I, Guinivere Golde, aspiring megastar and idol of millions, was performing in Pharaoh and the Flapper, when the wildcat
I held
on a leash
suddenly and deliberately
questioned my method and acting choices.
Clawed to ribbons and near death
(but still achingly beautiful and scandalously erotic)
I was loaded into the world's slowest ambulance
which was
driven by
the studio head who was wearing a chauffeur's cap
and already having me written out the role I had given it up to get.
Does that sound fair to you? Does it?
So there I was, riding in the back with the EMT
(played to great effect by Basil MacNaughton-Redfield)
and also the offending puma, who had donned a tux,
answering questions
as the EMT
did a background and got my vitals, for which I am usually
compensated well beyond scale, but this fool wanted freebies.
Prefacing all of my responses with "survey says..." and
fluttering my lashes as if I had some kind of coquettish palsy,
I saw lights, smelled oranges, and heard bells as we sped on.
"Hospital admin says,
every time a bell rings
an EMT gets into med school."
Thus spake my healing angel as the puma looked on impassively.
I hate it when my rescuer--and there always is one--goes off script.
Then I coded, dying like a regular Carmen in my juiciest role ever.
A girl anticipates things like this, living in a rented shoebox,
living on saltines and gin, and sleeping in a murphy bed,
but now,
O Happy Day!
it was my death scene!
My name made all the trades and my wedding to the EMT was
covered coast to coast and broadcast breathlessly on radio.
The three of us (with the puma) then staged a gala funeral on the beach!
So you see, I'm a star.
Oh honey, you're not getting me into those ratty wings.
Who designed them, that ark guy?
Where's the phone, I need to call my agent.
(No reporters? Some tw0-bit burg this is.)
How long will I have to stay here?
I'd kill for a smoke and a publicist right about now.
Criminy.
So this is Heaven huh?
What a dump!
______
Music: The Hebbe Sisters It Don't Mean a Thing
