Free House Hunter's Guide from Herb West's Second Chance Realty!

1.When buying a new house, do not search via Ouija board.

2. A reputable realtor is key. Avoid any who keep a muddy shovel in the corner of their office. Notice his/her attire. Plague masks or hooded black robes are red flags.

3. Ask about pets. Some homes come with pets included, but inspect cupboards and attics for them before deciding.

4. Landscaping is important. Is the yard tidy and pleasant? Things such as grave stones, bright green industrial by-product bubbling up, or yellow crime tape are hints that the property has not been well maintained. 

5. How many bathrooms are there? Are there bathrooms at all? While outbuildings may lend a certain retro charm, how will you feel about it on a cold winter morning? Inspect indoor pipes and fixtures, if any, for gaping holes, flaking rust, or evidence that thieves have removed the copper. This can be ascertained by examining walls for smashed plaster, large missing sections, and graffiti. These are subtle signs of future trouble.

6. Is the house original, or have additions been added? Is there a mother-in-law apartment, and is someone's mother-in-law currently residing there? Do you think you could get along with her, or is she a total bitch? Would you want to have to bother with bricking or boarding her in? Very few new home buyers consider the inconvenience of police investigations and felony charges while still trying to settle in.

7. Is the exterior protected with aluminum or vinyl siding? Are there gaps where large birds have built elaborate nests? Are there apertures for archers or cannon? Are chimneys constructed of sturdy brick, or hastily applied papier mache? You'll want to know, before closing on a house. 

8. Finally, you know the old maxim: Location, location, location!!! Is the house near, or built on, a bog or nuclear waste dump? (Remember, the only glow you should have is that of a proud new home owner!) Is the house part of a military target range? Inquire as to their hours, national affiliation, and size of ordnance before moving in. You'll be glad you did! Also, check to make sure the property is not being used as a large cat sanctuary, winter grounds for carnies, or as a headquarters for an illegal religious cult.

Happy house hunting! My name is Mitzy MacIntosh, and I'd be delighted to help you find the home of your dreams! Just call Herb West's Second Chance Realty and ask for Mitzy!


  1. Huge grin on my face, however I am not going down that Mitzy Path. How clever you are with this one, Shay!!!

  2. What fun you must have had with this one -- and what fun we all have to read it! So clever and cheeky!

  3. Oh my my! What did I read just now! My tummy is still aching with the ROFL moment :D I missed the voodoo doll, Shay :P

  4. Mitzy, do you work with dogs?
    Maybe something with an agility backyard? Asking for my family...

  5. Oh how I love this so much!!! I don't know how you do it my friend!!! Number 6 totally cracked me up! This is brilliant and kooky wonderful all rolled into one!!

  6. This is a total hoot, of course. I can't pick a favorite line (or number) because my eyes are all blurry from laughing *way* too hard, but I think the timely warning about potential homicide investigations should be a de rigeur consideration for all hopeful new home owners. Be careful that this isn't plagiarized by the local Realtor's Association.

  7. This is so amusing. I completely enjoyed it - sounds like a place or two I have passed through, lol. Yes, my fave was the warning about police tape and gravestones.

  8. The whole thing is hilarious. "Would you want to have to bother with bricking or boarding her in?" - priceless.

  9. A fine write, comedy for sure. But there is truth between the lines, a house is a big investment and mostly it's 'buyer beware.'

  10. is the house in the photo still available? i'd like to make an offer

    very clever shay, very creative, enjoyed very much

  11. Oh priceless (unlike the house!). Choking on my cornflakes.

  12. Smiles through every verse and the video
    Happy Sunday


  13. Shay--It's good to know that you've found a second career in the real estate business...
    After all, you have lots of spare time to fill, right?

    Hilarious. You gave me a much-needed laugh.

  14. Spoken like a true veteran house hunter with her tongue firmly in her cheek. Very entertaining read, Shay.

  15. My dearest Mitzy,
    I recently read your highly descriptive and thoroughly delightful realty add. I don't know what county you work in, but any home buyers are lucky to hire you since you obviously know all the signs of a bad sale and can help acquire a quick mortgage, if needed. I will, however hire a different realtor.

    (I enjoyed your humor so much.)

  16. Loved reading this practical advice poem. I like that you gave the realtor a name.

  17. oh, sure, bring the yucks, too. show-off. esp since I used to work in mortgages and met way, way too many realtors who were nowhere near as honest as Mitzi ~


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