Thursday, October 8, 2009


God messes up and creates Cleopatra two feet tall.

"Dude," complains Cleopatra.

"I'm the Queen of Egypt.

Men are supposed to go weak-kneed in my presence.

And I'm a midget. Hello?"

Cleopatra sets her jaw in a way that says I Can't Believe I Am Having To Explain This, and continues.

"Marc Antony walked in and asked me if my mother was home."

Her voice rises.

"I'm supposed to be Queen of the Nile and I can't even get on the rides at Six Flags or Cedar Point!"

Cleopatra flips her black hair, crosses her arms and goes silent.

Her entire aspect says, "What the fuck?"

"My child," begins God.

"Oh fuck, fuckety fuck fuck FUCK!" says Cleopatra, stomping her feet and flailing her fists with her eyes shut tight, looking like a two foot tall stick of dynamite.

"All right then," amends God. "Dude..."

One Royal eye opens.

(Now, you might not know this, but God can handle being called out.

She likes a challenge, and that is exactly the reason She has created some three billion females and filled the earth with them.

Males She tossed in later to tweak the women and keep things agitated.)

"...I'll fix it."

And so it comes to pass that Cleopatra grows three feet and four inches in a single summer, nearly all of it legs.

Marc Antony stops asking for her mother.

In fact, he finds it difficult to speak at all.

"Oh put your eyes back in your head," chirps the Queen.

Egypt becomes great.

CBS announces the premier of "CSI:Cairo."

Cleopatra hangs out on the beach with a mojito and listens to her mp3 player.

God says, "Sweet, right?"

Cleopatra tips her sunglasses up onto her shining black hair and smiles that smile that makes Marc Antony walk into walls.

"Dude! I feel ya!"

Photo: actress and celebrated beauty Lily Langtry "The Jersey Lily" as Cleopatra.


Cloudia said...

Gawsh, this is great on so many levels!
Forget Diablo Cody...Shay comin` through, Dude!

Aloha, Sistah

Comfort Spiral

Fireblossom said...

Diablo Cody! If you keep saying stuff like that to me, Cloudia, my head will get so big that I will have to go stick it in the freezer just to take it down a size or two!

Glad you liked! :-)

Dulce said...

Wow Woman Shay you are yourself a queen . I love this transformation... you write thoroughly! and can make myself laugh
Thank you sweetie... ;)

ellen abbott said...

I liked this one a lot.

Daryl said...

Way cool, dude ..

Riot Kitty said...

Did you write this for me? ;P

Anonymous said...

Sometimes a girl just has to drop a few f bombs.

Lust With Wings said...

I read this at such a synchronous moment, it just fit hilariously into the day I am having. Too long to explain... thank you

spottedwolf said...

Ahem....this could be the script for a film festival production...t'woud a merry comedy make, to be sure..... Amen

"Males She tossed in later to tweak the women and keep things agitated.)"


T said...

Love Love Love this!! And with one of my newest most favorite words!!!

This was really excellent My friend!


Mama Zen said...

CSI: Cairo. Perfect.

Kay said...

haha i believe we share the same existence :)