Coal Black

Coal Black and the thirteen dwarves move to Middleville. Coal Black plays electric guitar and sings in a band called Poison Apple. The thirteen dwarves are boyfriends/roadies, as interchangeable as Legos. She doesn't really need roadies, since the furthest the band ever travels is to Sludge Lake to play Bob's Grocery and Fairgrounds. The "fairgrounds" are a scrubby field with a broken tilt-a-whirl sitting in it. The cars have had an accident, they all sag to one side in a tangle, because the tilt-a-whirl isn't level. However, it inspired Coal Black to write "Smoking Pile-Up Of Love." It goes like this:

yeah baby, I'm fucked up behind your wheel
one hand over my eye
we're all gonna die
pretty soon we'll be together in the twisted steel
yeah baby
dig it

It does not chart. At any given time, there are two or three of the elves strewn about Coal Black's place. One crashed on her couch, with an exposed spring leaving a dent in his cheek, one playing Mutant Rage 12 on the Playstation, and eating Taco Bell for breakfast, and another standing in the pastel green kitchen, saying, "Wow baby, you don't look as fat lately. Can I borrow some money?"

This inspires Coal Black to write "(Men Are The) Toxic Sludge Of Love", which goes like this:

yeah baby, we're fucked up in love's glow
our love will soon be dead
I'm growin' another head
pretty soon we'll be together and I'll be your ho
yeah baby
dig it

This one does not chart, either, but gains a cult following among rad-core kids. They wear civil defense sign tee shirts and use make up to turn their faces green and melted. When they go in Bob's Grocery, the normals stare. The rad-core kids object to this, and say "What are you looking at?", but because of all the junk on their faces, it comes out as gibberish and they have an unfortunate tendency to drool. They complain in a amateur video interview that no one takes them seriously.

Meanwhile, Coal Black has used the proceeds from "Toxic Sludge Of Love" to buy a new ankh. She kicks out the elves and takes up with a waitress from The Egg Explodes, a diner run by old hippies from California. Everything they serve includes avocados. They are a meatless, dairyless, cruelty-free enterprise. They do a surprisingly good business, and use the profits to support eco-candidates, but their only electee so far is Myrus Bump, who is supposed to catch dogs and drives a little truck with wire mesh cages in the back. Once, he put a Republican opponent inside one of them, the only time it had ever been used. He doesn't know it, but now the opponent suffers from a debilitating restraint fetish. However, when he asks his wife to lash him to the pew at First Baptist, there is a scandal and his career is ruined.

While all of this excitement is going on, the waitress has had a salutary effect on Coal Black. She has given up heroin and contents herself with Hershey's Special Dark syrup, straight from the container. She pronounces it "primo stuff" before sinking back on the springs of the sofa with an elaborate and truly sensuous sigh. The waitress strokes her hair and idly watches tv. When she recovers her senses, Coal Black writes one more song. it goes:

yeah baby, I'm messed up on your kisses and stuff
you're so incredibly semi-sweet
all I wanna do is rinse and repeat
and if I couldn't eatcha, I'd find a way to huff
yeah baby
dig it

The song rockets to #1. Coal Black gets out of bed and poses in front of the mirror, which has been on the floor for at least six months. She asks the waitress, whose name is Cindi, "is my ass not spectacular?" Cindi says, around a mouthful of apple, "You are a true Goddess, baby."

They live happily ever after.

for magpie 37


  1. I love how intense your stories are!

  2. lordy! what an imagination- laughed and laughed

  3. hells bells...I read this one 12 times
    and because it can't live on being read alone
    I read it aloud
    while performing yo-yo tricks
    because badass shit like this needs to be performed

  4. you MUST try and publish this. You MUST. Do you hear me???? MUST. I am happy to repeat it if I am not making myself perfectly clear. This is an incredible piece. You amaze me.
    Much love,

  5. Yours are the only stories that make me laugh out loud. This is spectacular, likely even more spectacular than the ass in over-the-top hilarious, I agree, you must find somewhere fabulous to send it. I cant believe you keep such great stuff coming. You are on fire!!!! This may be one of my top three of yours. Totally brilliant writing! Amazing stuff. And deeply hilarious!

  6. heck yeah...cause happily ever after goes well with ritz crackers...

  7. Perfect cult story....screenplay in the works I hope...Yes, you need to put your best writes together...and go for it....bkm

  8. I love visiting your unique, twisted, yet familiar and beckoning world :)

    "The thirteen dwarves are boyfriends/roadies, as interchangeable as Legos."

    Aloha from Honolulu

    Comfort Spiral


  9. Your blog is my new bedtime story. :)

    I have so many favorite parts but what stands out right now is the diner run by old hippies from California...because I love avacados (and anything cruetly-free works for me, chica!). xo

  10. Oh, Shay, I am loving this. The garbled words because of the junk on their faces? Oh my! I'm laughing! And eating the Hershey's Special Dark straight up? Classic!

    The Egg Explodes Diner - love it.

    Your characters are awesome.

    And how funny - I used the word sludge in a poem today...must be synchronicity at play. :)

  11. Thanks for the giggles! I especially like the bit about the pew at First Baptist.

  12. Love all your fractured fairy tales Shay! Thanks for making me smile! :-)

  13. Oh, Shay! I love this one so much!

  14. Shay -- On a day when I really needed a good you are with Miss Coal Black:~)

    I loved the song lyrics...they were really funny.


  15. A darkly creative take on that old goody-two-shoes Snow White tale.

  16. You do have a delightful sense of humor.

  17. This comment has been removed by the author.

  18. The most unusual take on the mirror photo prompt that ever do be. turned out so right for strangers in the night. (That one charted big time too!)

    p.s. the removed comment above was me due to a weird typo!

  19. i like this. amazingly, right?

  20. i can't believe i didn't comment the first time i read this ~ sorry!

    i think my favorite part is Myrus Bump {great name} putting a Republican opponent inside one of the wire mesh cages. or maybe it's that there are THIRTEEN dwarves. or... i just love all of it!

    thanks for bringing Coal into the world, Shay! ♥ it's a better place for it.


  21. I do wish I had your creativity and spunk. Enjoyed the comments along with the story...a masterpiece for

  22. There is too much luscious wonderfulness to list here so I'll just say this: Reading your post was like chugging an entire bottle of Hershey's Syrup (the BIG bottle) in one sitting. Like, my favorite drink in the old days, except for Jack Daniel's boilermakers.

    Shay, you kicked serious ass with this head trippin cow tippin Hershey sippin Slip slippin little confection. Love, loved it!! Amy


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