Sunday, January 1, 2012

The Amish Hit Girl

The Amish hit girl hits a snag--
Running you over with a buggy turned out to be
Harder than it looked;
See,
She wanted to dispatch you
Expeditiously,
But nooOooo...
She had to start the horses
One time, two times, three.

What, nothing to say?
Have you finally gone to the devil?
No more bonnets, no more scrapple?
The Amish hit girl
Can catch and grill you;
Take off her long black dress
And fucking thrill you.
She can quilt like a stone Dutch ho,
She can ring you without a phone,
Or just kill you.
The Amish hit girl...
Nice.
_____

linked to Real Toads open link monday

28 comments:

Caty said...

she's quite well rounded, that one! :)

hedgewitch said...

It's tough on a working girl in this recession. Can't afford good horses. She could always try getting the next one drunk on moonshine then pushing him into the pig pen--no messy disposal problems that way.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Love it! "take off her long black dress and fucking thrill you." and "ring you without a phone". Clever and sassy.

Sioux said...

What a way to welcome the new year in: a poem bashing the Amish that's a smashing success.

"...stone Dutch ho" was my favorite part.

Doc FTSE said...

There's never an Amish Girl around when you really need one. Then when one comes along she tries to trample you underfoot. Brilliant.

Lynn said...

Oh Shay - an Amish Hit Girl - what will you think of next??? I enjoyed this very much - thanks for the wake up poem!

Kerry O'Connor said...

Ha! You would have thought... Oh right, this is Shay's space! A reminder never to underestimate a woman, whether she seems cowed by tradition or not.

Lolamouse said...

What does she charge? I may be in need of her services? And where do you pull lines like "stone Dutch ho" from anyway? I'd love to think of a line like that!

Marion said...

LMAO! I fucking love this, even before I've had my coffee. Have you heard that it's call 'wet work' now? I'm still trying to figure out why a hit would be called 'wet work' unless it's the bloody factor...or maybe being fed to the fishes or put in wet concrete....

Super fucking awesome, Shay. I even read it out loud to my husband. He said "WOW!" High praise indeed. :-) xoxo

Marian said...

oh good lord i grew up in Amish country and this had not occurred to me. hah.

Daryl Edelstein said...

Daryl & John would absolutelty love this ..

TALON said...

Obviously there's something to be said about Amish girls with attitude and who better to say it?

Happy New Year, Shay!

Brian Miller said...

i dare you to run off photocopies and post them around pennsylvania...hehe

Mary said...

Sometimes you can't judge a book (or person) by its (her) cover!

Scarlet said...

Shay, this one is almost auto-biographical, chica! ;) lol

Happy New Year to the Amish hit girl inside all of us!! :D

ravenpress said...

Oh yeah! Happy New Year Firey One!

zongrik said...

does the Amish Hit Girl "solve problems" for the Amish Mafia?

Kay L. Davies said...

There's an idea I somehow missed. High score for originality, Shay! Of all the least likely hit-persons, she would be last, but what about trace evidence in the traces?
K

myheartslovesongs said...

i didn't know a stone Dutch ho could quilt ~ or are you just being facetious? i mean, i'd expect an Amish girl to be an amazing quilter and make scrapple to-die for and.........

you're a goober!

LOVE this!

Heaven said...

She must be quite a girl ~

Nice one Shay ~ Happy New Year ~

HermanTurnip said...

"The Amish hit girl", eh? Born with the ability churn butter at incredible speed. More powerful than a horse drawn buggy. Able to leap barns with a running start.

I sense a movie here. Care to co-write the script with me?

Margaret said...

Oh, only you! An Amish hit girl... I will be remembering this (with a giggle) for some time...

Laurie Kolp said...

As always, truly entertaining and extremely clever.

darkangelwrites said...

Bout spit my coffee at this part,
"Take off her long black dress
And fucking thrill you.
She can quilt like a stone Dutch ho."
:D

Sara said...

You got me at the line, "The Amish hit girl..."

This was so much fun to read aloud. I could read again and again...

BTW Happy New Year:~)

Mama Zen said...

"She can quilt like a stone Dutch ho."

Possibly the greatest line EVER.

Ella said...

I love the sass in this one! Where is
Weird Al, we need this as a song!
Fun~
Happy New Year~

Sienna said...

Stone Dutch Ho indeed!!!! You are a powerful writer. Thanks for sharing with us mortals.....