Running you over with a buggy turned out to be
Harder than it looked;
See,
She wanted to dispatch you
Expeditiously,
But nooOooo...
She had to start the horses
One time, two times, three.
What, nothing to say?
Have you finally gone to the devil?
No more bonnets, no more scrapple?
The Amish hit girl
Can catch and grill you;
Take off her long black dress
And fucking thrill you.
She can quilt like a stone Dutch ho,
She can ring you without a phone,
Or just kill you.
The Amish hit girl...
Nice.
_____
linked to Real Toads open link monday
she's quite well rounded, that one! :)
ReplyDeleteIt's tough on a working girl in this recession. Can't afford good horses. She could always try getting the next one drunk on moonshine then pushing him into the pig pen--no messy disposal problems that way.
ReplyDeleteLove it! "take off her long black dress and fucking thrill you." and "ring you without a phone". Clever and sassy.
ReplyDeleteWhat a way to welcome the new year in: a poem bashing the Amish that's a smashing success.
ReplyDelete"...stone Dutch ho" was my favorite part.
There's never an Amish Girl around when you really need one. Then when one comes along she tries to trample you underfoot. Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteOh Shay - an Amish Hit Girl - what will you think of next??? I enjoyed this very much - thanks for the wake up poem!
ReplyDeleteHa! You would have thought... Oh right, this is Shay's space! A reminder never to underestimate a woman, whether she seems cowed by tradition or not.
ReplyDeleteWhat does she charge? I may be in need of her services? And where do you pull lines like "stone Dutch ho" from anyway? I'd love to think of a line like that!
ReplyDeleteLMAO! I fucking love this, even before I've had my coffee. Have you heard that it's call 'wet work' now? I'm still trying to figure out why a hit would be called 'wet work' unless it's the bloody factor...or maybe being fed to the fishes or put in wet concrete....
ReplyDeleteSuper fucking awesome, Shay. I even read it out loud to my husband. He said "WOW!" High praise indeed. :-) xoxo
oh good lord i grew up in Amish country and this had not occurred to me. hah.
ReplyDeleteDaryl & John would absolutelty love this ..
ReplyDeleteObviously there's something to be said about Amish girls with attitude and who better to say it?
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year, Shay!
i dare you to run off photocopies and post them around pennsylvania...hehe
ReplyDeleteSometimes you can't judge a book (or person) by its (her) cover!
ReplyDeleteShay, this one is almost auto-biographical, chica! ;) lol
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to the Amish hit girl inside all of us!! :D
Oh yeah! Happy New Year Firey One!
ReplyDeletedoes the Amish Hit Girl "solve problems" for the Amish Mafia?
ReplyDeleteThere's an idea I somehow missed. High score for originality, Shay! Of all the least likely hit-persons, she would be last, but what about trace evidence in the traces?
ReplyDeleteK
i didn't know a stone Dutch ho could quilt ~ or are you just being facetious? i mean, i'd expect an Amish girl to be an amazing quilter and make scrapple to-die for and.........
ReplyDeleteyou're a goober!
LOVE this!
♥
She must be quite a girl ~
ReplyDeleteNice one Shay ~ Happy New Year ~
"The Amish hit girl", eh? Born with the ability churn butter at incredible speed. More powerful than a horse drawn buggy. Able to leap barns with a running start.
ReplyDeleteI sense a movie here. Care to co-write the script with me?
Oh, only you! An Amish hit girl... I will be remembering this (with a giggle) for some time...
ReplyDeleteAs always, truly entertaining and extremely clever.
ReplyDeleteBout spit my coffee at this part,
ReplyDelete"Take off her long black dress
And fucking thrill you.
She can quilt like a stone Dutch ho."
:D
You got me at the line, "The Amish hit girl..."
ReplyDeleteThis was so much fun to read aloud. I could read again and again...
BTW Happy New Year:~)
"She can quilt like a stone Dutch ho."
ReplyDeletePossibly the greatest line EVER.
I love the sass in this one! Where is
ReplyDeleteWeird Al, we need this as a song!
Fun~
Happy New Year~
Stone Dutch Ho indeed!!!! You are a powerful writer. Thanks for sharing with us mortals.....
ReplyDelete