Darlings, as you may recall, we recently explored the ways and customs of the primitive nation of Testosto Rica, where punches in the arm have largely replaced any kind of spoken communication. I wanted to wait for a suitable period of time, to let you, my readers, recover from any lingering desire to hang a velvet painting of poker playing dogs on the wall, before posting similarly again. But, my doves, it's time we had another little talk.
Today, we're going to take a look at how to speak the nuanced and layered language called Estrogenic. The first thing you must take to heart, is that nothing in Estrogenic really means what it seems to mean, making it tricky for some to master, and completely incomprehensible to most Testosto Ricans. Ready? Oh, good. You're going to love it!*
*Let's start with that last statement, shall we? What, in Estrogenic, does "You're going to love it!" really mean? It may mean that, in fact, you are actually going to derive significant pleasure from the ensuing activity. *titter* Oh come on, don't let a simple fall from the turnip truck stop you now.
Let's examine possible meanings, bearing in mind that almost every statement in Estrogenic means at least five things, often contradictory.
"You're going to love it!" probably means one of the following:
1. It's going to be nothing but vacuum-packed misery, but you had better grin and bear it, or I will make you pay and pay and pay and pay, until Goddess knows when, and out of all reasonable proportion.
2. When this phrase is spoken to a Testosto Rican, it may mean: You know, and I know, that you will wish you were dead before this thing is half done with. But if you expect any sex from me in the next, oh, ten thousand years, you will do this thing, because it is what i want. The statement may be accompanied by a special smile, a touch, or a brief hand job (depending on how suggestible the Testosto Rican in question is) because, as any Estrogenian knows, a Testosto Rican with an erection will do ANYthing, including jumping through flaming hoops of fire while playing The Stars & Stripes Forever on a kazoo.
3. When spoken to another Estrogenian, it means something entirely different. It means that you may love what is to follow, or you may hate it, but it doesn't matter which. We both know that you will say you love it. Why? Let's observe two newly acquainted Estrogenians having a conversation:
"Look at your hands!"
"Oh I know. My cuticles are like kudzu, completely out of control. Don't look a them until I have a chance to get a mani."
"Nooo, silly, not that!"
"Look at your hands!"
(looks....still not understanding)
"You have ten fingers. (significant pause, followed by a holding up of the speaker's own hands). We both have ten fingers!"
Now that the Estrogenic custom of establishing commonality has been met, there is really no other possible response to the original statement but to do or try whatever it is, and then proclaim undying love for it, and for the speaker.
Which brings us to our next Estrogenic phrase: "Luv ya!"
This phrase is only spoken to other Estrogenians. It may mean any of several things. Here are some of the most common:
1. You are my friend and I genuinely feel significant affection for you.
2. Thank Goddess I can get away from you and your unending babble about your kids/boyfriend/mother, Miss whatever-your-name-is.
3. Yeah, right, we'll get together next never. Bye! (*smile smile wave smile*).
4. Bye for now, and thank you for inviting me and my unending, time and soul sucking need and self-absorption into your life for the next six months, My New Best Friend!
5. I've already forgotten you and everything about you. Now, why can't I ever find my keys in this ginormous shoulder bag?
One final note: between Estrogenians, avowals of sisterly love can begin as soon as ten minutes after meeting a complete stranger. (For other kinds of love between Estrogenians, see the similar chapter on second dates and U-haul trailers.)
Well, dears, you're looking a little tired, as if you haven't had any Skinny Cow in absolutely hours. Let's conclude for now with one last phrase: "I'm fine." "I'm fine" may actually mean that the speaker is, in fact, fine. And then the rivers turn to chocolate and it rains hundred dollar bills and free shoes. Some more likely meanings for "I'm fine" are:
1. Leave me alone. You never pay any attention to me. You never touch me I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE! I want us to GET BACK! be close like we used to be. I HAVE A KNIFE!
2. Something IS the matter, but I'm not going to tell you what it is. Not even one teensy little clue. You have to figure it out. After all, if you loved me, and I mean REALLY loved me, you would be able to read my mind. Except when I don't want for you to. But you should be able to tell that, too.
3. Check the calendar, you dolt.
4. I'm not fine, but I could be fine. Start throwing furs and jewelry my way, and I'll let you know when you've fixed everything. It could take a while, and a generous line of credit.
5. I'm not fine. You've done something, but Goddess only knows what, or which, thing it was. It doesn't really matter. Try reciting your side of this script. It's easy, just respond to the prompts as I've laid it out here:
(hurt mixed with suspicion) "Well?"
"I'm sorry baby."
"For all of it?"
"Yes baby, All of it. I was an idiot."
"So...you see that I was right all along?"
"You were right."
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. Please forgive me."
"Please baby? It will never happen again. I promise."
It isn't necessary or even desirable to know what the crime was. The Estrogenian may not even be sure. There may not even have BEEN a crime, and she may know that perfectly well. Thanks for the new car.
I hope that this lesson has been fun and useful for you. I knew you'd love it! (If you would have put down that damn crackberry and actually listened.) See you next time. (holds up hands) No. I'm fine.