Dr. Phil vs The Martians

Dr. Phil's dome reflects back radio waves from an orbiting Martian space ship;

Due to atmospheric distortion, the Martians believe they are being unkindly mocked.

"Czar of Mars" comes back sounding like "Czar schmar"

And so they send a vaporizing beam at what they feel certain must be a Venutian spy.

Dr. Phil, right in the middle of leaning forward, pointing his finger at a guest, and saying,

"Where I come from, we didn't have any trang sexuralls. A man was a man and a--"


Dangit. No more Dr. Phil.

The audience gasps.

His invited expert retracts her fangs in surprise and drops her promotional copy of her latest book,

"Stop Being A Fuckhead Today! (With Maryanne!)"

It immediately bursts into flames.

Only the trang sexurall says, "Poor Dr. Phil"

While the trang sexurall's mother, seated beside her, weeps.

"Dr. Phil was my last hope!" she wails. "The last chance for my son to get right and become a Navy Seal/long haul trucker like his Dad!"

The Martians vaporize her, too, just because she is annoying.

Dr. Phil, or his spirit, hits the ground running through the Underworld with his trophy wife on his arm.

Flames lick at them.

Brimstone fills the air.

All the hapless fucks he has lectured or set up to be laughed at over the years poke him with pitchforks.

"AAIEEE!" screams Dr. Phil.

In Hell, Dr. Phil meets Hitler, Anita Bryant, Harry Chapin, and the entire Texas Longhorns football team.

Harry Chapin keeps strumming a burning acoustic guitar and singing heartfelt story-songs;

The denizens of Hell wail and gnash their teeth.

However, the Martians use a tracto-beam to pluck Harry Chapin out of everlasting suffering

Because they kind of liked "Taxi".

Returned to Earth, life, and the same old crappy hair he had before,

Harry Chapin takes over the Dr. Phil show.

Guests say, "My child is promiscuous and takes drugs!"

Harry Chapin says, "The cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon..."

Guests say, "I am anorexic" (or a kleptomaniac, or a serial killer, or a born-again Christian)

And Harry Chapin says, "I am the morning deejay at double-you oh ell deeeeeee!"

Ratings plummet.

Advertisers withdraw.

The show is canceled.

Furious Martians land on Earth.

Their Czar goes on the Oprah show and they weep together.

Rachel Rae feeds them all on forty dollars or less.

Dr. Phil is dead,

And the world is saved by Martians, Oprah and chocolate cake.




Kay said…
ha! poor Dr Phil.... the road to success is so critical...

you're a riot!
hedgewitch said…
"In Hell, Dr. Phil meets Hitler, Anita Bryant, Harry Chapin, and the entire Texas Longhorns football team."

Where was that OK House Rep, the Shirley lady, who thinks gays are worse than terrorists? I know she has to be there somewhere...

Thanks for making my morning.
Caty said…
the martians vaporize her too just because she is annoying...lol. Your stories and imagination crack me up!
Sherry Blue Sky said…
This time you have really done it. Who knew baldness was so dangerous. And isnt being bald already being in hell anyway? hee hee. I most especially love the Kewl. You are the funniest person on the planet. You should be reading these somewhere at large gatherings. I wish you could read it on the Dr Phil show. SO freaking funny!
Fireblossom said…
Yes, Hedgewitch m'dear, a special place in hell is being saved for Sally Kern. ;-)
Susannah said…
LOL - love it, love it, love it!
You are brilliant. :-))
TALON said…
lol! Honestly, Shay, you're something else (and I mean that in a most awesome something else way) :)
Lynn said…
Oh my - you have the best imagination of anyone I know.
Unknown said…
Anita Bryant is dead?

Wow..the more you know...
Thanks Shay!

Dr Phil in Hell..heh
if only ( sighs)

Dear Tiger-friend: I know I have before declared my love for you but now i LOVE you. As a therapist I hate the flip, non-therapy, exploitation and easy answers that Dr. Phil_bIlly offers. If I could, I would charge patients extra if they made me listen to Dr. Hill-Billy quotes. This my friend, is a BRILLIANT post!!xoxoxo
mac said…
I hope I don't go bald and get zapped into Hell with Dr Phil.

As for the Dr? It coudn't have happened to a nicer guy ;-)
Ileana said…
I hope Dr. Phil reads this and repents before it's too late. Very well expressed, my friend. I know where this is coming from.
Brian Miller said…
i just knew oprah was special...and martians have interesting probes...
Lisa said…
I love coming home from work and reading your blog :D This one was an extra special treat :) Thanks!
Lisa said…
I love coming home from work and reading your blog :D This one was an extra special treat :) Thanks!
Daryl said…
Rachel Rae .. she belongs in hell along with her shrill annoying love of everything ..
Mama Zen said…
Is there room for the Texas Aggies football team, too?
Cloudia said…
Aloha from Waikiki :)

Comfort Spiral



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