Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The Fix Was In !

Darling readers, I have something to talk to you about which may shock you. No, I'm not referring to Mama Zen's lesbian experimentation while attending Bryn Mawr in the 80s. Curve magazine has pretty much covered that, don't you agree?

Let me begin with a confession: I have been dabbling with watching NFL football. I know, you thought I was better than that. I'm sorry. But, here in Detroit we have certain traditions: big American cars, Thanksgiving Day football games, blight, corruption, and losing. So, every Thanksgiving,  I watch the Lions out of a sense of civic duty. Then I go back to compiling collections of haiku. 

However, this year, the Lions won. I think it did something to my brain. In any event, I kept watching. I watched as they rolled to mighty victories over a series of dispirited also-rans, and I watched as they lost a game at Green Bay for the division title. (Why is there a team in Green Bay? Where the hell IS Green Bay?) Ever the lady, I made no unkind remark about announcer Joe Buck's absurd green and yellow knee pads. Further, I admired how he was able to call the entire game despite keeping Aaron Rodgers' long bomb in his mouth the whole time. Linda Lovelace was nothing but an amateur. 

But I digress.

What I want to tell you about is the game after that. The playoff game (!) between our beloved Lions and the host Dallas Cowboys, whose fans are mostly a backward, inbred group who vote almost exclusively Republican. Indeed, New Jersey governor Chris Christie was there, jumping up and down like ten Tom Cruises, and bro hugging anyone who wasn't nailed down. I should have realized right then that things would not be on the up and up.

The Lions built a 20-7 lead. They could have won. They should have won. But some funny things happened on the way to the next round. Fishy things.

With Detroit needing a first down to keep possession and put away the ridiculous Cowboys, a fine young man named Mathew Stafford stepped back to pass. Up went the ball, hurtling toward its intended target. But then, a Cowboys defender leaped upon and climbed the Detroit receiver like a Family Values congressman on a Bangkok whore. This miscreant pulled the receiver's underwear up over his head and then spun it around backwards like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Finally, he stuck a "kick me" sign on his back and tripped him. Quite rightly, the official threw a flag, signaling pass interference. The penalty was announced, the yardage marked off. But then, an official dressed entirely in Cowboys fan gear emerged from the stands and picked up the flag, mumbling something about "it wasn't that bad." He then awarded the Cowboys the ball, a hundred thousand dollars, and a Pulitzer Prize. Even Joe Buck's jaw dropped in astonishment. 

But that's not all! Last week at Green Bay (Come on...it's a made-up place, right?), Lions' star Nadonkeykong Suh dared to step on the precious, fragile, namby-pamby girly legs of Aaron Rogers. Joe Buck immediately fined him 70,000 dollars! But in the Cowboys game, Mr. Suh was tackled, relieved of his wallet, and dynamited into oblivion by a Cowboys' lineman, while the Dallas quarterback, sitting in an armchair, tossed a fourth down completion en route to a game-winning touchdown, and nothing was called at all

One last thing. Immediately following the final play, the offending referee was picked up by Chris Christie, driving a limousine with steer horns affixed the the hood. One would hope that the league would at least make some kind of pretense of fairness. That the referee's seeing eye dogs would not be wearing Dallas hoodies. Oh well. Call me bitter. At least there is one small comfort for me...

Now the Cowboys have to go to Green Bay, wherever the hell that is.   


TexWisGirl said...

i don't watch football at all, but this made me laugh. supposed to root for dallas. supposed to root for packers from my homeland. heck, i'll just root for the refs.

Cloudia said...

Yeah, a civic thing but dang if you aint a natural sports writer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALOHA from Honolulu

Sioux said...

I too have little interest in football, but this made me laugh.

I've seen those refs or umps or whatever they are in football. Some of them are not only blind, they're also deaf.

How do you have time to write with that four-legged cutie-patootie prancing around? ;)

hedgewitch said...

I *told* you they were cheaters! When they got the nickname, 'America's Team,' it should have tipped everyone off--I mean doesn't anyone remember BANK of America? And when your biggest fan--and I do mean biggest--is a governor who shut a bridge down because a mayor wouldn't endorse him or let his cronies build a multimillion dollar parking garage on imminent domain city land, you would think the penny would finally drop! Loved this, and stay away from Green Bay--I think it's a location invented by Steven King.

WAS said...

Thank you for softening the blow with poetic understatement. The truth is just too horrible to think about.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Well, now I know what I have been missing, never watching football. I especially liked the pulling of the underwear over the player's head...cool move!

Marcoantonio Arellano said...

hey ladies, i'm reading this and all your non-biased comments. as an ex-jockstrap wear'n dude, i just want to let you know that there is a 'Greenbay'. i went to that place where esoteric knowledge is stored and divvied up to those who have the like'n to it, St. Norbert's college in Depere, WI. which is next door or in football vernacular and or parlance, abuts Greenbay, WI

for you who care, i'm a Bear's football fan and reject the Dallas Cowboys given reference as America's team.

by the way, Shay, the picture and your well described reference to teletubby, Chris Christie as ten Tom Cruises jumping up and down was a perfect analogy. all of the east coast but more specifically New Jersey should be embarrassed by their candidate for President of these un-united states.

wonderful sports writing mi amiga. Stuart Scott would be very proud of you

Daryl said...

ok .. my favorite part of Christie's 'hug' fest was when he held up both arms/hands in a double giveme5 and WAS IGNORED .. he's an ass and frankly Texas can have him

Poet Laundry said...

I think Green Bay is that land of stinky cheese. Not all that stinks too, apparently.

Kenn Merchant said...

I've been rooting for Green Bay all this year because they really deserved to go to the Super Bowl. Also, being a New England fan, I would love to see a repeated Super Bowl battle royale between the Patriots and the Packers. Hopefully the Patriots will eat those cheese heads for dinner. I liked the Detroit Lions this year too, but they just weren't representing Super Bowl material this year.

Marion said...

LOL! My baby brother (who's 45) has been a hardcore Cowboys fan since birth and has taken tons of crap from his 3 older sisters for many moons. We're Saints fans. He's giving us total hell on Facebook, but we're secretly pulling for Dallas, too. If they win, maybe he'll shut the hell up. LOL! Thanks for the smiles. It's colder than a well digger's ass here in tropical Louisiana and we're just not used to it. 19 degrees tonight, I'll have 4 cats in bed with me. OY! xo

my heart's love songs said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! ha ha ha ha! ha!


can't help but love ya, Sis!

Margaret said...

Absolutely hysterical! I will read your sports analysis anyway.

Mama Zen said...

I watched the replay of the play in question several times. No blood, no visible weapons, no foul. Go Cowboys!