Thousands Die In Quake

They are both survivors--
One of a man and religion,
The other of a girlfriend's fists.
I know that
Summer ends,
And it ends like this:
Diane and Cindy
Are calling it quits.

Life pushes hard,
People die;
Bills go unpaid,
But the thing is, I
Always felt like, as long as
Cindy's head was on Diane's shoulder,
The world could get
Crueler, grayer, colder,
And there was still one thing to count on
That wouldn't go bad,
That wouldn't be gone.

Tonight I found out
That Cindy's moved out,
And that just makes the world seem bitter and fake--
The tv news says,
"Thousands die in quake."
I believe it,
Because tonight I could feel it tremble;
Tonight I felt it
Shake.
______

Jesu, Je T'adore

I told the girl at the salon,
"Here is a picture of my favorite star,
Make me look like this,
Mysterious and
So perfectly blonde."

She said, "Sure thing, but first,
Pray with me,
Pray with me now, right here on the checkered floor,
For Heaven to send a miracle--
Jesu, je t'adore."

Who knew?
Who knew He was French?
They never wear anything twice because of all the smoke...
I'm saved from the miserable shadows, saved by Eurotrash--
This is no light matter.
This is not a joke.

And when you hold me, I'm set free.
You complete me with the way you are;
Then I say, "Darling,
Never love anyone but me."

You say, "Sure thing, but first,
Pray with me,
Pray with me that I won't tell you big whopping lies anymore,
For Heaven to send a miracle--
Jesu, je t'adore."

Who knew?
Who knew He was French?
They never wear anything twice because of all the smoke...
I'm saved from the miserable shadows, saved by Eurotrash--
This is no light matter.
This is not a joke.

When Ducks Go Wrong

A duck is arrested for public lewdness.

They take him to the station house and try to fingerprint him but it all turns into a fucked-up mess of feathers and ink

So they say screw it and just book him.



He is given prison pyjamas but refuses to wear the pants, and craps all over his cell.

Ducks' rights advovocates champion his cause and get him a flashy celebrity lawyer.

"These charges are a quack!" he thunders into a forest of microphones. "I mean, a crock!"

He goes on to publicly demand a little wading pool for his client.



In jail, the duck is nervous. Some of the other inmates may be hunters, or chefs!

He cannot even play basketball in the prison yard, because he is as short as a fireplug and, with his webbed feet, can jump about as well. Besides, he is white; no, I mean really white, like a pillow case.

The duck is brought before a judge.

He is still not wearing pants.

The judge touches his temples, obviously becoming headachey, and asks how does the defendant plead? Does he understand the charges against him? Is he able to assist in his own defense?

"Approach, Your Honor?" requests the celebrity lawyer, solemnly. The judge motions him to the bench.

"My client," intones the attorney mellifluously, "is a goddam duck. He does not speak English. He quacks, er, I mean, craps himself, and flies south for the winter.

Furthermore, he has been given only bread and water while in custody."

The judge stares.

"Isn't that what they eat?"

Neither of them knows what to say next. His Honor bangs his gavel and booms, "Case dismissed!"



Outside on the courthouse steps, a crowd greets the freed fowl.

"Hooray!" they cry.

The duck bites a kid trying to pet him, and, flying away, craps on the upturned cameras. 

"Goddam duck," everyone says.

Plus, he is still not wearing pants.

"Fuck a duck," grumbles the prosecutor, walking away.

Meanwhile, the police arrest a foreign national named Babar...

Vesper!

My dear friends,

Please visit my marvelously talented friend Vesper and read her new poem! I have been a lazy slug busy with something else and not written a new poem in a few days, so today, visit Vesper for a rewarding poetry fix. You'll be glad you did, I promise!

xo

Shay
___

Treats

An airplane comes and takes the world away like a tugboat.

In the morning, people wake up and it's gone.

Scientists are baffled.

Meanwhile, an airplane flies through space towing the world like a tourist trailer in Yellowstone Park.

Space-bears beg.

They're so cute, Harry.

Let's give them

Nicaragua.

(1980)

You Know Who You Are

Ladies,

Irregular church attendance may result in a disquiet of the female temperament, unstable at the best of times.

Left unchecked, such wickedness as lack of obedience and humility, and a failure to acknowledge the husband as God-in-the-home may creep in.

Extreme instances may involve fever, hysteria, and nervous agitation combined with a complete refusal to wear a corset and bustle.

Such women become easy prey for inverts, who may be recognized by their mannish modes of speech and dress, tobacco use, moral laxity and even literacy.

Beware!

Attend services.

Keep eyes downcast.

Depend upon the superior judgement of fathers, husbands, brothers or uncles.

Pray earnestly.

Daughters of Eve, do these things and receive pardon and protection.

Or not.

In which case,

Call me. ;-)

__________

The author apologizes for her complete inability to find a picture of a woman with a Joan Jett 'do, wearing a tuxedo shirt and leathers, to go with this notice. The discovery of such a marvel would allow the author to die happy, and then, of course, descend directly into everlasting torment, where all her friends will be waiting. Neat-o!

Photograph: Marlene Dietrich

Malus Domestica

When I was a child,

I was just eyes in the dark

Scaring myself;

And I was just arms in the dark

Trying to comfort myself

When I was a child.

When I was a girl,

I thought, a girl is no thing to be,

Not here;

And so I turned to a silent woody tree--

Wearing my white blossom dress in spring

With an apple for a heart

When I was a girl.

Everyone said,

"You are not even really a girl,

Nor a wooden doll;

You are just the black in the night,

And the space between dreams,

That's all."

When I heard their words, I wept

And let my leaves fall.

When I found love,

I came back into bloom

And my white blossom dress

Was the envy of the stars, and the lovely distant Moon;

But when I leant to kiss my love,

She was gone, never to come back...

With my single apple in her apron

And the night sky laughed

When I lost love.

Now I am a woman,

And, like all women, my eyes see everything;

My arms reach

To comfort and to keep

My creatures, my garden, and me;

I still wear

My white blossom dress in spring,

And in autumn I weep--

Bring your baskets, for my branches are full with a thousand hearts, both tart and sweet...

Now I am a woman.

_______

Each stanza has one more line than the one before. Like growth rings in a tree. ;-)