Free House Hunter's Guide from Herb West's Second Chance Realty!

1.When buying a new house, do not search via Ouija board.

2. A reputable realtor is key. Avoid any who keep a muddy shovel in the corner of their office. Notice his/her attire. Plague masks or hooded black robes are red flags.

3. Ask about pets. Some homes come with pets included, but inspect cupboards and attics for them before deciding.

4. Landscaping is important. Is the yard tidy and pleasant? Things such as grave stones, bright green industrial by-product bubbling up, or yellow crime tape are hints that the property has not been well maintained. 

5. How many bathrooms are there? Are there bathrooms at all? While outbuildings may lend a certain retro charm, how will you feel about it on a cold winter morning? Inspect indoor pipes and fixtures, if any, for gaping holes, flaking rust, or evidence that thieves have removed the copper. This can be ascertained by examining walls for smashed plaster, large missing sections, and graffiti. These are subtle signs of future trouble.

6. Is the house original, or have additions been added? Is there a mother-in-law apartment, and is someone's mother-in-law currently residing there? Do you think you could get along with her, or is she a total bitch? Would you want to have to bother with bricking or boarding her in? Very few new home buyers consider the inconvenience of police investigations and felony charges while still trying to settle in.

7. Is the exterior protected with aluminum or vinyl siding? Are there gaps where large birds have built elaborate nests? Are there apertures for archers or cannon? Are chimneys constructed of sturdy brick, or hastily applied papier mache? You'll want to know, before closing on a house. 

8. Finally, you know the old maxim: Location, location, location!!! Is the house near, or built on, a bog or nuclear waste dump? (Remember, the only glow you should have is that of a proud new home owner!) Is the house part of a military target range? Inquire as to their hours, national affiliation, and size of ordnance before moving in. You'll be glad you did! Also, check to make sure the property is not being used as a large cat sanctuary, winter grounds for carnies, or as a headquarters for an illegal religious cult.

Happy house hunting! My name is Mitzy MacIntosh, and I'd be delighted to help you find the home of your dreams! Just call Herb West's Second Chance Realty and ask for Mitzy!

_________

for The Sunday Muse #179. 

This Morning At Danny's Coffee Shop

A well-dressed bird talks on a cell phone. We only hear one side of the convo.

"Take the long view," advises the bird.

"Okay...just give me the nut of the problem." 

"They'll need seed money..."

"Piggy bank, nest egg...whatever..."

"Take a flyer? No...they'll take a bath."

"Yep, same old song. Bye, Robin."
________

A Friday 55 for my BFF at Verse Escape blog.

Today's birbs:

The Next Voice You Hear

Poster,
please stick to relevant things--
the throes of nature,
the hilarious pratfalls of modern love, or
figures of worship in their august magnificence.

Stop this foolishness about hair styles,
haiku,
and what your husband does in his garage--
the world is filled with such horrors already.

Commune with your higher self,
fast, clear your mind and physical body,
then return to us and to your postings.

Tell us about your ex-convict grandfather
and the spotlight he keeps in the attic.
Give us stuff that works at the box office,
such as your journey from Jenny Craig to heroin and cult religion.

Reveal to us your unabashed embrace
of outre philosophies garnered from the complex and authentic human being you met at the bus stop.

In summary, cut the crap and give us
your True Self
in all of her shadows and lights.
Give us the hagiographic treatment, 
the old college try,
Pose for a picture holding a French visa open to show your patronymic name.

Otherwise, we unsubscribe
and banish you to a wilderness where only dumb animals and cosplay Vikings can survive in the late-winter rot of your usual content.

Regards,

MichiganSally52
________

from a word list for post #3 of my 39 in 39 days.

In Case Of Typhoon

"Lion Afternoon" by Jacek Yerka

In the event of typhoon, 
hurricane,
sandstorm
or other natural upheaval,

the gathering of certain objects and creatures is advised.
Clocks, for their numerical appeal and sense of order;
flowers in vases whose delicacy illustrates contrast;
and lions, generally useful in all situations.

When traveling by public transport, always be sure
that you have fed your lion beforehand. 
Consult with drivers before installing fountains, saplings,
or other decorative additions.

When hosting relatives, serve ham w/ pineapple;
if a lover, light cakes or honey tea.
When arriving as a guest, be sure to bring your own seating and lion,
as your hosts may lack these essentials.

Finally, treat typhoons, tornadoes, landslides and such as equals--
talking down to them or shouting does no good.
Invite lions into your home.
Serve hors d'oeuvres made from antelope or cape buffalo.

Follow these simple instructions and avoid high winds,
use bus and train systems without worry,
and assure yourself of being welcome in the best venues
in tandem with a lion who neither owns you nor is owned.
________

for Sunday Muse #69. Carrie kindly stepped in for me with this fantastic image, because, like a blithering fool, I simply forgot I was supposed to do the post today!

Here Comes Some Bitch

Here comes some bitch up to your door
over to your table
knee-walking across the goddamned bed
to tell you she's sleeping with your honey and there's nothing you can do.

Here comes some lunatic with bad hair 
who's got nukes but no sense
no filter
no off switch and by the way slept with your honey, too.

The first thing I'd advise is--don't panic.
Most things can be solved by litigation or homicide,
and those that can't can usually be put out of mind with intoxicants.

Then again, maybe you've been through all that,
teeth gone, hair gray, with a thousand cats on the davenport.
Maybe you pitched that bitch out the window,
the upstairs window, and never felt so good about anything before in your life. 

Good for you, Toots. Bitches love free flying lessons.
______

 

Alternatives To Seafaring

I've got a bed like a half shell soft,
and a comb for a hundred strokes;
a parrot who speaks like a tony duke
with a holder for his smokes.

There's a vine on the railing and rose in a jar
that floats in my mermaid's pool;
drop your duffel and come to mother--
be a sailor but not a fool.
_______

The earliest poem I can remember being truly fascinated by was Longfellow's "The Wreck of the Hesperus", which my father read to me because he thought I might like it. I did, and would periodically beg him to read it again. He did, bless him, he did, and so I offer this poem with its sound advice to stay the hell off of sailing ships!

For "What sparked your poetic heart?" at Real Toads