Local History

One summer,

People began filling their bird feeders with french fries and rich desserts.

Pretty soon,

The birds grew enormous,

And just the weight of two or three would bring down the entire feeder,

Leaving overfed chickadees rolling dizzily on their backs in the grass.

Soon,

Corpulent sparrows could be seen bouncing along the lawns,

Unable to take to the air.

For cats,

Every day became Thanksgiving!

Kind-hearted Mabel Matuszyk

Tried to help.

She built little treadmills, and stayed up nights sewing birdy track suits.

And in fact,

It worked.

The waddling, flabby feathered friends began to slim down,

And PETA volunteers convinced people to stop jamming pastrami sandwiches into their feeders.

So, after an appearance on "Oprah" to share their story,

The birds returned to leading ordinary birdy lives.

But,

I don't know why I tell you these things.

I can see it in your eyes, that you disbelieve me.

Fine.

I won't tell you what happened the next summer,

When bible-quoting raccoons set up their ministry in my trash barrels.

I won't waste my breath

Talking to unbelievers.

____________