Thursday, April 4, 2013

Frat Boys

And, yea, in the end times, there shall be frat boys.
This is a little disappointing, I know.
Let she who has ears find knowledge:
666 shall be the number of the frat house--
Armageddon is in Greek,
not Aramaic.

Nothing so elegant as horsemen shall appear--
It shall be four frat boys,
holding up beer cans with the same reverence and awe
once lavished by primitives upon the sacred bronto turd,
held high
so that all may see, and marvel.

Each frat boy shall set out the holy objects of the House--
the keg, the bong, and jello shots for the chicks.
No martyr in a dungeon ever held a cross more devotedly
than do these frat boys holding their little plastic cups.
"Lord, make me an instrument of thy frat party.
If it be thy will, transform me from some day-school blazer fuck
into a roaring lion,
with handmaidens,
or something.

And lo, the frat boys shall be cast into the lake of graduation,
and become wage slaves with wives,
drinking only around the barbecue or in the duck blind.
Here, in the post-apocalyptic world, shall be the frat boys,
bearing the mark of the beast:
male pattern baldness and football knees.

And it shall come to pass that they shall seek healers,
and the healers shall be
named Candy or Roxanne,
and in sooth they shall turn away from their poles
and heal the pilgrims that come to them,
charging only reasonable rates
which appear on statements as "freelance consulting services".

Who's got the power now, frat boys?
Who will grant you resurrection with a hand job,
and annoint you as a "regular"?
Who will call you "tiger" as she sends you home,
and then, like any good priestess,
keep your secrets
or more likely forget them
as she gives thanks once again 
that she didn't waste her fucking time going to college.

for Izy's Out Of Standard at Real Toads




Kerry O'Connor said...

So, which door leads to hell?

This is an excellent response to JT shaking his teeny tiny ass to the delight of buxom clones!!

Lolamouse said...

Holy sh+&%#! This is hell! I think I'd rather be wiped out in the apocalypse! I do feel better knowing that your sharp wit and pointed sarcasm will survive any armageddon!

Susan said...

I am figuratively rolling on the floor laughing, holding my belly. So good.
Thank you! This would be number one on the charts, sung as a ballad with a little non-college girl refrain.

Susan said...

And thanks for the nostalgia.

hedgewitch said...

Thanks for expressing so much better than I ever could my reaction to that film clip. Beyond that, this poem takes clever to the level of genius, each analogy blindingly accurate, each image worthy of both ridicule and deep compassion. Excellent job with a very difficult challenge.

Marian said...

hah. a couple weeks ago my kids were running around singing a song of their own creation that had the chorus "Toga! Toga! Toga!" and i am still worried about what might be coming next. this doesn't help :)

Helen said...

I haven't watched the clip yet ... I sure as hell am going to ~ now! Amen.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

So hilarious and absolutely brilliant. I havent seen the prompt yet either....but something wonderful is going on among the Toads!

Susie Clevenger said...

Damn, we are living in the end times. Love this!! I think I read from your book of poem came from it. :)

Daryl said...

well if this is end of times, bring it on

Mama Zen said...

Awesome and more awesome!

Cloudia said...

Thou hast well defined this pestilence!


Lynn said...

Oh my! I never liked frat boys anyway...

Sara said...

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL....this was...what's another adjective for the funniest fucking frat free verse ever written. (I think it's free verse:~)

Loved "Freelance consulting services"

Oh dearie, I'll be laughing about this one for some time.

Have a great weekend a day early:~)

Ellecee said...

Wow, this is just great,,you really have " nailed it". Clever, funny and there's something real there too,, :-)

Other Mary said...

I did the same Bibley language in mine, lol. That's certainly funny, but dark...a different sort of apocalypse. Really great write, as usual.

Kay L. Davies said...

"there shall be frat boys"! What a perfect curse.
You are, as always, a delight to read, my dear.

Truedessa said...

Interesting take on this one incorporating frat boys. That pen had something to say.

Isadora Gruye said...

armageddon is in greek, not aramaic....beautiful! I love the direction you took the prompt, ever always taking out your fireblossom lense and setting the phasers to destroy! Viva la

Anonymous said...

Shay... "day school blazer fuck"? See, when you are a pastor's wife like me, you cannot indulge in your true feelings. My inner Crazy Chick cried out, "BRAVA!" when she read this ode to/dissection of frat boys.

About the only thing I missed by skipping college was the frat boys. But then, I was up to my ears in their ass-pinching fathers at my piano bar... BRILL! Amy

Margaret said...

bearing the mark of the beast:
male pattern baldness and football knees.

Arriving at these prompts a bit late... vacation means playing catchup as I don't want to miss these amazing gems! I honestly can't think of many worse hells than hanging with drunk frat boys... marvelous satire here.