Monday, June 4, 2012

New Girl

Hi. I'm the new girl.

Are you gonna finish that salad? 

I heard about this take-out place, and they made salads from lettuce that grew where all these deer were coming by and crapping on it, and people got, like, botulism or something. They puked and had to go in the hospital and stuff. It was gross.

So is it working?

Well, I just assumed you're dieting. Aren't you? I never diet. I can, like, OD on chocolate pie til I'm cross eyed and never gain an ounce. I'd kill myself if I was fat. I mean, that's just me. I like fat people. They're like, jolly, and don't care what they wear, and I think that's very freeing.

Is this a picture of your husband? Wow, he looks a lot younger than you! He's really handsome. Been married long?

Does he work here? Hey, it was just a question.

I love your hair. That retro look is so popular now.

So, you probably know all the ins and outs, right? If I had been here half as long as you, I'd be running the place. But they'd probably fire me for vericose veins or something. Ha! That was a joke!

Wow, you're really not that jolly, are you?

Well, of course you've got work to do! I thought I could help you. What's this junk? Oh, was that in some kind of special order or something? Oops!

Hey look, I'm sorry. Seriously. Let's be friends. I'd really like us to--

Oh, that's my phone. I have to take this. 

Sorry that took so long. I think I've got a cramp in my ass from sitting on your desk! 

Well, I better run. Oh my gosh, you have such a pretty smile! Anyhoo, don't be a stranger, Tammy. Okay, sorry, Tanya. New girl, what can I say? 

Toodles!

(walking away) What a bitch! 

_______ 

for trifecta week 30. 314 words. key word "new."

26 comments:

TexWisGirl said...

i was dying thru this. i think we've all had one of these...

hedgewitch said...

So, you never told me you knew the Hellbitch personally. Portrait to the life. You could, like, be a psychopath--oops, psychologist or something, and you know, you've always, like totally got your head stuck in a book or something so no one cares how you look...:P

HermanTurnip said...

Is it wrong that I wanted to reach out strange the new girl after the fourth paragraph? And to think that I used to know somebody like this... *shudder*

HermanTurnip said...

strange <> strangle

It's funny what one missed character will do to a word.

Gina said...

HYSTERICAL! I didn't want to strangle her but I did want to smack her pretty hard. Then I wanted to got to lunch with her or maybe cocktails. We all know crazies or maybe we are them.

Sioux said...

EVERYBODY has worked with someone like this. Hilarious, Shay.

Shawna said...

You gave me a big, fat smile with this one. :) I made up the best voice for her too.

jannatwrites said...

This was funny! I've known people kind of like this (not quite as bad). My sarcasm worked as a nice shield (and strategically placed stacks of paper helped their need to linger :))

Lynn said...

Being in an office is kind of like that. :)

Hannah Stephenson said...

The office as the middle school cafeteria....I can imagine her so well.

Kerry O'Connor said...

Sadly, the newbies seem to all come in a similar inane mold, and reeking of incompetence.

Annabelle said...

Ah ha ha ha ha! I totally agree, we all know someone like this. Made me laugh.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Oh you so have the lingo of the bimbo down! So funny. All that is missing is her cracking her gum as she talks....and talks....and talks.........

ellen abbott said...

she's certainly the queen of the insult that sounds like a compliment.

mywordwall said...

Wow! I do not know if I will laugh at the character or get irritated with her. You wrote her so well. She's so real. :-) well done.

~Imelda

Buddah Moskowitz said...

:) This is not really poetry as much as reportage. I've dated this woman before, but haven't we all? I loved this - sometimes you don't need another person to have a conversation. Oy, I feel for you. The fat people are supposed to be jolly and they don't care what they look like.I've known clueless people like her. This was bril, sad but bril.Love, Mosk

Scarlet said...

I do not miss the corporate world, amiga. LOVE this!

Rene Foran said...

New Girl needs a punch in the neck, I'll treat!

Mama Zen said...

"Wow, you're really not that jolly, are you?"

Perfect.

Daryl Edelstein said...

OMG .. I know her ....

Mary said...

Love this tale! What a character you have created for us to dislike!

Sandra Tyler said...

lol. this would have been a great link up for my writing workshop hop -- to write in the close first person pt of view!

jesterqueen said...

I honestly wasn't sure, at first, if this was middle school or work. Which means you've captured this new bitch's personality perfectly.

Trifecta said...

Hilarious, loved it. I heard her with a British accent, like someone from the original The Office.
Thanks for playing. Please come back tomorrow for the new prompt.

awriterisborn said...

This is too funny. Some people really don't have that filter.

Lolamouse said...

This is why I like to work ALONE!!!