Keen to fill the world
With as many spotted babies as I can.
To do this,
I quick-step the hot dry grass, bold as noon,
And get backchannel mojo from the moon.
Don't fuck with me--
I have killed and eaten myself, then been mother to myself,
So I am not afraid of much.
I say what I want.
I make my own rules.
When I die, it will be because my heart has burst,
And I will not, even then, be sorry.
I told you, and it's gospel--
I am one fast bitch.
_____
for Shawna's 1999/heat prompt at dverse poetics. In 1999, I was profoundly different. I was in the winding-down stages of a thirteen year straight marriage. Except for a dozen or so poems that I wrote during a brief burst in 1996, I had not written poetry in more than a decade, and would not again until 2006. Almost all of my energies went toward doing the right thing, with others in mind, and yet, all of that color by numbers just blew up in my face by 2001. In 1999 I had buried my true self so deep inside of the construct I had created, that I couldn't really feel a damn thing. I never cried. I might laugh or smile if I thought something was funny, but then it was gone as quickly as it came. I began to sincerely believe that I had lost the very ability to be feel happy. Now, I am all over the map, but I feel intensely, write intensely, and have reinvented myself and my life. I even legally changed my name a decade ago. So, what was 1999 all about? I used to look in the mirror and over and over I would find myself thinking, "Who *is* that?" It sure wasn't me. Must have been a brilliant disguise...
hey Spot!
ReplyDeleteAloha from Waikiki
Comfort Spiral
>< } } ( ° >
Shay, I think we all have those years that we look back on and wonder, in retrospect, what the hell they were about. It sounds like 1999 was one of those years for you, yet you have specific memories. I had not thought of 1999 in a long time, but the topic hit me like a lead balloon, and I think I will dream about it tonight. And... a fast bitch is not a bad thing!
ReplyDeleteThat song ruled a part of my life, too. There's nothing worse than being trapped in a prison you've built yourself, where other people are both totally dependent on you, and totally in control.Can't imagine you being silent so long, but then same here. This is a fine fast bitch of a poem about opening up the cage door, for me, especially stanza three.
ReplyDeleteGlad you've been found, again.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to that feeling of walking in darkness, sometimes in the light yet not knowing where I'm at.
Sounds like we've all walked that same part of the highway. I'm not afraid of much, either. I so relate to this poem, Shay, and to your journey home to yourself. I made that trek myself, too bad it took me so long. But this side of it, it's so worth it!
ReplyDeleteUgh. Your bio makes me feel sick; I feel just like that sometimes: "Who *is* that?"
ReplyDeleteAs for the poem, these are my favorite lines:
"Keen to fill the world
With as many spotted babies as I can" ... cracked me up
"backchannel mojo from the moon"
"I told you, and it's gospel"
you know...you ma'am are beautiful.
ReplyDeletei am glad you broke free and reimaged who you are or found who you are cause you are just about perfect now...
and def an inspiration.
smiles.
Celebration. Escape from the confines. I visit and read often, but don't comment much. Just wanted you to know I enjoy reading your writing.
ReplyDeleteYousei Hime
You hate to hear of people suffering (okay, that's not totally true; there are some folks I'd LOVE to see suffer), but if you HAD to emerge from those fiery depths--and were transformed into Shay--we're so happy you found yourself.
ReplyDeletethink the deeper and longer we burry ourselves under the load of what others expect us to be, the more difficult it is to break free...but when we manage, there's now way to stop us..great you made it shay
ReplyDeleteMy kind of poem, this: single-minded. No messing!
ReplyDeleteYou reinvented yourself - I'm glad you are happy now, Shay.
ReplyDeleteIt was our year, wasn't it? I love how you called it a 'color by numbers'...thanks for sharing, and I'm so glad your poetic voice came back. We would be lacking something special without it.
ReplyDeleteThe gospel according to Shay .. appropriate reading on this Sunday morning! I am thankful you found the true YOU ... profoundly thankful.
ReplyDelete"I have killed and eaten myself, then been mother to myself,
ReplyDeleteSo I am not afraid of much."
And, the people said "Amen."
I really appreciated your author notes and see many parallels. I didn't do the 1999 prompt. When I look back I can't find myself at all. Your poem inspires me.
ReplyDeleteWow. Talk about reinventing a life! So glad you had the courage and strength to do something about your unhappiness and change things. We readers are VERY glad you're writing again! I still can't quite get a grip on 1999. I think my brain was still in deep freeze from diapers, bottles, and nursery school! (Shivers.)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're no longer numb, Shay. I'm so glad you are free to be intensely you. The beauty of knowing real happiness is the beauty of knowing true sadness, I believe.
ReplyDeletei'm so happy to know you as you are now, SP!
ReplyDeletei didn't.... no, COULDN'T do this prompt because the only two things i really remember about 1999 are the Prince song {which actually came out in 1982 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDmW6RTZ5MQ } and the Y2K scare. a pretty uneventful year for me. {smile}
♥
the butterfly emerged from her cocoon.
ReplyDelete