Monday, January 13, 2014


In my alligator dream,
there was not enough Revlon to reverse
all the signs of aging
and fighting
and staying in the bath for far too long.

I found it easier to smile.
I went through dentists like tissue paper,
because I just couldn't resist the urge
to snap my jaws 
and send them shaking down my throat, whole.

In my alligator dream,
I was too large to flush down the toilet.
As a result, I was able to occupy
any apartment I wanted.
The heating bills, however, were enormous,
and the water kept shorting out the space heaters.

I lost interest in reading,
and all the other stupid shit I used to love.
All the wasted time!
I could have been squabbling with other alligators
over the bloated, stinking carcass of some unlucky waterside creature,
and making off with my share, triumphant.

That is what I did in my dream.
I used no fork and spoon.
I declined to chew my food.
I relieved myself in the water and made no bones about it.
Ever the lady, I laid eggs like some batshit brood hen,
and when they hatched,
I allowed them to express themselves
and raise themselves
because alligator mothers do not helicopter.

I woke up grinning.
I grabbed the inattentive lover at my side and shook the shit out of her,
then rolled.
"What the fuck?!?" she screamed, stumbling to her feet.
She grabbed her clothes--and on impulse, some Aspercreme--
and was out of there, rubbing her arm and cursing.

I liked being an alligator.
It gave me a lot of permission,
and I didn't care if people liked me or even tasted good.
I miss my powerful tail
and my short ridiculous legs that never needed shaving.

So when you disturb my bath,
coming in without knocking and asking some retarded question,
realize that I am not the same anymore.
Channel the small mammal you are built around,
and read the reply in my eyes
as they look back at you
from just above the surface.

Author's note: In reality, I have no desire to be an alligator; I would have to be an Aveeno-gator, and I don't go near the water unless there is foaming bath soap in it. I would get kicked right out of Alligator Finishing School.


hedgewitch said...

Your alter egos, even in dreams, are more real than some people's actual ones. I love the part about not even caring if they tasted good--alligators must find humans the equivalent of a tootsie roll anyway--no fur, no horns, just a big slider. The underlying play here between predator and prey,not to mention the role reversal, and the sheer magic of these images is both hilarious and terrifying--but at least you don't have to shave your legs. That's a good thing.

Steve King said...

I consider myself warned. We can live many lives through dreams. All those who intrude on our silent musings, beware....

Kerry O'Connor said...

I liked being an alligator.
It gave me a lot of permission...

I was grinning the whole way through - perhaps the hint of the alligator in my smirk.

This was so much fun, creative and always spoken with a strong female voice.

Anonymous said...

HA! i can just see someone intent upon a pair of alligator shoes trying to wrestle you into submission. they'd be lucky to have feet left to fit into shoes!

Anonymous said...

grins for a monday morning. toothy grin, that is. ~

Pealogic said...

You may not want to be an alligator, but wasn't it nice to have its freedom, if only in a dream?

Sherry Blue Sky said...

I so loved this, grinning all the way through, also - especially "mother alligators do not helicopter"....hee hee. Even your DREAMS are better than our dreams. Is that fair?

Marian said...

in real life there ain't enough Revlon for that. sadly.

Anonymous said...

Your stuff--and this is no exception--is at its best when it's like this, all Naked Lunch, but without the dreary and self-indulgent gore crowding out the charming madness. This is mad, but winningly so.

Robert Bourne said...

loved the boldness .. it made me smile and think quite a feat for me to do two things at the same time...

Margaret said...

Ah, but it's fun to pretend - clever imagination - but I wonder, did this poem come to you while in the bathtub. The warning at the end of the eyes just above the surface --- I've had my bath interrupted SO MANY times… my little ones even strip and slide on over the edge … splash! (gotta fix that lock on the bathroom door) …

Hey, I learned this a couple of years ago, but the mothers (at least in FL) hang around in the area - not so much to raise their young, but they do attack and eat predators that try and get their young.

Mama Zen said...

I love every bit of this!

Anonymous said...

Hey, what are dreams for if not permission to swamp boogie where the sun don't shine!

aspiritofsimplicity said...

love this....I laughed. I really don't like alligators though and am glad you don't really want to be one...because then we couldn't be friends