Saturday, July 9, 2016

Life With Super Zac

Zacky pees on the computer room carpet. Again.

"Zacky, what did you DO?" I ask, pointing. Zacky says raccoons came in and did that. Zacky says it rained last night, just in that one spot. Indoors. Zacky says maybe it is oil bubbling up through the floor and we are rich.

"It isn't black, and it smells like pee."

Zacky calls 1-800-MIKE-WINS. Mike Morse, attorney at law, petitions the court for carpet samples, lab reports, camera footage (if any) and lines up character witnesses. As Zac's mom, I am asked to testify on his behalf, which is awkward.

Zac goes on Oprah and says his mom is mean for no reason, blaming him for what the raccoons did. The audience gasps. There are hugs and tears. Oprah gives everyone in the audience a chew bone, hidden under their seat. 

"Zacky, PLEASE. Just stop peeing in the computer room!"

"I wuz framed!" maintains Zacky from behind bars. He has to wear a little striped prison outfit and he plays the harmonica so sad it breaks the guards' hearts. They let him out. He comes home and pees on the computer room floor. Again.

"ZACKY!!!!!!!!" (chase ensues.) Zacky is very fast. He laughs as he runs. 

Maybe it really was raccoons. 

"C'mere, Zacky," I say. He jumps up in my lap and chews one of my hands as I pet him with the other. "Who's a good boy?" I say, giving him a kiss on his noggin. "Who's such a sweet smart wonderful boy?" Well duh, mom. (He holds these truths to be self-evident.)

I hope there are no more raccoons.

10 comments:

hedgewitch said...

Laughing SO hard. You are the best dog mom ever, and he has you "zackly" where he wants you! (I tend to agree about the raccoons, however. They cannot be trusted.)

Other Mary said...

Hahahaha - those damn racoons!

Daryl said...

try putting weewee pads on the floor where he's peed .. at least the carpet wont stink .. and i swear by Fabreeze .. Jack was sick a few months ago and he didnt trust i would notice and get him to the vet so he peed on the couch to get my attention ... after i ripped the slipcover off and washed it in cold water i bought some Fabreeze and sprayed the cushion itself AND the slipcover .. now Jack's well and neither he or his two pals have peed there ..

Outlawyer said...

They must have been raccoons! They were wearing masks!

Honestly, I'd just let him take the fifth.

k.

TexWisGirl said...

oh, that naughty, sweet boy!

said...

Love. :)

Rosemary Nissen-Wade said...

Oh, the joys of motherhood! How I love this poem.

Mama Zen said...

Snoop says raccoons are notorious carpet pissers. He also claims that they taste like chicken.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

I LOVE this SO MUCH!

Kenia Cris said...

The purest love. <3 I've said it before, that I love this photo of him and I'm just glad to find these words with it. Kiss.