on the wall,
who's the fairest
of them all?
THAT bitch?!? Mirror, please.
I ask a simple question and you start trippin'.
Whatever you're on, I hope there's enough for the rest of us, cos
you just got on my bad side big time.
Look, I know
I've kinda hit a bad stretch.
How was I supposed to know that that borrowed car
had anything stashed inside the door panels?
Mirror,
I've done ninety on that road lots of times,
oh but THIS time there has to be a motorcycle cop.
What's with those stupid sunglasses anyway?
"Hi, I'm a stupid cop wearing stupid sunglasses.
Whip out your license, and registration, please."
I may have protested.
I may have exercised my American right to free speech.
He still didn't have to arrest me and take the car to impound.
I got some night court public defender named Larry.
Really???
And of course, Mirror, the judge has to be this dried up old witch
who looks like she lemon-scrubbed her sink with her face.
"Young woman," she said,
as if I had personally dashed her last hope in humanity.
"Young woman, I hereby sentence you to..."
Mirror, Sally Supermodel would look like shit in an orange jumpsuit.
They SUCK.
And just TRY to get any decent product for your hair in jail.
Why, Mirror, if I hadn't have demonstrated my French trick for Larry,
he would never have helped me escape.
You know that, right?
So stop with the judgy look.
Mirror, I may have picked up a skin problem running through those woods.
It itches.
And I've been living in this utility shed for five days,
talking this kid at Tasty Bird out of a few drumsticks just to survive.
So.
I toss you a total softball of a question.
My old mirror would have known exactly what to say,
the way women do with each other,
building connections, lying our heads off.
Figures I would get the only male mirror in the state.
Where did you come from, anyway?
Boot camp?
Some strip club on 8 Mile Road?
Why ME, God?!?
Luckily, I have my trusty compact.
Watch and learn, dumbass Mirror.
Compact, compact,
in my hand,
who's the fairest
in the land?
ME!
See? Me.
Diogenes, did you have your phone out?
Did you capture that Golden Moment?
I AM BEAUTY.
Fuckinay, Mirror.
Fuckinay.
________
for Hannah's "mirror" challenge at Real Toads.
image by Roberta Tocco.
Loved it...Loved it!!!! I am amazed by the unique take...and surprised that the same prompt can trigger so many different takes!!
ReplyDeleteSo much fun. Now, that's the way the conversation would really go.
ReplyDeleteSo SWEET!!! Super entertaining, Shay! I love that you went in this direction...giving this old tale a new twist and filling it with your fresh and humorous expressions...yup, much enjoyed!
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing! ♥
What a story! This girl ain't Snow White. Could be her little known older sister, though, name of Coal Black.
ReplyDeletei loved this. a joyride you took us on. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, I laughed and laughed. I love this, Shay.
ReplyDeleteK
One of your finest cautionary tales--and could also be a 'travel story for girls,' I think--anyway, when I got to the part about the rash, I almost wore an entire cup of coffee for the rest of the day. Remind me NEVER to borrow my skinhead neighbor's car. But the conclusion of this is just plain truth, girl to girl--you *are* beauty.
ReplyDelete"the way women do with each other,
ReplyDeletebuilding connections, lying our heads off."
the "art" of lying can be a beautiful thing :) I wonder if "he" learned his lesson?
smokin'. :)
ReplyDeleteYou know this rocks. One day I'll offer you some useful and impressive feedback. Nah, you don't need it. You doin' fine all by yourself. :-)
ReplyDeleteYou never know what those stupid mirrors will say to you! This was a fun ride, Shay!
ReplyDeleteThat mirror should be trembling in its lunchbox by now! Love this fire and brimstone rant. Adorable.
ReplyDeleteLarry has died and gone to heaven!! And of course you are the fairest of the fair.
ReplyDeleteI so needed this exact poem at this particular second. LOVED. IT.
ReplyDeleteFuckinay, girlfriend!
ReplyDelete