Reanimated Lavender Granola Switchblade Nun rides again.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Randy Tulsa's Old Rugged Cross Mega-Church

There's a door charge to get in to Right Reverend Randy Tulsa's Old Rugged Cross Mega-Church. One tenth of everything on you, as well as one tenth of everything out in the car, back at your house (both the main and the summer "cottage"), and whatever you've got squirreled away in the Caymans. God sees it all, brothers and sisters. 

Come on. Come in. If there's a cover charge, you know there's a band! Check out Miranda and the Trinity! She's got the pipes, brothers and sisters.

You make me so happyyyy
such love makes my heart soarrrrr...
Jesus is my boyfriend
I could never ask for more!

How about Miranda, let's give her a hand! What a testimony! All right now, let's talk about prosperity a minute. God doesn't want His children scrabbling around without a nickel to their name. Would YOU let YOUR kids go hungry, have to sleep outside, or drive a three year old compact? NO! God wants you to be prosperous. Here's Tiffany to talk about how tithing leads to riches!

(Tiffany does her thing. Miranda sings Ripped Jesus Is My Strength. Then Randy Tulsa takes the stage to wild applause.)

Yes, friends, God loves you, is proud of you, wants the best for you! And no matter what you've done, God forgives! Take this man over here! (Randy Tulsa whirls around and points at a pew off to the left, in front. Randy's finger is like Judgement itself.) The man he's pointing at is smeared with gore and is wearing a hockey mask. Randy thunders: Have you lived a life steeped in wickedness and sin, brother? The man looks around from behind his mask, seems uncertain, then nods nervously. Randy roars: Have you scorned the ten commandments? Have you forgotten The Lord in your life????

Hockey Mask Man begins to tremble, dropping the knife as his shoulders shake. Randy Tulsa strides with purpose down the steps to the man and lays hands on him. Randy, taken with a sudden ecstasy, sings out: Are you ready to repent, brother? Are you READY to be FORGIVEN by His almighty LOVE? The crowd is into it, swaying and shouting "Amen!" Randy Tulsa waves the nearest of the congregation into a group hug with the gore-soaked man. Randy beams and exclaims: You are forgiven, son! It's like all that sin never happened at all! You've been through the wash cycle of Heavenly Love! As an aide gets the man's address, cell number and estimated weekly pledge, Randy re-takes the stage.

But what is THIS???? Again he points like an angry Old Testament prophet, but this time toward the back of the mega-church as cameras swing around to capture it all. Heads turn and necks swivel, but no one can tell what Randy is pointing at. He resumes: Outside, the unsaved! Homosexuals engaging in behavior the bible tells us is an abomination to God! Devious foreigners slipping into our country to destroy it! Lazy welfare cheats living off of our backs, rioting in the streets! Will YOU pray with me now, brothers and sisters? Let's bow our heads while our wonderful Youth Bible Camp teens come around with the offering plates. 

Miranda sings:

Jesus has the kindest eyes
like a lifeguard watching over me
So powerful, but gentle, too
And Omg, Kimberly, he's set me freeeee

As everybody files out, Randy Tulsa stands beaming at them benevolently, thinking: Pay up, you dopes, I owe my fucking dentist a bundle! 

for Brendan's "doors" prompt.

and now, because I can, The Doors.


  1. How else to get the teeth to gleam so pearly white - like the gates of Heaven. Just pass through that gate and I will consume you. Ha. Its a cycle of insanity. The more you make, the greater my cut.

    So why tell the truth - when I can tell you what you want. Make you feel good. And send you out to make a bit more.

    Nice Shay. Always a treat.

  2. nice hypocrisy survey, and yes: always a treat

  3. A treat indeed of those who do evil in the name of their god. And how sucked in those who think money can pay off their sins.
    Glad I'm an atheist too.
    Anna :o]

  4. I have never understood the church unless it looks to every human... but I think that the most important part of any holy place is that there is a door to shut...

    The worst part of the bible is the gospel of prosperity...

  5. Spot on, you nailed it. Sigh. I grow weary. How you can rock a tale.

  6. And I am glad I am NOT an atheist. It like this take on the hypocrisy of relgion. For some reason people seemed to zero in on Christianity forgetting about Islam and their hypocrisy and love for young boys. good work on this Shay. And their murdering in the name of Allah, just as we murder in the name of Yahweh.

  7. Shay--How many of these mega-church/tent show revival services have you sat through to get (what I think is) a truly authentic feel to the greedy whackadoodles that do this?

    Please don't say "none." That would piss me off too much...

  8. Amurrrica is uniquely devastated by its fanatical devotion to oceanic nonsense: Only such distraction could allow slavery to rescind the Golden Rule. You are In or you are Out Out Out! Damnation's door in s/he who shouts the loudest ...

  9. You have captured the hypocrisy of religion so powerfully here, Shay!

  10. Sioux--I may have sat through a few, before I learned to always decline invitations to join a friend for services.

  11. Oh, I have been to this church several times. There are a lot of stories I could tell, a drug addicted evangelist, a rapist from a prayer group. Yes, not every church is like that, but I am not going back to find out which ones are "safe."


Spirit, what do you wish to tell us?