Friday, October 26, 2012

A Simple Guide For Gentlemen Of A Certain Age On How To Avoid Summary Execution While Visiting My Favorite Sandwich Shop

  • do not pontificate
  • do not discuss the lottery. you are not going to win it. ever.
  • do not discuss people you worked with twenty years ago at the plant. do not try to puzzle out whether they now live in east bumfuk or new slagheap.
  • do not describe your old sports injuries. do not display them.
  • do not share your thoughts about any of your ex-wives.
  • do not discuss automobile parts/engines/makes/models
  • do not hold forth about sports. any sport. 
  • do not jingle coins in your pants pocket
  • do not shout a conversation with your buddy five tables away.
  • do not stand in the doorway with the door open during winter months while wrapping up your convo with your friend for fifteen minutes.
  • do not tell war stories.
  • do not complain about the price of a cup of coffee. do not announce that another shop sells it more cheaply. just go there. now.
  • do not hold lengthy discussions of how best to get to east bumfuk or new slagheap if you are not going there immediately. 
  • do not play "let's remember".
  • do not discuss bow hunting. 
  • do not turn to the mail lady who is trying to eat lunch, read her book, and catch thirty minutes down time, and ask if it is hot or cold enough for her, how much stamps cost, or whether she knows your cousin's friend's neighbor, who works for the east bumfuk post office (or maybe it's new slagheap). 
Use these life-saving tips. You're welcome.

for Mary's Mixed peeves.


TexWisGirl said...

your title was enough to make me laugh, but then all of your advice 'tips' were priceless, too. :)

Helen said...

I'm old and needy ... send him over my way!!!

Hannah said...

This is hilarious...I've worked at a few places where ther are regulars and must make rules or put in ear plugs and blinders to keep list is extensive and right on, Shay!!

I love this one:

"do not complain about the price of a cup of coffee. do not announce that another shop sells it more cheaply. just go there. now."

So great! How I wish I could have said that to some of those particular stingy peeps! :)

hedgewitch said...

But tell me, how do you *really* feel?

The problem with society is that it has so many humans in it. I hate that.

You get the undisputed Unicorn Princess of Snark award for this one.

Mary said...

Laughing at Helen's comment first of all. It feels good to laugh. Smiles.

Yes, there is definitely a cast of characters that frequents such places. You'd never find someone discussing bow hunting in these parts...LOL... I wouldn't mind a discussion of football, but spare me baseball talk. Talking with the door open and letting the cold air in, now that would definitely peeve me big time.

I loved your perspective, Shay! Now, let's get serious: how much do stamps cost???

Cloudia said...

oh GAWDESS do I hear you!!!!!

Grrrrr....sometimes people are just too much of a strain. Bless them, but AWAY from me, y'know? Of COURSE you do.

So the point is, that you render them mute? Presumably it would be OK for someone to tell you that you dropped your keys, or that he was from the Prize Patrol and holds a bazzillion dollar big check for you- in which case, please come visit. I'll go on to Hong Kong with you for a kick a** vacay!

Weekend Aloha from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral

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Sherry Blue Sky said...

This has to be the best title ever. Grinned all the way through this! Absolutely perfect.

Audrey Howitt aka Divalounger said...

Funny! And I agree---made me smile big time at the end of a long day! Thank you!

Susan said...

I enjoyed this list! Fun. I made one once of 15 things not to say over the stage manager's headsets--but that may not be as universal.

Susie Clevenger said...

Love this! I had to laugh at the list, but it is so true...please don't do all that while I am trying to eat. lol

Kerry O'Connor said...

Down time should never be disturbed - no matter where or when...

Roselie said...

That was hilarious!Each and every one of them!

Kay L. Davies said...

Oh, pity the poor postal person whose half-hour break is interrupted by Mr. Insensitive complaining about the cost of stamps.
I just loved your title, Shay: "for gentlemen of a certain age on how to avoid summary execution" struck me as downright hilarious, as did the thought of old men showing off old sports injuries. I assume you don't want to see old war wounds, either.
Great stuff.

Ella said...

so fun to read! YOU should write this book! You nailed this one...
so funny, but sad n' true..yikes!

Lynn said...

Hah! We all know this guy. :) Funny, FB.

Mama Zen said...

Are inquiries about missing magazines welcome?

Anonymous said...

aaawwww! gee! why can't they discuss bow hunting?