Lambs, it's me, Babs St. Argent, from Objets D'art! Having exhausted my throng of two and a half loyal readers, I have decided to be magnanimous and share my favorite advice columnist, "Dear Daphne", with Fireblossom's audience! Why, I feel so kind, like a saintly nun tending the sick in some trackless jungle, except, you know, it's just Word Garden. But still. One does what one can! And so now, without further delay, let's open up the Pompano Beach Inquirer and read "Dear Daphne"!
With the holidays upon us once again, I am worried about how to smooth over an awkward situation with my mother. Recently, my parents arrived for dinner at my house, with my husband Herbert and I. I should tell you that when I met Herbert, I knew he was the love of my life...but my parents never approved.
We were all sitting at the table, when in the middle of his telling a story about something funny that happened at work, my mother suddenly picked up the gravy boat and clocked my beloved Herbert with it. Herbert slumped into his baby asparagus and couldn't be revived, even when I brought out my famous roast of lamb. Complaining that it might be a toll call, my father phoned 911. The paramedics came, and off we all went to the hospital. Herbert never recovered, leaving me peeved with my parents.
You see, Daphne, my precious gravy boat was ruined. I feel that mom should replace it, but whenever I try to tactfully bring it up, she just changes the subject or claims not to remember. How can I make her see that she owes me a new gravy boat?
Miffed In Mississippi
Dear Miffed In Mississippi,
I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost a gravy boat once, and I know how heartbreaking it can be. My deepest sympathies during this difficult time.
Still, life goes on, and it is an unpleasant fact of life that allowances must be made for our elders (especially the ones who can still change the will). So, I suggest that you take a subtle, gentle approach. At your next family gathering, serve your mother's gravy from a dirty, plastic Budweiser ashtray stolen from a redneck biker bar. If she's not completely doddering, she will get the hint. And, if she is completely doddering, what is she doing out of the home, anyway?
"Dear Daphne" answers are written by M. Zen, senior staff writer at Baby Puppy Productions. In addition to writing her advice column, which appears in 20,000 publications worldwide, including Cardigan Knitters Large Print Weekly and Beefcake Boys Of Biloxi, Ms. Zen is also the author of several books, including You're Not Wearing Those Shoes, Are You?, and Curb Training Your Man. You can also hear her on KCOW radio at noon every Thursday, answering your questions live, on the air. She wants everyone to know that, when she made those remarks about vegetarians last week, she thought the mic was off.