Shy Girl's Lament

So here's the thing:
Speak, girl, I tell myself. No one will bite you.
Surely no slender-fingered flautist could produce
such a sweet gentle tone as my voice is sure to be.
Men will drop their guard.
Women will smile and mean it. 
Speak, girl. It'll be fine.

So I do, and a concussive bass explosion of broken grinding gears 
shatters the stemware for miles around.
The floor shakes.
Deaf people swivel their heads in sudden fear.
Birds shut up because their tiny hearts explode.
Women exchange looks.
What happened????
"Oh honey," says some perfect size 2, her hand on her friend's arm,
"She's a T-Rex."

I can't get my arms around my stupid life.
I can't get my arms around anything, really.
"Sweetie, I wish I had your skinny arms.
I'd wear nothing but sleevleless dresses all summer long."
Oh cram it. 
Bet you don't wish you had these thunder thighs.
I go through oceans of Olay and still, look at the scales!
No one will ever love me;
I may as well go lay an egg.

"Sugar pea, don't be so shy! 
There's a lid for every pot.
Come on now, 
don't hide your light under a bushel!"
A bushel?
Is this chick insane? 
Look at me.
(Which is exactly what everyone does after I get over my endless five-head,
lean into the light,
and snap her up in my enormous jaws.)
"Bless her heart," says some bottle blonde, loud enough to be sure I hear.
"It's the Majorette for the Gross Eater's Parade."
When she and her friend titter,
it sounds like a slender-fingered flautist on her best day ever.

At Toads, Sherry wants us to speak in the voice of another




Kerry O'Connor said…
Warn a person before you charge, won't you?

(I'm grinning like a pterodactyl)
Mama Zen said…
This made my morning. Roar!
Sherry Blue Sky said…
First, before I even read your poem, WHERE do you get your photos???? LOL. I now will read, with anticipation.

OMG. You totally slay me. This is the BEST!!!!!!! The Majorette for the Gross Eater's Parade. Gah!

Reading a poem does not get any better than this. Grin.
Ellecee said…
Love it, absolutely. I laughed out loud. I can picture her dancing with herself :-)
hedgewitch said…
This wouldn't be so funny if I couldn't relate to it so well. Hilarious, my dear, and very witty and sharp on all fronts--amazing you can even type with those ar..., er-loved it. ;_)
. said…
"I can't get my arms around my stupid life.
I can't get my arms around anything, really."

You are killing me!!! And oh my word, that Olay bit. So funny!
annell4 said…
A delightful write!! She is a beauty!
Vivian Zems said…
This sassy T-Rex is really in touch with herself! Made me 😂😂😂
tonispencer said…
Bless your heart, this southern girl says. I'm surprised you didn't snap all their heads in your beautiful jaws. I totally relate to this not being a size 2. I am super petite "shorty, short stuff, midget" I was often called. I love this T-rex with her massive jaws, too short arms, and all of her sass. the photo is priceless. thank you for the smile!
Gillena Cox said…
Gorgeous write, (✿◠‿◠)

much love...
Anonymous said…
Oh Lizard Queen, are you for hire? Do you charge by the hour for the slaughter?

this is priceless and precious (not in a smarmy sense) - but hysterically ripe, juicy, delicious and absolutely gorgeous for all the hard-ball tongue in cheek (did some one offer up toasted Barbie boobs and wings for a snack?) word play - and yet words like "flautist" speak with elegance and grace for the love of all things curved ball.

What a brilliant way to start my day and have this lovely egg Lady by my side, in my head - and damn - as Sherry noted: what an awesome image.

You rock it Shay. You totally rocket it.
Sioux Roslawski said…
Oceans of Olay... Oh my.
Tempted to say, "Hey, you wrote in MY voice" (because of some physical resemblances, as described) – but your own voice is unique and brilliant, even when you attach it to another, and I simply could never aspire.
Old Egg said…
What have we done that we must be so judgemental about our beautiful differences? As one gets older you realise there is so much more than outward appearances. Pity that is not taught in schools.
Anonymous said…
More than one coffee spitting moment ensued here this morning.Just hilarious.
Brendan said…
Fuckin hoot and explicates the shaming mythology to its dregs. The voices we carry in our head. You teased out the flute note in the end perfectly.

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