Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Dog Antony's Funeral Oration

Purebreds, mixed breeds, neighborhood mutts, cock me your ears;
I come to bury the Green Tennis Ball, not to praise it.
The no-no's that toys do live after them,
the good is oft interred with their squeakers;
so let it be with Green Tennis Ball. The noble Bowser
hath told you Green Tennis Ball was bouncy;
if it were so, it was a grievous fault,
and grievously hath Green Tennis Ball answer'd it.
Here, under drool of Bowser and the rest,--
for Bowser is a good doggy;
so are they all, all good doggies,--
come I to speak at Green Tennis Ball's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and fun to me:
but Bowser says he was bouncy;
and Bowser is a good doggy.
He hath brought many slobbers back to the dog house,
whose fetchings did the general toy box fill:
did this in Green Tennis Ball seem bouncy?
When that the poor doggies have cried, Green Tennis Ball hath dripp'd;
bounciness should be made of sterner stuff:
yet Bowser says he was bouncy;
and Bowser is a good doggy.
You all did see that on the master's front lawn
I thrice dropped at his feet the tennis ball,
which he did thrice refuse; was this bouncy?
Yet Bowser says it was bouncy;
and, sure, he is a good doggy.
I bark not to disprove what Bowser spoke,
but here I am to bark what I do know.
You all did love it once, not without cause:
what cause withholds you then to howl for it?
O judgement, thou art fled to brutish beasts,
and dogs have lost their obedience. Bear with me;
my heart is in the shoe box there with Green Tennis Ball,
and I must lay my head on my paws til it bounceth back to me.
______

(human translation)

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.
The evil that men do lives after them,
The good is oft interred with their bones;
So let it be with Caesar. The noble Brutus
Hath told you Caesar was ambitious;
If it were so, it was a grievous fault,
And grievously hath Caesar answer'd it.
Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest,--
For Brutus is an honorable man;
So are they all, all honorable men,--
Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me:
But Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honorable man.
He hath brought many captives home to Rome,
Whose ransoms did the general coffers fill:
Did this in Caesar seem ambitious?
When that the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept;
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And Brutus is an honorable man.
You all did see that on the Lupercal
I thrice presented him a kingly crown,
Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;
And, sure, he is an honorable man.
I speak not to disprove what Brutus spoke,
But here I am to speak what I do know.
You all did love him once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then to mourn for him?
O judgment, thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;
My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar,
And I must pause till it come back to me.

_____

for Kerry Says at Real Toads: If Only TheyCould Talk.

And, Lord Buckley's fabulous hipster version:  




 

22 comments:

Kerry O'Connor said...

Et tu, Bowser?

I *love* it, Shay. What a brilliant speech upon the fallen Green Tennis Ball!
They are indeed all good doggies, aren't they?

"Dost thou dig that this was Caesar's groove?"
That video clip is priceless. Hilarious contrast between voice/tone and content.

Thanks for putting so much effort into this post.

Björn Rudberg said...

What a glorious lament at the shoebox of a buried toy.. what a disaster it must be when bounce is lost (but surely teeth must have been to blame)...:-)

The Video clip brightened my day to.

Lolamouse said...

Needed a good chuckle this morning! Your poem and that video were PERFECT!

Helen said...

Oh, this is wonderful! (Go Cards!)

TexWisGirl said...

you're going highbrow on me again, today...

Susan said...

Hahahaha! And then the video too! Shay, you have outdone yourself.

"I thrice dropped at his feet the tennis ball,
which he did thrice refuse; was this bouncy?
Yet Bowser says it was bouncy;
and, sure, he is a good doggy."

(Three times the wig!)

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Oh! My! God! This was so much fun to read and I could just SEE the dog's face as he orated! Brilliant and funny! Like you!

hedgewitch said...

Even in my very non-bouncy state this made me totally crack up--especially the lines about Bowser/Brutus. If only we all are privileged enough to hear such heart-felt words...er, woofs--at our funerals. Hilarious.

Joanna Jenkins said...

You totally cracked me up!
xo jj

C. Sandlin said...

Love this! And feel a little bad about our dogs' own Box of Expired Toys. :)

Shadow said...

Dearest Fireblossom, I love your version, doggy perfection!

my heart's love songs said...

FAN-fucking-tastic! a perfect example of how genius is separated from madness by such a fine line... methinks you straddle it brilliantly.

Daryl said...

coughing because laughing makes me cough

you are awesome!

Sara said...

YOU AMAZE ME!

How do you do this again and again?

Oh, the green tennis ball. What can I say...you know what happened to me when I read this.

Sara said...

P.S. I don't know if I just didn't notice them, but I like both the Jack London and Ted Hughes' quotes. I think my favorite is the London quote. It tickles my fancy:~)

I also like the fall version of Fireblossom. She looks innocent, until you glimpse into her eyes and see the mischievous look in them!

Anjum Wasim Dar said...

superb

Margaret said...

Hey … green tennis balls are serious stuff and deserving of such devotion! Adored this - I have a dog that would like to audition for this role…

Cloudia said...

*Applause!*

Magaly Guerrero said...

What a feast of emotions. I felt like my dog--when I torture him by throwing a ball from hand to hand--my emotions kept on going back and forth, between the image, the oration and the human translation. I loved it all... and I wanted it all at the same time. You should see how wide my eyes are right now, lol!

grapeling said...

woof! woof wooooof, woof woof! ~

Outlawyer said...

So so clever. Really just terrific. Agree with all, especially Grapeling. k. (Manicddaily)

Mama Zen said...

Only you, lady. Only you.