there was not enough Revlon to reverse
all the signs of aging
and fighting
and staying in the bath for far too long.
Nonetheless,
I found it easier to smile.
I went through dentists like tissue paper,
because I just couldn't resist the urge
to snap my jaws
and send them shaking down my throat, whole.
In my alligator dream,
I was too large to flush down the toilet.
As a result, I was able to occupy
any apartment I wanted.
The heating bills, however, were enormous,
and the water kept shorting out the space heaters.
I lost interest in reading,
opera,
gardening,
and all the other stupid shit I used to love.
All the wasted time!
I could have been squabbling with other alligators
over the bloated, stinking carcass of some unlucky waterside creature,
and making off with my share, triumphant.
That is what I did in my dream.
I used no fork and spoon.
I declined to chew my food.
I relieved myself in the water and made no bones about it.
Ever the lady, I laid eggs like some batshit brood hen,
and when they hatched,
I allowed them to express themselves
and raise themselves
because alligator mothers do not helicopter.
I woke up grinning.
I grabbed the inattentive lover at my side and shook the shit out of her,
then rolled.
"What the fuck?!?" she screamed, stumbling to her feet.
She grabbed her clothes--and on impulse, some Aspercreme--
and was out of there, rubbing her arm and cursing.
I liked being an alligator.
It gave me a lot of permission,
and I didn't care if people liked me or even tasted good.
I miss my powerful tail
and my short ridiculous legs that never needed shaving.
So when you disturb my bath,
coming in without knocking and asking some retarded question,
realize that I am not the same anymore.
Channel the small mammal you are built around,
and read the reply in my eyes
as they look back at you
from just above the surface.
______
Author's note: In reality, I have no desire to be an alligator; I would have to be an Aveeno-gator, and I don't go near the water unless there is foaming bath soap in it. I would get kicked right out of Alligator Finishing School.
Your alter egos, even in dreams, are more real than some people's actual ones. I love the part about not even caring if they tasted good--alligators must find humans the equivalent of a tootsie roll anyway--no fur, no horns, just a big slider. The underlying play here between predator and prey,not to mention the role reversal, and the sheer magic of these images is both hilarious and terrifying--but at least you don't have to shave your legs. That's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI consider myself warned. We can live many lives through dreams. All those who intrude on our silent musings, beware....
ReplyDeleteI liked being an alligator.
ReplyDeleteIt gave me a lot of permission...
I was grinning the whole way through - perhaps the hint of the alligator in my smirk.
This was so much fun, creative and always spoken with a strong female voice.
HA! i can just see someone intent upon a pair of alligator shoes trying to wrestle you into submission. they'd be lucky to have feet left to fit into shoes!
ReplyDelete♥
grins for a monday morning. toothy grin, that is. ~
ReplyDeleteYou may not want to be an alligator, but wasn't it nice to have its freedom, if only in a dream?
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ReplyDeleteI so loved this, grinning all the way through, also - especially "mother alligators do not helicopter"....hee hee. Even your DREAMS are better than our dreams. Is that fair?
in real life there ain't enough Revlon for that. sadly.
ReplyDeleteYour stuff--and this is no exception--is at its best when it's like this, all Naked Lunch, but without the dreary and self-indulgent gore crowding out the charming madness. This is mad, but winningly so.
ReplyDeleteloved the boldness .. it made me smile and think quite a feat for me to do two things at the same time...
ReplyDeleteAh, but it's fun to pretend - clever imagination - but I wonder, did this poem come to you while in the bathtub. The warning at the end of the eyes just above the surface --- I've had my bath interrupted SO MANY times… my little ones even strip and slide on over the edge … splash! (gotta fix that lock on the bathroom door) …
ReplyDeleteHey, I learned this a couple of years ago, but the mothers (at least in FL) hang around in the area - not so much to raise their young, but they do attack and eat predators that try and get their young.
I love every bit of this!
ReplyDeleteHey, what are dreams for if not permission to swamp boogie where the sun don't shine!
ReplyDeletelove this....I laughed. I really don't like alligators though and am glad you don't really want to be one...because then we couldn't be friends
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