Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Resentful Chicken



The Resentful Chicken feels resentful, and so joins the Tea Party.

"Things are not as they were, in the golden days when I was young, with bits of egg shell still wet upon my feathers.

Then, the sun shone brightly across the barnyard,

And there were no Rhode Islands or Leghorns crowding me off my nest."


Following a resentful pause, the Resentful Chicken continues:

"The Farmer interferes with my life and takes my eggs away to sell to Bob Evans and McDonalds. My children end up in McMuffins."

The Resentful Chicken's eyes flash like fire.

Oh all right, like little pen lights, then.

"I did not lay them so that they could end up on a value menu in Topeka.

I'm not 'loving it'. I'm mad as hell!"

The Resentful Chicken flaps around on the ground a bit, then goes on.


"I don't like the Farmer.

His overalls are not Oshkosh. He has hair in his ears.

He treats us all like machines, lined up in a row, as if we had no interior lives!"

In fact, the Resentful Chicken does have an interior life.

It is filled with seething resentment.


The Resentful Chicken wants to see the barnyard return to conservative values.

No hens with hens. No roosters with roosters.

Back to the days when the Farmer looked like Walter Brennan and Timmy and Lassie played in the shade of the elm over by the farm house,

Rescuing dumb city folk from commies when the need arose.

The Resentful Chicken grows pensive.

"The Big Rooster will put a stop to all of this. 'Thou shalt not spilleth thy seed upon the ground', so sayeth the First Fowl!"


But, alas, the Big Rooster is no place to be seen when Col. Sanders buys the Resentful Chicken.

Cut up, rolled in flour and fried, the Resentful Chicken ends up both kicking the bucket and riding inside of one.

"Give me some chicken," says Enrique.

"Madre Dios," says Guadalupe. "It tastes funny."

Enrique tries some, and agrees, it tastes really weird.

They take it back to KFC.

"What's wrong with it?" asks the manager.

"It tastes.....

Well, it tastes....."

Enrique and Guadalupe look at each other.

"...resentful. That's it. It tastes resentful."

They get their money back for the fucked-up chicken and go home.

__________



for magpie 39

35 comments:

Helen said...

Could this be funnier? NO! Or more perfectly composed? NO! Or more timely? NO! Great Magpie.

Shadow said...

this bloody chicken is awfully popular in blogland today....

but i gotta love your story!

kaykuala said...

Pensive chicken. How not to be resentful. You brilliantly covered all there are to chickens.

Carrie Burtt said...

Birdbrains of the world unite....i love that line....love your chicken tale Shay! :-)

hedgewitch said...

Literally spewed coffee out the nose on this one. You've encapsulated all my post-election angst and put it in a fowl but less foul perspective, for which I thank you.

"The chicken does have an interior life. It is filled with seething resentment." Says it all.

Lynn said...

Good for the resentful chicken! What an awful ending - to end up in a bucket. :)

Daryl said...

Have I told you lately how much I love your mind?

Hannah Stephenson said...

My husband and I are both vegetarians. When I was 6 I saw a PETA video of chickens...that did it for me. My husband watched a video on KFC in college, and that did it for him.

I really liked this piece!

TALON said...

I just took chicken off my dinner menu...

This was inspired, Shay!

Suz said...

ha ha I know how you voted

Shari Sunday said...

You always make me laugh. Is it OK to say fucked up chicken in blog land? Kind of fun.

La Belette Rouge said...

Hilarious!! I wish Rachel Maddow would find this post. It is BRILLIANT. You are brilliant. LOVE it!!!
xoxo
Weasel-friend
p.s. I am eating fish for dinner.

willow said...

"My children end up in McMuffins"...heehee. This was great. Perfect for election week.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

This is so hilariously wonderful and it eased some of my own inner angst........I cant help being resentful of how well you write though :)(just kidding, I so love the way you write!) LOVED this chicken. She and I could have a good heart to heart!!!!! Flashing our little penlight eyes. I cant believe you keep coming up with these amazingly wonderful off the wall ideas..........each one a "jackpot!"

Mama Zen said...

"So sayeth the First Fowl!"

That's freaking hilarious! I'm going to work that into conversation today. Oh, yes I am!

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

I am dying over here...kicking the bucket and riding inside..why I oughta!

Jannie Funster said...

Every rooster sperm is sacred.
Every rooster sperm is good.
Every rooster sperm is needed.
In your neighborhood.

Every rooster sperm is wonderful.
Every rooster sperm is great.
Every rooster sperm that's wasted.
Makes Bob Evans quite irate.

Who ever Bob Evans is.

MaDonalds SUCKS. So much.

But I'm seeing some new Panda Expresses around town, gonna give one a whirl.

xo

Scarlet Ily said...

That's the best ending I've read to a story in a long time! We need to turn this one into a children's picture book (for children of vegetarian parents!). :)

My favorite line..."I did not lay them so that they could end up on a value menu in Topeka." Sounds like something my mother would say about us if my brother and I were chickens!

christine said...

Just shows no matter how magnificent a cockeral looks, it will end up on someones menu one day! Nice writing.

dana said...

So, no matter the truth of the matter, the one crowing the loudest gets himself in hot oil every time.

signed...bkm said...

Resentful Chickens...pumped with hormones...fried in vegatable oil as if that makes them sacred...do not eat KFC...he is to scary looking... Great write Shay..bkm

Kristen Haskell said...

Oh shit (sorry for the language) but I am laughing so hard that there are tears running down face and it is taking me 15 minutes to write this response. OMG that was great!

mac said...

Girl, Ah say, Ah say, Girl. Whyyy do you do me like you do do do?

SW said...

So freakin' funny I was crowing as I read.....teee heee

Reflections said...

The comedic flair to this piece is great! love it.

Lane Savant said...

Good one, funny, politically relevant, socially aware.
Had some chicken for dinner, tasted like a subtle blend of eleven herbs and spices.

Lisa said...

I LOVE this piece, hilarious.

"My children end up in McMuffins". Did alot of laughing out loud :D

Feeling guilty about eating KFC for dinner tonight. Was just saying to child #3 today that I would be a vegetarian if I wasn't so freaking lazy...but now am doing a re-think. Plus dinner did taste weird...

Love how your mind works :)

Jinksy said...

Yay! Let's hear it for the chickens! Masterful take on the prompt!

Tumblewords: said...

Ohmigod, this has to be the best thing I've seen recently. Timely, it is and truthful humor. Too funny!

razzamadazzle said...

Wow! What a perfect political/social commentary from a chicken.

Teresa

gabrielle said...

Clucking hilarious! Just wish we didn’t share the barnyard with a brood of resentful chickens...

Brian Miller said...

dang shay...killing me...but if i do go, please no trip to the deep frier...

Caty said...

this was so comical. thanks for the insight to the poor chicken. We complain about how our lives have changed...what about the poor chickens? thanks for the laugh this morning.

OJ Gonzalez-Cazares said...

"the Resentful Chicken ends up both kicking the bucket and riding inside of one" - clever line! love the end - resentful taste...we are what we feel, uh??

Myrna R. said...

Such clever writing. I love it. Great mix of political/social commentary and funny too. You did a great job.