Dr. Phil vs The Martians

Dr. Phil's dome reflects back radio waves from an orbiting Martian space ship;

Due to atmospheric distortion, the Martians believe they are being unkindly mocked.

"Czar of Mars" comes back sounding like "Czar schmar"

And so they send a vaporizing beam at what they feel certain must be a Venutian spy.

Dr. Phil, right in the middle of leaning forward, pointing his finger at a guest, and saying,

"Where I come from, we didn't have any trang sexuralls. A man was a man and a--"

FOOM!!!!

Dangit. No more Dr. Phil.

The audience gasps.

His invited expert retracts her fangs in surprise and drops her promotional copy of her latest book,

"Stop Being A Fuckhead Today! (With Maryanne!)"

It immediately bursts into flames.

Only the trang sexurall says, "Poor Dr. Phil"

While the trang sexurall's mother, seated beside her, weeps.

"Dr. Phil was my last hope!" she wails. "The last chance for my son to get right and become a Navy Seal/long haul trucker like his Dad!"

The Martians vaporize her, too, just because she is annoying.



Dr. Phil, or his spirit, hits the ground running through the Underworld with his trophy wife on his arm.

Flames lick at them.

Brimstone fills the air.

All the hapless fucks he has lectured or set up to be laughed at over the years poke him with pitchforks.

"AAIEEE!" screams Dr. Phil.



In Hell, Dr. Phil meets Hitler, Anita Bryant, Harry Chapin, and the entire Texas Longhorns football team.

Harry Chapin keeps strumming a burning acoustic guitar and singing heartfelt story-songs;

The denizens of Hell wail and gnash their teeth.

However, the Martians use a tracto-beam to pluck Harry Chapin out of everlasting suffering

Because they kind of liked "Taxi".



Returned to Earth, life, and the same old crappy hair he had before,

Harry Chapin takes over the Dr. Phil show.

Guests say, "My child is promiscuous and takes drugs!"

Harry Chapin says, "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon..."

Guests say, "I am anorexic" (or a kleptomaniac, or a serial killer, or a born-again Christian)

And Harry Chapin says, "I am the morning deejay at double-you oh ell deeeeeee!"

Ratings plummet.

Advertisers withdraw.

The show is canceled.

Furious Martians land on Earth.

Their Czar goes on the Oprah show and they weep together.

Rachel Rae feeds them all on forty dollars or less.

Dr. Phil is dead,

And the world is saved by Martians, Oprah and chocolate cake.

Kewl.

______