Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Double Post: A Poem And An Elegant Visitor !

Dear Readers,

Today you'll find here a double post: first, a poem for MZ's fine challenge, and then something special after that!

"Too Late My Hope Rewarded"

People change.
I hoped you would!
You never said
"I love you."

Even in illness,
at the end--
you never said
"I love you."

Now, this night,
you're at my door--
never the same--

One eye gone,
missing an arm,
you bang on my door,
groaning, "Aw rawv goo!"

Fifty words exactly for MZ's Words Count challenge to be a "Poe-et"!

And now, a special guest hostess!

Hello, Lambs! It's me, Babs St. Argent, from the Objets D'art blog! Fireblossom is busy right now; I think she said something about having Joel Osteen tied to a weed whacker or something. The girl makes no sense at all.

But never mind! I brought this morning's Pompano Beach Enquirer with me, which means that we can sit down together and read my favorite advice columnist: "Dear Daphne"!

Just throw away that tiresome news section and the pointless sports page. Here she is! Right on page 3C, between the Sudoku and the a recipe for vegetarian pot roast! Let's read!

Dear Daphne,

My husband and I live in a nice suburban area, but we are having a problem with our next-door neighbors. They own two large bison, which they keep as pets. One afternoon as I was out in the back yard, trimming the pansies with fingernail scissors, one of the bison smashed through the fence and dropped a huge pie right on my petunia bed.

My neighbors didn't seem to be at home, so I tried speaking in a friendly voice to the bison, but the other bison came through the gap in the fence and they began noisily copulating! So, I tried a stern tone of voice, but they just finished their disgusting behavior and then ate my pampas grass. My husband came out of the house and informed them that their behavior was unacceptable. Do you know what they did? They head-butted him through the glass wall of our patio and right through the back of an Adirondack chair we got from L.L. Bean!

I went straight over to our neighbors' house and left a note on their door, complaining about their rambunctious pets. Our city has an ordinance against eating anyone's pampas grass or going to the bathroom on their petunias, and I let them know it! My husband and I can't help but notice their poor stewardship of their pet bison.

What else can we do? It's really annoying.

PS--the wife is some kind of wild Indian.


Pooped On In The Suburbs

Dear Pooped,

Nothing arouses my ire quite like poorly stewarded bison! I truly sympathize with your predicament. I'm afraid, however, that your options are rather limited.

You astutely noted that your neighbor is some sort of wild Indian; is it possible that you live adjacent to Indian land? Indian tribes have retained sovereignty over their land "as long as there is grass to smoke" or some such nonsense. Perfectly reasonable white ordinances against defecating on petunias may not apply.

Still, don't despair. I see no reason why the matter can't be negotiated with firmness and Anglo-axon integrity. Simply invite your neighbors over for a night of Indian tacos and bingo. Then, break out a piece of pipe. Or, is that peace pipe? One forgets...

Good Luck!



"Dear Daphne" answers are written by M. Zen, senior staff writer at Baby Puppy Productions. "Dear Daphne" appears in some two hundred publications nationwide, including The Kiwanis Kink Newsletter, The St. Paul Free Shoplifter, and Compost Industry Tattler.

Ms. Zen is also the author of a number of books, among them the "Pirates Of Finland" romance trilogy, the non-fiction bestseller "Fuck! I Just Missed That Stupid Squirrel!" and "What The Bible Says About Sinks And Faucets", the latest in her wildly successful Jesus, Who's Going To Fix This? series.

In addition, Ms. Zen hosts the popular radio call in program What Is it This Time? on KUD AM "your farm report leader!" as well as playing the role of Pollyanna Bichwell in the long-running play Using My Spidey Powers To Find Your Fucking Shave Cream. Write to her at post office box 32, Pompano Beach FL.  


TexWisGirl said...

mama zen is a busy, busy woman! sheesh!

Robyn Greenhouse said...

I rawv your poem!

hedgewitch said...

only the sound of insane laughter here, I'm afraid...I just *love* all the Pirates of Finland books--especially the one where Inkstra Bazoomis is kidnapped by Long John Baldry and walks his plank somewhere below the antarctic circle while driving off carnivorous penguins with a sharpened watch fob.

Sabio Lantz said...

Love the Poe-ish poem. Very clever and cute scary!
Nicely done.

Kay L. Davies said...

Aww rahvv your poem, toooooo.
And the letters of complaint and advice had me in stitches. There are actually herds of bison not far from here, and although they appear to be well surrounded by strong fencing, I do wonder about them escaping, attempting to cross the Trans-Canada Highway, and doing damage to illegal bicyclists on the shoulder of the road.
As for the herds of Alberta and Saskatchewan motorists who use the highway on a regular/irregular basis, it's every pickup truck for itself, I say.

HermanTurnip said...

It's been so long since my last Babs fix. I now feel whole once again.

As for tacos, if they aren't cheesy Dorito's shell tacos, then it just isn't worth the time ;-)

Helen said...

Peace pipe, piece of pipe, smoking grass, head butting, pooping in the petunias ... OMG I enjoyed this!!

g-man said...

Speaking of such ethnicity...
Here's a joke you NEVER want to tell in the UP eh;
What's the closest thing to a fish's ass?......a Fin!!!!!
Gonna go have a Sauna now..... Later.

g-man said...

Oops. I almost forgot .
Dried Buffalo chips are an excellent fuel source.
Settlers in the Great Plains stacked them up outside
Their sod houses and they stayed warm all Winter.
They would burn well in Bab's fireplace....:-)

Sioux said...

Babs is back! Yahoo!

Margaret said...

Mating Bison? And Daphne didn't even blink an eye.... she knew what to do!

... and a lover, back from the grave? Yikes

Kerry O'Connor said...

I love your Poe-esque poem. His style is enlivened by your humour. I shall be back later to read Babs' next installment.

rashmi menon said...

ooh, macabre humor. just perfect!

Marcoantonio Arellano said...

You and your two other co-authors, Mama Zen and Hedgewitch, are crazy fun!!!!

Love you ladies.

Lynn said...


Jinksy said...

Black humour indeed...

Mama Zen said...

Wow. I wish that I could be Mama Zen! Oh, wait . . .

Hannah said...

Fun, Shay-through and through!!! I enjoyed this post and am leaving with a smile...job well done!! :)

Marian said...

hah. overachievers!

Kerry O'Connor said...

Came back to read the Dear Daphne...She can be glad the intruders were not elephant!

Recently my cousin-in-law complained when a neighbour's dogs kept getting out the yard to tear up bin bags left out for the garbage trucks (no wheelie bin thingies here) and when she drove up to his gate to inform him of the umpteenth time this had happened, he came out waving a gun at her... The peace pipe option seems more suitable for all concerned.

Grandmother said...

This is my first exposure to Dear Daphne and I laughed out loud bringing my friend running who laughed right along with me. Thanks!