Sunday, July 3, 2011

Travel Tips!

Darlings, it's me, Fireblossom, with another thrilling and informative travelogue for you! What's that you say? You don't remember any other travelogues on this blog? Pffft! A girl has got to start somewhere, doesn't she? Well of course I'm right. (And, I'm sounding an awful lot like Babs St. Argent this morning!)

Today we travel to the primitive and mystifying land called Testosto Rica! That's right, darlings, the land of men. As you may be aware, to some of us they are more than just doorstoppers. They are fascinating! 

Let's start with language. In no time at all, I'll have you speaking Testosto Rican like a native! Below is a handy phrasebook. The English phrase is on the left, followed by the same phrase in Testosto Rican!

"Hello!"........"dude." (sometimes accompanied with elaborate hand clasps)

"How are you? How's the family? How are you feeling? What's going on in your life?"......."yo"

"Wow, that's a new look for you, isn't it?"......."dude???"

"I just lost my job, my wife left me, and I have end stage jock itch." ......."man. dude. fuck."

"That's terrible! You poor thing. Is there anything I can do? You've got my number. Call me. Seriously. Lots of people love you."......."fuck. dude. did you see the game last night?"

"That person is very attractive, don't you think?"......."whoa, dude." (accompanied by elbow in the ribs.)

"Yes, extremely attractive. What do they do for a living? Are they single?"......."fuckinay."

"When is dinner?"........"when is dinner?"

All right. Now that you have a working knowledge of Testosto Rican, let's move on. One thing that you may not know about Testosto Ricans, is that they are widely known to be psychic!  In the example above, when asked "Did you see the game last night?", you or I might be befuddled, because on any given night, there are twenty games, in five different sports, all televised. But Testosto Ricans always know which game, have always seen it, and have total recall of it in its entirety. Amazing! Useless, but amazing!

Another example is when a Testosto Rican is in ceremonial communion with a motorized vehicle. He will lie down on a wheeled platform and roll himself under the vehicle, then wave a hand out from the murky darkness and say, "Hand me that wrench." There will normally be at least fifty tools, twenty of them wrenches, arrayed on the oily, filthy, disgusting concrete of the ceremonial building, called a "garage." You are expected to know which wrench he means. Another Testosto Rican would grab the right one without hesitation! It's like magic!

However, Testosto Ricans, despite their incredible gifts, can never find their good tie, the tartar sauce, or their ass with both hands and a GPS. Wait, did I just say that? Shame on me!

One last thing for now, darlings: if you get tired of having no place to sit because one Testosto Rican is taking up the entire sectional, here are four magic phrases guaranteed to get you the seat all to yourself, and a quiet few minutes to read your Redbook:

1. "Honey, we need to talk."

2. "I thought we could go shopping this afternoon!"

3. "Gosh, it's been a long time since we visited my mother. How about this weekend?"

and, 4. "I rented 'The Runaway Bride' for us to watch tonight!"

That's it for now, darlings! Come back next time when we visit Estrogenia, and discover what happens when a couple of billion women's menstrual cycles synchronize. Wear the helmet!

Air kisses,

Babs Fireblossom


Sioux said...

It IS true that men speak a foreign language. But I laughed the hardest about the next travel piece, when you write about Estrogenia..."Wear the helmet" was too funny.

MartyrMom said...

So true and totally sad........

I'm sure your next travelogue will be even more fascinating....since we ARE the more fascinating!!

Fireblossom said...

Actually, I already wrote about Estrogenia:

hedgewitch said...

Way too funny, girl. I'm hurtin. One little quibble: You forgot to mention their incredible ability to maintain possession of the remote, even after they have passed out to Ice Road Truckers and are snoring. Running the vacuum does nothing, but the merest twitch of the tuner brings them fully conscious in a nanosecond, with a deathgrip and an attitude.

I must go read about Estrogenia now--I think I spent a short while revisiting it recently.

Jinksy said...

I hope you realise if I ay 'Yo, Dude!" as a comment it has an entirely different meaning!? Hehehe! ♥

ileana said...

Miami is full of Testoto Ricans! lol

"Useless, but amazing!" I love that part. :)

ami de manila said...


Daryl said...

Made me laugh . hard and loud

Helen said...

Video record this and post it on
U Tube .... please!!! The world deserves it.

Lolamouse said...

Your ability to decipher the male of the species is truly amazing! I do hope you will address all of the nuances of the word "nothing" in your Estrogenia column!

Mama Zen said...

Yo, dude! I work my OWN wrench! Fuckinay!

HermanTurnip said...

Your skills are uncanny! I'm sure you could clean up by acting as an interpreter for tourists visiting New Jersey. ;-)

ellen abbott said...

made me laugh