Free House Hunter's Guide from Herb West's Second Chance Realty!

1.When buying a new house, do not search via Ouija board.

2. A reputable realtor is key. Avoid any who keep a muddy shovel in the corner of their office. Notice his/her attire. Plague masks or hooded black robes are red flags.

3. Ask about pets. Some homes come with pets included, but inspect cupboards and attics for them before deciding.

4. Landscaping is important. Is the yard tidy and pleasant? Things such as grave stones, bright green industrial by-product bubbling up, or yellow crime tape are hints that the property has not been well maintained. 

5. How many bathrooms are there? Are there bathrooms at all? While outbuildings may lend a certain retro charm, how will you feel about it on a cold winter morning? Inspect indoor pipes and fixtures, if any, for gaping holes, flaking rust, or evidence that thieves have removed the copper. This can be ascertained by examining walls for smashed plaster, large missing sections, and graffiti. These are subtle signs of future trouble.

6. Is the house original, or have additions been added? Is there a mother-in-law apartment, and is someone's mother-in-law currently residing there? Do you think you could get along with her, or is she a total bitch? Would you want to have to bother with bricking or boarding her in? Very few new home buyers consider the inconvenience of police investigations and felony charges while still trying to settle in.

7. Is the exterior protected with aluminum or vinyl siding? Are there gaps where large birds have built elaborate nests? Are there apertures for archers or cannon? Are chimneys constructed of sturdy brick, or hastily applied papier mache? You'll want to know, before closing on a house. 

8. Finally, you know the old maxim: Location, location, location!!! Is the house near, or built on, a bog or nuclear waste dump? (Remember, the only glow you should have is that of a proud new home owner!) Is the house part of a military target range? Inquire as to their hours, national affiliation, and size of ordnance before moving in. You'll be glad you did! Also, check to make sure the property is not being used as a large cat sanctuary, winter grounds for carnies, or as a headquarters for an illegal religious cult.

Happy house hunting! My name is Mitzy MacIntosh, and I'd be delighted to help you find the home of your dreams! Just call Herb West's Second Chance Realty and ask for Mitzy!

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for The Sunday Muse #179.