Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Crap Poet

The crap poet
writes a crap poem
about her weak love
for a weak man,

and it takes her
a week to write.

"Perhaps some mythological references," she thinks, distractedly, choking on smuggled French cigarettes.
"Perhaps adherence to a form no one gives a framed, numbered, limited edition shit about," she muses, head lolling in the oven, dramatically.

My love, &etc, she begins.
The next line has to do with the ovaries of cetaceans,
and the next devolves into impenetrable multisyllabic gobbledy-goop.

It wins an award.

The crap poet goes on to write an entire volume in which 
all the line breaks follow prepositions,
and articles are entirely absent.

Passing by
Arc de Triomphe in
ambulance with
salmonella kisses for
donkey-faced driver named Despair.

This shit wins a Pulitzer.

All hail the crap poet!
She blogs a free verse broadside twenty-eight miles wide
and ten feet tall.
It takes her five hundred followers two and a half seconds
to skim carefully down it all.

"Brilliant! Brilliant!" they cry.
"Here's mine!"

Crap poet soar!
Crap poet shine!
Within the year she is declared

for dverse open link #64, hosted by the preternaturally talented Hedgewitch, a.k.a. my BFF!  




Far Beyond The Ridge said...

And yes, a week to write
Oh holy hell, shay, if i can ever stop laughing, i'll comment. (brb)
Did she mention bluebirds and springtime flowers? Ocean waves and butterflies?
Shit, trouble is, i've been guilty of the mile high love fiasco and the ten lane highway to hell.~but w/out the applause and ribbons.
But i'm reformed, i swear
Goin back to read some cohen and get my tude back.
Damn this was good. A warning i intend to heed. Thanks, you

Natasha Head said...

So do the spirits point to demise? You weave a sinfully delicious piece with a venomous tongue...is there a challenge whispered here, or a warning for the piece penned as the free fall of one so lofty eventually kicks-in. It almost always does.

Kim Nelson said...

You are the brave one who voices what others only mutter in the back of their minds.

HermanTurnip said...

Hey, catering to the lowest common denominator sure can pay off. Keep 'em comin' ;-)

Brian Miller said...

i think i know her...

smiles...your wit is ever as sharp shay...deflating overinflated egos everywhere...


Mary said...

Hmmmm, I wonder who this could be!! LOL.

Anonymous said...

If I learn to smoke maybe I can write crap poetry too? Do the cigarettes have to be French or could I just smoke American and French inhale?

Kerry O'Connor said...

I see your satirical wit has been sharpened to a keen edge again... Such a piece must cause every would-be poet to choke on an in-drawn breath, and think...Ouch, I hate too many articles in poetry too (Well, that was me). The world is a fickle place for poets: some pass unnoticed, some get more attention than they deserve. These days it's all about marketing yourself on social networks, and if you don't join them, they'll beat you.

PS: I saw what you did here:
Perhaps adherence to a form no one gives a framed, numbered, limited edition shit about...


Shadow said...

...like the work of art that sold for millions, painted by a monkey and 3 tubs of paint.

hedgewitch said...

Girl you are killing me--good thing I didn't read this last night when my back was hurting or I would have ruptured a disk. Thank you for avenging my bleeding eyeballs with your spot on analysis of all that causes brain damage in the poetical blogosphere--children, please--do not try these tricks at home!

Mama Zen said...

But I thought you liked my poetry!

Lolamouse said...

Hey, it took me more than 2 1/2 seconds to read this! Shay, you've got the sharpest tongue since Dorothy Parker! Love you, girl!

Anonymous said...

I love Stanza 4, followed by its sidecar in the next stand-alone line.

Also, very clever detailing her "rules" in Stanza 6 (line breaks after prepositions, no articles) and then providing an example of her work in Stanza 7.

Funny stuff, girl.

Anonymous said...

I hope you've got the grills out of the oven as an ear can get caught in one of those things and nothing like a caught ear for impinging upon head's freewheeling loll.

Very funny. I think some Sweetest Blogger on the Planet btw name 7 others is in order. k.

ellen abbott said...

damn. maybe I shouldn't have given up so easily.

jane hewey said...

this is fresh n zippy with bona fide substance. you put a new slant on my day ...

Myrna R. said...

I guess we've all read her, pulitzer prize and all.

You captured truth with such good humor: talent is not what always gets rewarded.

Anonymous said...

Woah! Great poetic irony!

Anonymous said...

why don't i win any awards then? i can dish out crap with the worst of 'em!