Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Neptune's Girlfriend

Neptune dumps his first wife (a mermaid),
Too embarrassed to admit that, in fifteen years, he never made it past second base.

At the bottom of the sea, there is every kind of wreck,
But Neptune finally rouses himself.
"I am the earth-shaker!" he crows,
But under water, everything is muted, and it just sounds like "I abda flug glug!"

Complete change is what Neptune wants, and so he hooks up with the Iowa Corn Queen.
She meets him at the door, dressed in provocative costume,
Purring, "Shuck me, baby!"
But Neptune is still dissatisfied.
He wants her to get a boob job.

Things don't work out,
And it's just as well that Nep isn't around to hear what the Iowa Corn Queen and her new lover say about him.
The new lover declares, with certainty,
"He's a moron! They're perfect!"
Then demonstrates that she really thinks so.

"What should I do with this stupid sea shell?" the Iowa Corn Queen asks, later.
Her girlfriend advises throwing it in the ocean.
They do, after using a Sharpie to write "U R A FLUG GLUG!" on it.
They hope it hits him in the head.
_____

this is a magpie tale for mag 130.

image by Francesca Woodman 


19 comments:

cloudia charters said...

To my mind,
another true mistress-piece!

Send it to the New Yorker.
Send one a week.
send them.
Someone will take a second
look.

You GOOOOOOD!


Aloha from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
<(-'.'-)>

> < } } ( ° >

hedgewitch said...

Hey cut Nep some slack--mermaids ain't got a third base. It's all sushi after the navel.

I had a boob job once, but the hours sucked and I had to quit before it gave me double vision. *tapdances offstage to vaudeville music*

You, girl, are on a roll.

Mama Zen said...

"he never made it past second base."

Thanks to you I now have to endure a round of "what's so funny?" from the Puppy!

Margaret said...

But under water, everything is muted, and it just sounds like "I abda flug glug!"

ha! Never thought of Neptune this way before... not so scary now! :)

(PS... LOVE that song.. haven't heard it in like... forever. Will be adding it to my iPod)

Sioux said...

I too loved the whimsy of this piece, along with the blast from the past with Bananarama. (Thanks. Now it's stuck in my head for probably the rest of the day.)

nene said...

Ha ha ha (laughing outloud). Great piece. Also, laughing at what Hedgewitch said...mermaids ain't got a third base. It's all sush after the navel. Lol!!!

We love you from the neck up, Fireblossom.

Tu amigo

Helen said...

Is that why the presidential candidates are always heading off to Iowa?? {Be still my heart ~ Venus with a disco beat!!!}

Hannah Stephenson said...

Hahah.....this is hilarious.

Daryl said...

oh that silly neptune .. like all men he didnt know how good he had it ..

Kerry O'Connor said...

That pic was just perfect for you and you really had fun with this!

flipside records said...

Oh my gosh, I am rolling over this one. One of my favorites, I think. :) I am grinning so hard, girl.

This is priceless: "Too embarrassed to admit that, in fifteen years, he never made it past second base."

This is so strong and deep, but you almost miss this heartbreak-of-a-line because the rest of the piece is so funny: "At the bottom of the sea, there is every kind of wreck"

Hysterical! ... "'I am the earth-shaker!" he crows,
But under water, everything is muted, and it just sounds like 'I abda flug glug!'" ... I love his arrogant pep talk. :)

I love mythology-based poetry. Thanks for giving me such a good laugh.

flipside records said...

P.S. I also noticed how tiny they were.

Helena said...

What entertainment! There were depths of all sorts in this story and it rocked!

ps......and Venus is a favourite 80's tune of mine. I can still remember dancing to it in my then local bar - and it didn't have a dance floor! ♪

Berowne said...

Cleverrr. :-)

Buddah Moskowitz said...

Too f-in funny. I loved the Iowa Corn Queen - no really, I actually did long ago and faraway at the county fair, being the OmniBatter 3000 frying machine.

Luv luv luv - Mosk

Vesper said...

I like how you call him Nep and his "abda flug glug" is priceless! So is the "U R A FLUG GLUG!"
:-) :-) :-)

xoxoxo

HermanTurnip said...

" "U R A FLUG GLUG!" on it.
They hope it hits him in the head."

Awesome! Glad to spot a hint of levity on your work!

myheartslovesongs.com said...

um.... there's not an ocean anywhere near Iowa....

Bee's Blog said...

There are some fantastic lines here. Oh how deliciously funny. Thank you for a very loud guffaw as I spat my mouthful of excellent Chardonnay at the monitor!