "Let's Get Jambin' " at Dverse Place of Counterproductive Intoxication, and, of course, for the glory of the worker!

"The Advice Communist" first appeared as part of a May 7, 2011 post at my satire blog Objets D'art

8 comments:

Sioux said...

Shay--I'm so glad you reheated this and served it up. Hi. Lar. I. Ous.

(I especially love the second letter and response. Could I borrow those machine guns and infantrymen for MY Thanksgiving? There's some in-laws I'd love to mow down...)

Kerry O'Connor said...

This is so clever!

Bodhirose said...

Ha...this is so fun! I enjoyed every word.

De said...

Shay, I just adore the voice in this. And of course, your technique with "middle" is perfect. Great line break flow throughout. So glad you linked up!

Mama Zen said...

"withering hail of machine-gun fire . . ." Take that swine-children!

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Cackling.

brudberg said...

Ha.. I think you would love to read Svetlana Alexievich... this sounds like exactly how you transform the proletariat from kulak values...

grapeling said...

Chuck as a bastion of the quo. Love this. ~