Wednesday, December 11, 2013

XXXmas

 
I am a cadaverous catastrophe of a girl,
with no credential other than a pulse and a willingness to shuck and jive,
reel 'em in and spit 'em back out,
a lady with a degree in gossip and doubletalk.

Yes, I am what is vulgarly referred to as a seasonal employee.

Look, you need this shit here.
These gadgets piled to the rafters are not just amusements--
they are the natural exclamation point to your whisper of a life,
a lavish, lopsided, overpriced carnival of crapola 
designed to wake you the fuck up
and make your spouse and brats think you're some kind of hot shit like they used to do.

Here, check out this asshole of a doll.
She has natural blonde hair down to her little plastic shoes,
and she is in a veritable frenzy of eagerness to be your BFF and bestie.
She talks all sorts of irrational bipolar bullshit,
and possesses an internal system of hydraulics which enable her to binge and purge like a teenage actress.

Every useless-ass oddity you can imagine, we've got it right here.
We take out full page ads in the Sunday paper, on line 
and on a glossy fold-out in the middle of your bible;
we crow about it from billboards and it's written on my hat as well.
We have a full staff of madmen locked up in the cellar, coming up with copy.
Buy this shit! Now! Oh man, I love Christmas.

Aw, Pookie, I can see that you're overwhelmed.
Come over here, let me cram you in a cubby and spout soothing silliness.
I'll spritz you with calming scents--
let's get your chi as smooth as my counter top.
That gibbering lunacy coming out of your pie hole is solid gold, babe;
best sellers and Oprah book club selections have been built on less.
Let me write it all down with devilish dedication!
I'm prepared to really earn my nine bucks an hour,
and when this is over I can go back to scribbling goth poetry in the coffee shop.

As for you,
you can remember my help forever
and mate feverishly with all this junk you bought!
________

a short tour of the seasonal asylum for Get Listed at Real Toads. I used all 23 words; only three were burned out from last year!

18 comments:

Marcoantonio Arellano said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marcoantonio Arellano said...

sorry deleted last comment because of bipolar typo disorder.

Anyway, what wanted to say:

Phew! After reading this twice I feel cleansed. Almost like I've purged my anger and ill will. lol!

As always, wonderful creativity

hedgewitch said...

I am torn between laughter and the desire to consult a psychiatrist for feeling as if I totally understand where you're coming from here, Professor Fetherblossom. You nail all that squirmy Xmas hypocrisy to the wall and make us watch it bleed greed and dishonesty all over Santa's hat. I love 'the natural exclamation point to your whisper of a life..' among many other gems too numerous to quote, like the countertop smooth chi. Thanks for the Poe-etic challenge, also--a classic if ever there was.

razzamadazzle said...

Love it! I really do my best to avoid all the craziness this time of year. It's best to hibernate until things go back to the normal levels of crazy.

Buddah Moskowitz said...

Woo-ee! Read this into a Soundcloud file immediately. Excellent indictment - funny and right on.

G-Man said...

T'is the Season...Bitches!!!

Helen said...

Help me! Visions of working the holiday season at JC Penny's jewelry department years ago have just come rushing to the forefront of my poor old brain! 😱

Margaret said...

NOTHING to neuter Christmas cheer than working in most stores during the holiday season… ugh. Only you, Shay, can dream this story up though… I think it could be a TV special… ? ha

Lynn said...

Girl!

Sam Edge said...

Don't hold back FB say what's really on your mind! haha

grapeling said...

truth in advertising, or poetry, or something. damn. ~

Kay L. Davies said...

Fantastically fabulous, FB. Love it!
K

Hannah said...

The under-belly of the beast called "Christmas," you've placed them all perfectly, Shay!! I love your use of crow! :)

Grandmother (Mary) said...

I love that opening line, but she shouldn't put herself down with her withering insights into the squirmy side of Christmas that don't add up to much.

Sumana Roy said...


this is a mad mad world....love the lines :D

Mama Zen said...

This is hilarious and frightening! This is exactly what the cursed Wal-Mart felt like yesterday.

Kerry O'Connor said...

This is a rant after my own heart, Shay. Thank you so much for stepping in with an A-list. I shall definitely be writing from it, even though I know I'm hopelessly late.

Lolamouse said...

Oh poo! And I bought you a lovely Chia Pet yesterday!