Giuseppe Verdi, Victorious

Tanya quits the chain coffee shop;

Just gives 'em the yo heave ho, collects Giuseppe Verdi the kitten, and walks out,

Strutting like Catherine the Great, or Lady Gaga or somebody.



She finds God.

God is head waitress at Danny's Coffee Shop.

She makes killer menu boards,

And does all the hiring.

In no time, Tanya fits in like Portia de Rossi does on Ellen's arm,

And Giuseppe Verdi is merrily attacking the resident black panther,

Who outweighs him by about umpty-zillion to one.



Giuseppe Verdi bats at the panther,

Who is,

Of course,

The shape-shifted Queen of the Vampires,

And down she goes like a ton of bricks.

She lays on the floor with her paws in the air and her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth;

If she could make her eyes into X's, she would.

Chloe scoops up the victorious kitten, kisses him and sets him inside an empty sugar bowl,

Which promptly falls over.



Some chick catches it before it falls off the table.

She is here for open mic night.

Her name is Coal Black, and her big hit is called "Sugar Shock Of Love."

She doesn't do drugs anymore.

Her hair is all weird.

She wears so much mascara that she looks like an electrocuted raccoon.



The Queen of the Vampires, still in panther form, is sitting with her favorite, the Dark-Haired Chick.

When Coal Black straps on her guitar, checks the amps, and starts in with the first notes of "I Love Rock 'n' Roll",

The QOTV drags the reluctant Dark-Haired Chick up to the stage by her jacket sleeve,

Pulling her backwards with her teeth.

Being dragged anyplace by a black panther is very persuasive stuff.



Coal Black and the Dark-Haired Chick share a mic and scream Coal Black's newest song, "Buzz Saw My Heart" together.

Sing.

I meant sing.



Giuseppe Verdi sits on the QOTV's head, watching with his big amazed eyes.

Tanya rakes in the tips.

Savanna still has a knife in her boot.

It's another spifftastic night at Danny's Coffee Shop.

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picture: Crystal Renn

Polar Expedition, 1897

Andree's pole-bound balloon met with a bad fate;
Ice formed on the skin, it went down from the weight.

Curious polar bears
Fearless and bright
Paid for curiosity
By rifle and sight

Andree and his crew, with their numb, frozen feet
Died of trichinosis from contaminated meat.

Curious explorers
To this wasteland repair
To die of curiosity
Same as the bear.

______________

for One Shoot Sunday.

This is a true story.

_______________

Dr. Phil vs The Martians

Dr. Phil's dome reflects back radio waves from an orbiting Martian space ship;

Due to atmospheric distortion, the Martians believe they are being unkindly mocked.

"Czar of Mars" comes back sounding like "Czar schmar"

And so they send a vaporizing beam at what they feel certain must be a Venutian spy.

Dr. Phil, right in the middle of leaning forward, pointing his finger at a guest, and saying,

"Where I come from, we didn't have any trang sexuralls. A man was a man and a--"

FOOM!!!!

Dangit. No more Dr. Phil.

The audience gasps.

His invited expert retracts her fangs in surprise and drops her promotional copy of her latest book,

"Stop Being A Fuckhead Today! (With Maryanne!)"

It immediately bursts into flames.

Only the trang sexurall says, "Poor Dr. Phil"

While the trang sexurall's mother, seated beside her, weeps.

"Dr. Phil was my last hope!" she wails. "The last chance for my son to get right and become a Navy Seal/long haul trucker like his Dad!"

The Martians vaporize her, too, just because she is annoying.



Dr. Phil, or his spirit, hits the ground running through the Underworld with his trophy wife on his arm.

Flames lick at them.

Brimstone fills the air.

All the hapless fucks he has lectured or set up to be laughed at over the years poke him with pitchforks.

"AAIEEE!" screams Dr. Phil.



In Hell, Dr. Phil meets Hitler, Anita Bryant, Harry Chapin, and the entire Texas Longhorns football team.

Harry Chapin keeps strumming a burning acoustic guitar and singing heartfelt story-songs;

The denizens of Hell wail and gnash their teeth.

However, the Martians use a tracto-beam to pluck Harry Chapin out of everlasting suffering

Because they kind of liked "Taxi".



Returned to Earth, life, and the same old crappy hair he had before,

Harry Chapin takes over the Dr. Phil show.

Guests say, "My child is promiscuous and takes drugs!"

Harry Chapin says, "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon..."

Guests say, "I am anorexic" (or a kleptomaniac, or a serial killer, or a born-again Christian)

And Harry Chapin says, "I am the morning deejay at double-you oh ell deeeeeee!"

Ratings plummet.

Advertisers withdraw.

The show is canceled.

Furious Martians land on Earth.

Their Czar goes on the Oprah show and they weep together.

Rachel Rae feeds them all on forty dollars or less.

Dr. Phil is dead,

And the world is saved by Martians, Oprah and chocolate cake.

Kewl.

______

The Disinvited

You got rid of your dog,

The one your good guy husband adored...

Because it might have germs on its ass

When it sits on the carpet

Where the kids play.

My dog sleeps with me,

Licks my face,

Eats my plate...

So gross!

Oh, by the way,

Your kids cannot catch my queerness...

Pinkie promise, Princess.

__________

picture: Alexz Johnson. If there were any justice in the world at all, I would look exactly like her. ;-)

The Resentful Chicken

The Resentful Chicken feels resentful, and so joins the Tea Party.

"Things are not as they were, in the golden days when I was young, with bits of egg shell still wet upon my feathers.

Then, the sun shone brightly across the barnyard,

And there were no Rhode Islands or Leghorns crowding me off my nest."

Following a resentful pause, the Resentful Chicken continues:

"The Farmer interferes with my life and takes my eggs away to sell to Bob Evans and McDonalds. My children end up in McMuffins."

The Resentful Chicken's eyes flash like fire.

Oh all right, like little pen lights, then.

"I did not lay them so that they could end up on a value menu in Topeka.

I'm not 'loving it'. I'm mad as hell!"

The Resentful Chicken flaps around on the ground a bit, then goes on.

"I don't like the Farmer.

His overalls are not Oshkosh. He has hair in his ears.

He treats us all like machines, lined up in a row, as if we had no interior lives!"

In fact, the Resentful Chicken does have an interior life.

It is filled with seething resentment.

The Resentful Chicken wants to see the barnyard return to conservative values.

No hens with hens. No roosters with roosters.

Back to the days when the Farmer looked like Walter Brennan and Timmy and Lassie played in the shade of the elm over by the farm house,

Rescuing dumb city folk from commies when the need arose.

The Resentful Chicken grows pensive.

"The Big Rooster will put a stop to all of this. 'Thou shalt not spilleth thy seed upon the ground', so sayeth the First Fowl!"

But, alas, the Big Rooster is no place to be seen when Col. Sanders buys the Resentful Chicken.

Cut up, rolled in flour and fried, the Resentful Chicken ends up both kicking the bucket and riding inside of one.

"Give me some chicken," says Enrique.

"Madre Dios," says Guadalupe. "It tastes funny."

Enrique tries some, and agrees, it tastes really weird.

They take it back to KFC.

"What's wrong with it?" asks the manager.

"It tastes.....

Well, it tastes....."

Enrique and Guadalupe look at each other.

"...resentful. That's it. It tastes resentful."

They get their money back for the fucked-up chicken and go home.

__________

for magpie 39

Satisfaction

The Queen of the Vampires slips between buildings in the night--

She glides like a dark idea you won't admit to...

She is hungry

She is not exactly human

She is there, in the shadows, waiting.



The stars over Norman are exactly seven more than normal--

They are scattered like bubbles in the blood upon seeing one's beloved,

They can stop a heart

Or start one.

The QOTV is a needful girl tonight,

Her nature demanding,

Yet completely familiar,

Like a pet that bites.



Here comes someone.

Here comes someone down the sidewalk, like a drop of blood down the skin of a throat...

Here comes a warm living soul.

Jackpot.



The QOTV feels each muscle tense and relax in the ancient dance--

She feels half primed already, just from anticipation.

The walker draws close, like an omen of the end time,

And the QOTV steps out from her place of concealment,

A smooth soft blur;

She is on her like her next breath,

For the walker is definitely female.



The QOTV goes for the throat,

Bitch to her natural desires, unthinking, an embodied rush of need.

The woman laughs,

Then doesn't,

As they sway into a corner together.

"Baby," she manages between kisses.

The QOTV only makes purring sounds that say,

"I missed you

Only you

Out of this whole goddam world."

Blood can be gotten elsewhere, from anyone--

Right now, the QOTV is all about the Dark-Haired Chick, for that is who it is;

And who is the prey,

And where solid ground has gone

Is anybody's guess.

_______

for One Shot Wednesday

Why are you still here??????? :-)

Some of you know I have a Weasel-Friend, La Belette Rouge, who writes the spifftacular blog of the same name. But what you probably do not know is that today is her dog Lily's second barkday, er, birthday, and LBR has made the cutest video of all time in order to celebrate. If you like dogs, and you like good music to dance to, you MUST go see Lily's video and help her celebrate. You will find it HERE.

Meanwhile, if you've come to read my poetry, bless you. I posted over the weekend, so if you missed it, just go to the previous post, or visit today's featured oldie, a travel guide to Estrogenia written by your intrepid girl reporter, me. Mama Zen bought the Camaro, as if we couldn't have guessed. ;-)  But Lily is really more interesting than my, um, "doggerel", lol.

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