Thursday, July 21, 2011

Speak Estrogenic In Fifteen Minutes

Darlings, as you may recall, we recently explored the ways and customs of the primitive nation of Testosto Rica, where punches in the arm have largely replaced any kind of spoken communication. I wanted to wait for a suitable period of time, to let you, my readers, recover from any lingering desire to hang a velvet painting of poker playing dogs on the wall, before posting similarly again. But, my doves, it's time we had another little talk. 

Today, we're going to take a look at how to speak the nuanced and layered language called Estrogenic. The first thing you must take to heart, is that nothing in Estrogenic really means what it seems to mean, making it tricky for some to master, and completely incomprehensible to most Testosto Ricans. Ready? Oh, good. You're going to love it!*

*Let's start with that last statement, shall we? What, in Estrogenic, does "You're going to love it!" really mean? It may mean that, in fact, you are actually going to derive significant pleasure from the ensuing activity. *titter* Oh come on, don't let a simple fall from the turnip truck stop you now.
Let's examine possible meanings, bearing in mind that almost every statement in Estrogenic means at least five things, often contradictory.

"You're going to love it!" probably means one of the following:

1. It's going to be nothing but vacuum-packed misery, but you had better grin and bear it, or I will make you pay and pay and pay and pay, until Goddess knows when, and out of all reasonable proportion.

2. When this phrase is spoken to a Testosto Rican, it may mean: You know, and I know, that you will wish you were dead before this thing is half done with. But if you expect any sex from me in the next, oh, ten thousand years, you will do this thing, because it is what i want. The statement may be accompanied by a special smile, a touch, or a brief hand job (depending on how suggestible the Testosto Rican in question is) because, as any Estrogenian knows, a Testosto Rican with an erection will do ANYthing, including jumping through flaming hoops of fire while playing The Stars & Stripes Forever on a kazoo.

3. When spoken to another Estrogenian, it means something entirely different. It means that you may love what is to follow, or you may hate it, but it doesn't matter which. We both know that you will say you love it. Why? Let's observe two newly acquainted Estrogenians having a conversation:

"Omg."

"What?"

"Look at your hands!"

"Oh I know. My cuticles are like kudzu, completely out of control. Don't look a them until I have a chance to get a mani."

"Nooo, silly, not that!"

"What then?"

"Look at your hands!"

(looks....still not understanding)

"You have ten fingers. (significant pause, followed by a holding up of the speaker's own hands). We both have ten fingers!"

"Omg."

"Omg!"

"Oh...my...God!!! Seriously!"

Now that the Estrogenic custom of establishing commonality has been met, there is really no other possible response to the original statement but to do or try whatever it is, and then proclaim undying love for it, and for the speaker. 

Which brings us to our next Estrogenic phrase: "Luv ya!"

This phrase is only spoken to other Estrogenians. It may mean any of several things. Here are some of the most common:

1. You are my friend and I genuinely feel significant affection for you.

2. Thank Goddess I can get away from you and your unending babble about your kids/boyfriend/mother, Miss whatever-your-name-is.

3. Yeah, right, we'll get together next never. Bye! (*smile smile wave smile*).

4. Bye for now, and thank you for inviting me and my unending, time and soul sucking need and self-absorption into your life for the next six months, My New Best Friend!

5. I've already forgotten you and everything about you. Now, why can't I ever find my keys in this ginormous shoulder bag?

One final note: between Estrogenians, avowals of sisterly love can begin as soon as ten minutes after meeting a complete stranger. (For other kinds of love between Estrogenians, see the similar chapter on second dates and U-haul trailers.)

Well, dears, you're looking a little tired, as if you haven't had any Skinny Cow in absolutely hours. Let's conclude for now with one last phrase: "I'm fine." "I'm fine" may actually mean that the speaker is, in fact, fine. And then the rivers turn to chocolate and it rains hundred dollar bills and free shoes. Some more likely meanings for "I'm fine" are:

1. Leave me alone. You never pay any attention to me. You never touch me I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE! I want us to GET BACK! be close like we used to be. I HAVE A KNIFE!

2. Something IS the matter, but I'm not going to tell you what it is. Not even one teensy little clue. You have to figure it out. After all, if you loved me, and I mean REALLY loved me, you would be able to read my mind. Except when I don't want for you to. But you should be able to tell that, too.

3. Check the calendar, you dolt.

4. I'm not fine, but I could be fine. Start throwing furs and jewelry my way, and I'll let you know when you've fixed everything. It could take a while, and a generous line of credit.

5. I'm not fine. You've done something, but Goddess only knows what, or which, thing it was. It doesn't really matter. Try reciting your side of this script. It's easy, just respond to the prompts as I've laid it out here:

(hurt mixed with suspicion) "Well?"

"I'm sorry baby."

"For all of it?"

"Yes baby, All of it. I was an idiot."

"So...you see that I was right all along?"

"You were right."

(pointedly) "And...???"

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. Please forgive me."

"Welllllll..."

"Please baby? It will never happen again. I promise."

It isn't necessary or even desirable to know what the crime was. The Estrogenian may not even be sure. There may not even have BEEN a crime, and she may know that perfectly well. Thanks for the new car. 

I hope that this lesson has been fun and useful for you. I knew you'd love it! (If you would have put down that damn crackberry and actually listened.) See you next time. (holds up hands) No. I'm fine.

Luv ya! 

17 comments:

Sioux said...

So true, Shay. I actually put my crackberry down the whole time. (Actually, I don't own a crackberry---I'm the only human on the planet who has a phone that is only used to talk on.)

I read (in less than a 24-hour period) "Night Road." It WAS good. I shed some tears in a few places. Thanks for the recommendation. Now it's your turn. Try out Picoult's "Handle with Care" (one of my favorite ones) or her most recent one "Sing Me Home." If you'd like me to give you a short (but not spoil-the-story) summary for each of them, let me know.

Luv ya, too (and luv your writing)!

Lynn said...

You know - one of my childhood friend's family had that poker playing dog print and it made me think my family's artwork was so boring. :)

I'm fine now though. Really.

ellen abbott said...

I used to be fluent in Estrogenia. Or maybe that was fluid in estrogen. I forget which.

Brian Miller said...

hmm hmmmm hmmmmm hm hm hmmmm, hm, hmmm yeowcht! ah ah ah ah ah someone put out the fire, put ou...aieaaee!

Mama Zen said...

Luv ya, too!

hedgewitch said...

Mama Zen stole my opening line. OMG! She is psychic! OMG!!

Someday I will do a similar explanation for the second language of women that comes when the Estrogenia can no longer do the job, Apathetica. The first phrase to know is "Oh well..." followed by "So???" and "Where are my car keys? I can't find them in my purse. I can't find my purse. But then, I can't find my car either. Oh well..." It's a much simpler language, and can often be expressed in basic hand gestures.

Loved this, Shay. Still ROFLing.

willfulresemblance said...

I'm happily married - which means, I do what I'm told and this makes me able to live without Charlie Brown's Grief.

Heaven said...

Ha..ha... I really enjoyed it.

Sometimes my hubby will say I'm sorry, and I go for what? He said, for everything or anything that made you mad....ha..ha...

Happy day~

Sherry Blue Sky said...

So hilarious! Loved it!

Titanium said...

This? Was a desk-concert at full volume. Standing ovation (spelling checked to ensure I didn't accidentally type ovulation, thought that works, too in this context) from this corner, Oh Fair One.

Need I say I loved this? (and I don't mean that half-assed kind of 'luv thi-i-i-s', either)

You are AwesomeSauce, unbottled.

Sara said...

Shay,

I absolutely adored this post. I laughed through the whole thing. This would a great book. How to speak Estrogenian.

There were so many things I loved -- the hand conversation, the "I'm Fine"...number 2, which my daughter is experiencing right now as her friend will not talk to her, except to say, "I'm fine."

Also, number 3 Check the calendar, you dolt!

You can so funny. I meant it about a book!!! Hope the summer is treating you well:~)

Daryl said...

I sad I was sorry many times last nite and again today .. because I insisted ToonMan upgrade his iMac to Lion .. and now he has to back it all up and then uninstall it (at the direction of Apple's ENGINEERS not their regular help folks) because three THREE pieces of software he must use for his work wont work . they are no longer supported ... I guess they're getting a job

HermanTurnip said...

Ebonics and Spanish class was booked up when I tried to attend them many years ago at a local community college. Because I was required to take a language course I enrolled in the only class left available: Estrogenics.

I was the only guy in the class.

I never felt more in fear for my life. Ever.

I finally dropped the course and enrolled is a much safer course. Shark taming.

blueoran said...

Thank you Professor, for this utterly devilish mad and delightful exegesis of the hormone Bible, old Testament Testoserone sent packing whilst kazooing down the primrose path of the parted Red Sea's knees (ya gotta give Yaweh Mon credit for that one) and replaced, New Testamentwise, by the Desperate Housewives of Estrogen. Snot for me to say, I know; and so, as ever when I visit here, I say Yikes! and cross my pecker and do a widdershin Mad Men bunnyhop out the back door of the lecture hall before I get thwocked by a shitstorm of Artemisian arrows. -- Oh, but before I go, this just-out-the-door aside: You do know that ever Estrogenian has a Testosto Rican man astride the galloping dark horse within -- what's an assay like this, I mean, without a feral animus! (And I say this, because for all my verbal testosteroni, its sandwich bread is pure Estrogen, gushed omigodstyle by the inner redhead I am. The arrows fly! I go! - Brendan

Lisa Ricard Claro said...

Hehe...I'm reminded of a quote by Denzel Washington. A reporter commented that Mr. Washington and his wife were unusual in the Hollywood crowd as they have enjoyed a happy, 20+ year marriage. What, the reporter wanted to know, is the secret? Denzel replied, "Two simple words: Yes, dear."

Lolamouse said...

Yay!!! Now I can direct the hubby to read the "I'm fine" section so I don't have to deal with his utter cluelessness about this any more! You'd think these things would be obvious, but I guess it needs to be spelled out for the stupider sex.

Hannah Stephenson said...

Hysterical. "I'm fine" is indeed the most ambiguous phrase in the world. "Interesting" is another tricky one...