Monday, August 9, 2010

Just Shoot Me

There is a mishap with Jennifer's botox.

One minute she is saying, "Well if you ask me" and the technician's hand begins to shake...

One minute she is saying, "I tried to tell her that dress was all wrong" and suddenly, with an unfortunate jerk of the arm holding the needle,

"Don't say you heard it from me" becomes

"Eeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuughhhh."



Jennifer goes home.



"Foooooouuuuuuuhhhh," she says to her husband.

"Of course, dear," he replies mildly.

"Guuuhhhhhh! Fuhhhhh buuuuhhhhh!" she tries to explain, pointing to her mouth.

"I'd like to eat out, too. How about Chinese?"

That night, they are intimate. After all, it is Saturday.

"Fluuuhhhhh!" she shouts, drooling. What she means is,

"Are you done yet? Get off me."

Her husband cannot remember when he last saw her so excited.



Monday brings Garden Club. Jennifer is to address the other ladies on the subject of rose aphids.

"Bluh. Bluuhhha ayyyublubla..." she says, reading from notes.

The ladies eat cakes and whisper unkindly to each other about her new hairstyle. Afterward, they clap and tell her she was marvelous and that they've simply got to rush home and try all the remedies she suggested.

"Bluh boo," says Jennifer. She is trying to pronounce a common vulgar expression.

"Love you, too!" cry the ladies and kiss her cheek before getting into their Volvos.



Desperate, Jennifer turns to her children. She has their names written down in her date book for just such an emergency.

She babbles something incoherent to them, her eyes aglow with tenderness.

Her son goes on talking on the phone, messaging on his computer, and eating pizza.  Yes, all at the same time. 

Her daughter shrieks, "I knew you'd say no! I hate you!" then runs upstairs and slams the door to her room.

Jennifer is left standing in the hallway, alone.

"Bluh?" she asks no one in particular.



In time, the injection wears off.

"Bluhhh duhhh" becomes "goo bornee" becomes "good morning."

"I'll have toast" says her husband.

"I hate you!" says her daughter.

"Love you!" say all her friends, but they say that to everyone from the pool boy to their wretched poodles. It is completely meaningless chatter, like "how are you?". 



It's been an ordeal.

Jennifer switches botox clinics. 

Her worry lines vanish. 

__________

24 comments:

Senorita said...

Haha, this is brilliant ! Now I am gonna get botox so I can tell people to fuck off and they won't even notice I said it because it won't sound right with my new puffed up duck lips.

Cloudia said...

LOL






Aloha from Waikiki, Shay-Babe :)

Comfort Spiral

TALON said...

"After all, it is Saturday." - LOL! Shay, you're too much.

This was brilliant. Ah, the spoils of vanity so beautifully expressed. I love how she changed clinics, but didn't change her mind - lol!

razzamadazzle said...

How funny! Makes me glad I don't do botox. I'll wear my laugh lines and worry lines with grace.

Teresa

signed...bkm said...

nothing worse than botoxed lips with lip liner on them....OMG...Just shoot Me!!! bkm

Brian Miller said...

lol. at least she is speaking her mind...though no one seems to be listening...

Lynn said...

I have been invited to two botox parties - I wonder if people are trying to tell me something. :)

That Saturday night sex line made me laugh out loud!

Liza said...

Hilarious!

Daryl said...

See this is why I will never 'do'
botox or have my face lifted ..

And I am a little afraid of your header shot ...

Mojo said...

"Desperate, Jennifer turns to her children. She has their names written down in her date book for just such an emergency."

That was probably the most telling passage in the whole piece. And tragically, I can see it happening. Actually I can see all of it happening.

Oh, and personally, I love the new header.

ellen abbott said...

Oh, this one made me laugh!

Mama Zen said...

Saturday already?

Debbie said...

I loved this! One of my favorites of yours.

Jannie Funster said...

THAT'S what I'll do -- write my kid's name in a little book for such emergencies! You're a GENIUS, Dahlink. Thanks!

Ahhh, I remember in "Wifey". They only did it on Saturdays.

xoxo

Blue Bunny said...

deeriest my shae,

i mite get botox in my bucktotts wen i mutch oldir and sagy wit rinkils.

wit loves. me

ox

Blue Bunny said...

o, and one of yor labels for this pome reminds me my jannie bin singing so much lattely a song...

doktor, doktor
gimme the news
i got a bad kase
of loving yoos.

(I wish my jannie wood go bak mor to singing she frank snatra and lennird cohins.)

ox agin.

me
BB

Sara said...

Great story. Botox always scared me. After all it is made from a deadly poison.

Then again, way back when women used arsenic to improve the color in their faces.

It's really sad when beauty is so important that it risks one's life.

Ily said...

Ooh, nice ending, Chica!

PS - LOL @ "Are you done yet? Get off me!" (I'm going to use this line later tonight just for giggles!) ;)

Riot Kitty said...

Hahaha! Love it!

steveroni said...

Me laughing still...or STILL laughing!

Intellectually acute. (Not me...your Post!) Oh, what the heck--just shoot me.

Love the picture--nonchalance....

willow said...

Heh-heh! Good one!

Tabitha Bird said...

LOL! I want a full length book with Jennifer as the MC!
You had me at "Buuhhboo" :)

mac said...

humphmat, vout tyuout mumphmat!

moondustwriter said...

those words were probably the most profound that had come out of her mouth.

Nice Shay

Moon smiles