Saturday, December 29, 2012

The Demanding Doll

The Demanding Doll isn't satisfied with the Colonial in Hunter's Grove anymore.
A few pairs of shrimpy shoes the size of baby teeth
are supposed to keep her happy?
Get a real job, you worm.
Grow some.
Get out there and get busy.

The Demanding Doll hasn't got the distractions of motherhood.
Breasts may be for babies,
but if someone would just swing her by her ankles,
she could use hers to hammer horse shoes.

The Demanding Doll has powers.
If she wants more hair, she can just pull it out the top of her skull.
She can do all the positions in the Kama Sutra and never get a cramp.
She can keep living for weeks without her head.
Close all the car windows 
in the middle of July.
Leave her there alone.
She won't die.

What do you bring to the table?
Are you a man or a mouse?
Don't be so meek.

Listen at you.
"I thought everything was perfect!"
"I thought you really loved me!"
"I thought you were fully posable!"
Wake up.
She doesn't want any toy Escalade with plastic doors.
And one thing more...
she's late,
and it's not yours.


hedgewitch said...

I remember when I was fully posable. I think I may have run into the male version of this toy, though it never could pull a beard out of its face the way I wanted it to. Delightfully demented, Shay. It's good to have you back.

Anonymous said...

LMFAO! i missed you!!!

i still think it'd be a blast to be inside your head ~ for, like, three minutes maybe. anything beyond that would guarantee insanity!

Kerry O'Connor said...

Oh this is a riot! You have nailed all those weirdnesses of Barbie: breasts to hammer horseshoes, living without a head. Hehehe!

PS. I have just realized what it is I miss about your old blog layout! It's the cool font of the commentary... that was so you. This default font is far too pedestrian for Fireblossom.

Fireblossom said...

I hear ya, Kerry! And so, I have brought back the "Rock Salt" font I love for the titles and gadgets. I'd love to have it for the comments, too, but to do that, I would have to make it the default post for the post itself, and people tell me they can't read it. I did, however, spruce the posts and comments up just a bit with a font I think is legible, but pleasing and subtly girly.

Kerry O'Connor said...

Ah, right! I see what you mean about post and comments being in the same font, but I like this one better than the generic, and am very happy to see Rock Salt slashing red words around... Much better!

TexWisGirl said...

i'm laughing, laughing, laughing. this one was spot on!

Mary said...

Thanks for the Happy New Year wish in my blog. Back at ya, Shay. Happy New Year!

Lolamouse said...

This was hilarious! It simultaneously reminded me of Ibsen's "A Doll's House" and of my demented childhood game of ripping the heads off Barbies andflying the heads around the room by their hair to haunt those that were still "alive." TMI?

Hannah Stephenson said...

Damn....she is demanding, but I like her! :)

Happy new year, Shay!

Sherry Blue Sky said...

This is so hilarious - especially using her boobs to hammer horseshoes. Cackle!

Mama Zen said...

What amazes me is how perfectly this captures the expression on her face!

Lynn said...

Yes - the photo of the doll goes perfectly with your words. :)

Anonymous said...

ok, so don't kill me.... can i plead temporary insanity? no? okay, permanent insanity!

i did a take off of this poem. i couldn't help myself! please, please, please forgive me!!!

i love you, Sista Poet!

Anonymous said...

um.... and i just realized you were referring to a Colonial-style house. i misread it as "Colonel" like her boyfriend's rank in the army or something ~ you know how once a colonel always a colonel and a lotta guys like to be called by their former rank instead of their name... and, well, um.... sorry!

so technically i guess that means i did NOT use one of your characters without permission? {sheepish grin}

Fireblossom said...

Sista Poet, your "sequel" is the most hilarious thing I have read in ages. I love it!!!

Anonymous said...

whew! happy to make you laugh, Sis!

aprille said...

Soooo want a head where I can pull up some hair extensions.

Laura said...

Too funny!!!!

Winnie said...

Awesome! Made me laugh. I found you thru Dani.

Kim Nelson said...

Love the breast reference. I know a couple of these gals. Happiness, for them, seems elusive. You nailed it.

Laurie Kolp said...

So funny. I love Barbie lit... Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! Every word of it ! Thanks for turning 'Barbie' on her head to 'hammer horse shoes' Happy New Year!

Abin Chakraborty said...

ouch! it gives me the feeling of being kicked where it hurts most.signature style.what a way to round off the year!bravo.

Anonymous said...

That is quite the fun read!

Siggi in Downeast Maine said...

Fun read...been back twice...thanks for the smiles.
Happy New Year 1

Isadora Gruye said...

Let us not forget also: the only hole in her body is the one on her hand for her wedding ring!

Thanks for directing me here, loved the mockery and strange empowerment you mixed here. I am not sure how I feel about barbie any more, perhaps I will just stick to my paper dolls and doiley making.

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious:

"Breasts may be for babies,
but if someone would just swing her by her ankles,
she could use hers to hammer horse shoes."

"She can keep living for weeks without her head." If only we could all figure out how to manage that! :)

Love this transition: "What do you bring to the table?"

"And one thing more...
she's late,
and it's not yours." Indeed. Now THAT is an ending. Shabang. Love it, girl. And you.

Herotomost said...

A social comment to pale all last punch was like an ugly fiberglass angel at the top of the christmas tree.....truly amazing...loved it.

Anonymous said...

It's a bit like Eartha Kitt skipped the purring "Santa Baby" stuff and went straight to full-on Catwoman mode. One of the problems with a piece with bite is that sometimes the vitriol boils over and spills vinegar all over the page, making an angry mess. Fortunately, this has plent of bite and is very, very well done.

Kay L. Davies said...

Shhh, don't tell anyone, but I'm pre-Barbie, and I've always hated the damned things.
Good for you, letting her live for weeks in a car with her head off. Wish I had done that with my little sister's damn Barbie.

Marian said...

love this, hah! signed, Barbie Resistant.
oh and also! love that song. i mean TRUE LOVE. signed, Disco Queen.
and also? i am glad you changed the font... really hard to read, the other is. signed, Old Eyes.