Thursday, July 9, 2015

My T Rex

The neighborhood association objects to my T Rex, whom I have named "Annie."
I am informed, via certified letter, that Annie violates the section of the bylaws concerning over-sized pets.
"She is a bird, really," I assure them at the next monthly meeting. "Nothing but an extremely large--and flightless--parakeet."
My assembled neighbors address me, exuberantly, as a "stupid cunt" and a "clueless bitch."

Forgive them.
They have never seen Annie, hurt and bewildered by their hostility, holding out her stubby arms to me, her large eyes certain of my wisdom and my intercession on her behalf.
The neighbors continue with their monikers and complaints.
They say that she sets off their car alarms when she walks.
They say that when she goes to their miserable little gardens in order to relieve herself, that they must then rent industrial equipment to clean up the mess.
They even claim--lying through their capped teeth--that she eats their dogs and cats, when in fact those pets have simply fled such intolerable households as theirs must surely be.

I named her "Annie" after the beautiful song of that name by John Denver.
Within her beats the heart of a poet, as big as an 18-wheeler.
Within her burns the courage and the power of a thousand Roman legions.
At a word from me, the subdivision would be leveled, and so it is really at my pleasure that they remain here, alive, domiciled, and calling me unpleasant names.
"But," I say, stroking Annie's huge nose and feeling the lovely furnace of her devoted breathing, "one can only suffer fools for so long, isn't that right, Lambchop?"

As bonded as we are, I can easily tell that Annie agrees, and I turn toward our tormentors to report this accord,
this finding,
this harmony of opinion,
but evidently I have not given the members of the neighborhood association enough credit;
they, too, can interpret her expression,
and wisely,
drop all complaints.

for Ella's Edge. I love T Rex!


TexWisGirl said...

too darn cute. sic 'em, annie!

Buddah Moskowitz said...

Best to be kind to everyone - one never knows what kind of Annies are lurking out there. La la mosk

Anonymous said...

O.M.G. I am laughing my ass off. Seriously. I cannot stop giggling ... hard, gut-deep, desk-shaking quiver-quakes of joy. This is big-time one of my favorites.

That motion picture of "Annie" at the top is priceless. Oh Lawd; there I go again with the giggles. Beating my head against the desk a little bit too. 'Bout ta spill mah hawt coffee. Girl~ you do me in.

Anonymous said...

Oh geez. I'm only halfway through my second read, and now I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying. Thank you for this. It absolutely made my day.

Anonymous said...

I just saw your "T-bff" label, and now I'm laughing so hard that I'm pretty certain the neighbors can hear me. I hope I don't injure myself.

Sanaa Rizvi said...

Loved this! Delightful read :D

Fireblossom said...

LOL, asterisk. Just take Annie to the association meeting and you can laugh up a storm. ;-)

hedgewitch said...

I hate Neighborhood Associations. They always want to get rid of the good stuff, and keep the freaking gnomes. I say Annie makes a much nicer garden ornament, and she keeps down those nasty racoons. Love the stanza about her peering at you with her little arms held out imploringly...

Ella said...

I love that song and how you took something people would fear and made it lovable~

I, too hate neighborhood associations. We made sure when we bought our home-they didn't have one. Control, control, control...bleck!

I am enchanted with your poem and how much talent breathes through your words~

Anonymous said...

It's a flower. :)

And I would NEVER go to one of those meetings. I wouldn't be allowed inside. I think you know that.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

How do you do it, think up these marvelous situations? I love Annie, would take her over a million neighbors, I can SEE her bewildered eyes looking at you, who understands her beauty, trying to figure out what is WRONG with those people, that they dont like her. Loved this. GREAT vidclip too, way cool and hilarious.

mac said...

I once lived with a dog named Annie. She wasn't at all ferocious or intimidating, like a T-Rex.No, she was rather frail, and, dare I say, kind of puny.

I miss Annie, or, as she preferred to be addressed, Miss Rexic.

Outlawyer said...

Super charming. I don't know about neighborhood associations but have had to work with NY City co-ops! They definitely deserve an Annie who is not on Broadway. You always bring a great humanity to your work. Thanks. k.

Cloudia said...

I love playing in your brain!


Kerry O'Connor said...

The skipping T-Rex looks so happy!
As for me, I have no time for intolerable neighbours. This is so funny - great satirical view of suburbia.

Shadow said...

I am NOT going to argue with someone or something that is larger than me, period.

brudberg said...

Ha.. I would say that the neighborhood wizened up pretty quickly. It only takes a stare from such a little cutie-pie. Your imagination is impressive.

Mama Zen said...

You know I love this!

Margaret said...

Those damn HOA's. Where can I get an Annie? My little Yorkie just doesn't have the same effect.

Sioux said...

A pet T Tex AND John Denver in the same post? Wow.

Lolamouse said...

HOAs are a bane! I think Annie would be a wonderful addition to any neighborhood! (Don't eat my little pups, though, please!)

Gail said...

What a delightful tale.

Love Annie's Song too.

C.C. said...

Charming tale....your imagination knows no bounds!!