Friday, July 17, 2015

Don't Be So Critical, Darling

Don't be so critical of me
if you could only be just a little bit nicer,
not swear, not hit,
not tell me that I look like shit
then I would be such a happy girl and make you glad you chose me.

I know you don't like the cats
but there are only three, okay twelve,
but nine aren't really mine
they just needed some love and some time
and I promise to brush the fur off your black jeans, I will, I swear.

Our day will come,
some band will need a drummer and there you'll be
famous and when you are,
don't forget me, don't forget me.

Don't stay out so late
till the moon is gone and the kitties have given up,
don't you see, they really love you
and I do, too
so please let us back in, this isn't funny, I haven't even got my coat--

Honey?-- Sweetheart?--
or any place else to go.

voice, for Kerry.



Cloudia said...

You crack me up in an important way.

"not swear, not hit,* *not tell me that I look like shit* * *I know you don't like the cats* *but there are only three, okay twelve,*

Ileana said...

"OK, 12 but 9 aren't really mine." Ha! Love you, Shay! xo

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Have you been peeking into my past? LOL. Loved this.

Hannah said...

Ha! Your second stanza had me laughing! Great write Fireblossom!

Marion Lawless said...

Funny & sad at the same time. xo

hedgewitch said...

Laughter wasn't my response here--tho the speaker is obviously trying for a humorous touch in her pleading to be approved, loved, forgiven, all of the above--but an ache where one keeps the thing we call hope, that idea that one can earn what one isn't allowed to have, or somehow will just get lucky--the last line truly hurts to read, because it is the stark truth.

Kerry O'Connor said...

In my opinion, voice is one of the strongest elements of your poetry. You seem to have a kind of Pandora's box of persona at your disposal. What I love about this (and so many of your pieces) is the depth of human element you bring to each tale. Your narratives always conjure a back-story, and the reader cannot help but recognise the emotions at play. Thank you for participating in the challenge.

Outlawyer said...

A wonderful illustration of a poem with voice, albeit this a rather sad one--you always make your points so clearly yet with a kind of soft mallet--

Thanks. k.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, this isn't funny at all. I think the speaker is maybe trying to be lighthearted and jovial because she doesn't know what else to do, considering that she's an abused wife with no options. Not only does he hit her, but he hits her where it hurts the most: in her mind and her heart.

How on earth did these two get together? A rocker and a cat lady. Not at all a good fit, romantically. It almost makes me wonder if this is a mother and her son. One of those 30-year-old sons who never leaves home and somehow completely takes over the household with his bullying and violent temper. (Ahem, my brother.) Punching the wall, maybe even pushing mom across the room. Definitely being verbally abusive.

There's a lot of underlying pain in the "they just needed some love and time" line. Obviously she has a lot extra in both categories, because he doesn't want either from her. He doesn't even really want her presence, as he's kicking her out. But he does like having someone around to bully and belittle to make himself feel tough and important ... you know, until he gets famous as a musician.

"Kitties" also sounds a lot like "kiddies," so she may have three kids. Perhaps she tries so hard to be sweet and wonderful that all the neighborhood kids want to hang out at her house all the time too.

Really, though, she'd disappear in a heartbeat if she had a place to go and someone to help her.

Margaret said...

...make you glad you chose me. Oh, breaks my heart. and the repetition "don't forget me" The use of "our day will come" is well placed - after all the abuse, she still thinks "we". The "3, okay 12" tells a lot about her giving nature.

How many characters and voices live inside that head of yours? Always amazes me.

Mama Zen said...

Not even close to funny. Heartbreaking. Such an incredible amount of character development in so few words. Wow.