Sunday, August 4, 2013

This is snot the way to court me

He felt called upon to improve my poetry,
and so, unsolicited, sent to me
a rewriting of my latest verse,
done over in shades from bad to worse.

Wasn't this presumption enough?
No, it was snot.

It did not seem to occur to him
that a creature such as me, so frail, so dim,
would react with anything less than gratitude--
imagine his offended surprise at my att-i-tude.

Wasn't my pointed silence enough?
No, it was snot.

Thank you, sir, for your ham-handed edit,
your testosterone hubris, and refusal to get it.
Thank you, dear dumbass, dear pencil dick fuckwit,
for trying help this mere girl be more literate.

However, I must decline future offers of assistance.  I am not worthy.


Delicately,

Fireblossom
__________

I took a swipe at writing something vaguely Sara Teasdale-ish for Real Toads, but somehow Catblossom got involved and...well, what can I say?


23 comments:

TexWisGirl said...

att-i-tude! :)

Kerry O'Connor said...

I hope that there is not really some fool "critic" out there who attempted to "edit" your poetry...

Fireblossom said...

True story, Kerry. Twice!

Hannah said...

Ummm-YES!! I freakin' love it. I can so relate. Had a similar experience recently. Thank you for your vivid expression of how this feels. :)

Helen said...

.. 'but mama I want to kill something' ~~ we can all relate. Shall we form a posse?

LaTonya Baldwin said...

Twice, fool can't be that stupid. lol

hedgewitch said...

There's one in every crowd, they say. Why is it those who can't seem to always feel compelled to 'critique' those who can?

Not too sure Miss Teasdale had too much influence here, but I love it when you rhyme.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Cackle. Also, OMG re the editing.

HermanTurnip said...

Hey, he might as well have "touched up" the Mona Lisa or chipped away at Michelangelo's David.

You can't see me now, but I'm shaking my head is disbelief.

Kay L. Davies said...

I wouldn't dare edit anyone's poetry unless specifically asked, and with a clear understanding that the poet will inevitably hate me. But hamhanded unasked-for edits? Is that allowed? No, "it is snot"!
K

sharplittlepencil.com said...

Shay, I am snorting laughing at this. I adore the word "fuckwit," which I learned from Bridget Jones. You are the most irreverent of the Toads, and def. have the best swears. I have good ones, too, but this whole pastor's wife thing, we have members following my blog.

FUCK! ha ha Amy

Cloudia said...

My Dear Psychic Friend-
This is the note I should have written to a literary man who acted like a friend but turned out to be a condescending, overthinking, petty jerk. I MAY send yours (with permission?) but I WILL cut and paste and use it in daily rituals in a while as-needed; though truth to tell I'm well free of such "friendship."

ALOHA from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
~ > < } } ( ° > <3

Sam Edge said...

hahaha thats funny

Marcoantonio Arellano said...

I would have love'd to have see this wanna be editor's before and after he received your message. LOL!

Gracias Shay

Susan said...

Comment? I wouldn't dare.

Daryl said...

love the tirade ...

G-Man said...

He don't know you very well do he?

Lynn said...

I think I've seen that fool around the blogs. :) Love this, FB. :)

clarior e tenebris said...

Totally delighted at this. Especially when I read it out loud. More than once.

Mama Zen said...

Perfect with a splash of more perfect! This is just what I needed tonight.

Buddah Moskowitz said...

I was only trying to help with your edits - but impugning my manhood... Well, I never!

Next time I will just keep my comments to myself.

Love love love you, Mosk


grapeling said...

using just 'p' words, what a pissant, pedantic, puerile, putrid, pestilent, pusillanimous, pretentious, pre-pubescent, phuck-headed pinhead.

twice, no less. love this write, Shay.

Sioux said...

Shay--I KNEW this was a true tale. Truth is almost always stranger than fiction.

I love the song as well. THAT is my favorite word. A friend--whose husband was a sailor (I guess the phrase "cuss like a sailor" is true) gave me a delightful phrase that I don't have call to use for very often, but it's still a gem: lah-tee mother ------- dah.