Process Serving

Izy, at Real Toads, wants us to parody ourselves for her Out of Standard feature. Allrighty then.

Okay, genius. We need an opening line. 

It was a dark and stormy night.

Oh, truly, that's brilliant. You're such a fuckhead. Something original would be nice. So...rewind. Gimme a decent opening line.

I can't think of anything.

Well, why not just jump start it? You know, trot out some of the same old trusty shit and see if it flies.

A Gypsy walks into Danny's Coffee shop.

Good, that's a start! Sounds kind of like the intro to a bad joke, though...

Hey, so two femme lesbians go on a dinner date. Why did their legs get sore?


From standing up all night, waiting for the other one to pull their chair out for them.

Oh please.

Why did they have to walk home?

I guess you're gonna tell me?

No one brought the car around.

Are you done?

No. Why did they almost drown?

No one to fix the leaky faucet?

Oh. You heard that one. Well, what did they finally die of?

Bad jokes?

No, they died of old age, waiting for the other one to make the first move.

Can we write this poem? Can you stay focused long enough to do that?

I'm hungry. Doesn't a sandwich sound good? Then we could turn on tv and--


All right. A Gypsy walks into Danny's Coffee Shop. 

Now throw in some random observation.

She wears five rings, one for each of her possible moods.

Which are?

Envy, sloth, lust, resentment and sniping?

That sounds like 7 Deadly Sins For Dummies, or something. You can do better.

Not for what you pay me.

Think! Come on. What are the Gypsy's five moods?

One ring is gold, for when she feels satisfied. The second is silver, like moonlight, for when she feels dreamy. Another is turquoise, like water, for when she feels deep and mysterious. One is brass, for when she feels bold and mouthy. 

You're on a roll! What's the fifth ring?

Ask Dante, maybe he knows.

Don't be an ass. Get back to the poem. You were actually getting somewhere with it.

You make me crazy when you're bossy.


All right. The fifth ring is made of bone, with a ruby stone, for when she feels passionate and broody, as if she might burn herself up from within.

You had me until that last bit. It feels tired. Punch it up.

For when she feels passionate and broody, a bryndle spirit wrapped in Old Country colors, a moment's flame between low ash and high smoke.

Yeah baby. Now throw in a dash of religious junk...

Even God stops counting the inventory and looks up, almost in spite of Herself, when the Gypsy walks in.

I think you can take it from here.

Huh? What are you gonna do?

Oh, I'm gonna go read Verse Escape, or Another Damn Poetry Blog. They can really write!

You bitch!

Thank you, thank you...

dubious cat is dubious about this post.



TexWisGirl said…
goofy girl! :)

and i think emmy lou looks a bit airbrushed in that sidebar pic, don't you think? come on, girlie, let your age show!
hedgewitch said…
Laughin WAY too hard here--I could get a nosebleed. Why does she only have five rings--that is the ambiguity that I take away from this dark, espresso-ish disturbing write--has one of her hands been amputated? Shouldn't the other femme person...give her a hand, or something?? *Runs*

Thanks also for the shameless, if unjustified, plug. You should see the slop I've written for this prompt--but not till tomorrow.
Isadora Gruye said…
I absolutely love the back and forth here, the parody of your process and struggle to produce brilliance. Even though you mock yourself at several turns here, it still reads as flawless Fireblossom stock (so congrats!). This was a successful parody but also a revelation (there's my dash of deep spiritual babble).

I also chuckled at this:

A Gypsy walks into Danny's Coffee shop.
Good, that's a start! Sounds kind of like the intro to a bad joke, though.

When I think back to some of my favorite Fireblossom poems, gypsies do show up in some of them. I love how you used concept, then how you trailed off into a line of bad lesbian jokes.

though the concept of the five rings to suit her moods was pretty damn impressive.

thanks for spending some time responding to my prompt today. I hope you had as fun writing this as I did reading it!


P.S. per your comment on more Izy poems: will be posting more work this month. June was....barely survivable, but July will be promising. I shall make it so!
Lolamouse said…
I'm laughing my ass off here! You know, if she wore rings on her other hand, she could allow herself more moods!
Kerry O'Connor said…
Having read many of your parodies of the oft-exulted Oriental forms of poetry, I was not sure what to expect, but when I saw how long this was, I went and got snacks! This was the best form of entertainment money couldn't buy...

One piece of brilliance you could not hide was the nature of the fifth ring: bone and ruby-stoned? You can't keep your gypsy down that easily.
Anonymous said…
Love this: "She wears five rings, one for each of her possible moods."

My favorite ring: "The fifth ring is made of bone, with a ruby stone, for when she feels passionate and broody, as if she might burn herself"

I was thinking the same thing: "You had me until that last bit. It feels tired. Punch it up."

And you sure kicked it up a notch with this: "a bryndle spirit wrapped in Old Country colors, a moment's flame between low ash and high smoke" ... Seriously. This is a poetry-writing lesson right here. The first was good; the rewrite kicks ass. That is the difference between a poem and poetry. Ya know?

LOL ... This is so funny: "Now throw in a dash of religious junk" ... I can totally see that all this talk-you-through-it is really how you think; all these elements are part of your regular writing. Love it. :)

Ha! Great ending. I know those girls loved it too.

By the by, when I give myself this talk, I list three real poets, and your name is with those other two.
Anonymous said…
Geez Louise, who is that perfectly gorgeous, silver-headed woman in your sidebar???
Lynn said…
Ha! Quite entertaining. :)
Hannah said…
So stinkin' funny, Shay!!! I SO love your process to create brilliance!!! Some of your lines are things I hear my inner me telling myself about pulling out the old trusty lines and seeing where they go...So very fun to read!! Thank you for the humor my poetic friend!!
HermanTurnip said…
I find that medication helps me cope with the voices in my head... :-)
Helen said…
You have another calling ~~ onstage! A one-woman comedy routine!
Mama Zen said…
Girl, I gotta tell you; this made my entire day!
Sioux Roslawski said…
Your back and forth bantering...quite entertaining, Shay.

And you may hiss at me, but I agree with TexWis Girl. Emmy DOES look too perfect.
Susie Clevenger said…
This is so funny..I have inner dialogue when I write, but it isn't as much fun as yours..Great job!
wonderful dialogue format, shay.
Love how you portrayed random thinking which we all do yet don't jot it down.

you're so 'sharp'! I like what TexWiz said but we all like to see our lust filled wishes the way we wish to always remember them.

Love ya, tu amigo
Sherry Blue Sky said…
SOOOOOOOOO hilarious. I ate up very word, just LOVE the back and forth dialogue. You are so brilliant. Just sayin'.......
Anonymous said…
Somehow I feel a sixth ring (a la Anne Boleyn) may be in order. So much very funny energy here. k.
OMG, love this so much! Your internal editor/muse is almost as bitchy as mine!
Karishma Shetty said…
Hahahaha! Hilarious and so enjoyable. I love the way you've captured a writer's thought process/criticism of oneself. Great take on the probe :)
Lisa said…
When I grow up I wanna be just like you :D xx
Margaret said…
You KNOW how to do parody justice. Thanks for the laugh(s).
LMFAO!!! you are SUCH a riot!!! perfect response to the prompt!

{i didn't have the guts to try it and now i'm reeeeeally glad i didn't.}

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