Reanimated Lavender Granola Switchblade Nun rides again.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Blackberry Way

"YEAH JAKE? LISTEN, MAN, I'M AT SOME COFFEE PLACE...YEAH..." he shouts into his little plastic phone.

"I'LL BE THERE BY SEVEN. YEAH," he screams. He is planted just inside the doorway at Danny's Coffee Shop, so that people have to go around him.

"IT'S ON A DISC. IT'S ON A DISC IN MY OFFICE," he booms. He has a briefcase in his hand. "I'LL GO OVER THAT, AND--"

A black panther streaks through the air and hits Jabberjaws like a furry, fanged wrecking ball;

For the first time in weeks, man, phone, and briefcase are separated, with all of the violence that major life changes are known to bring.

She sinks her teeth into his throat, and as his fingers twitch and the white collar of his hokey, otherwise blue, businessman's shirt is stained red,

The Queen of the Vampires returns to her charming natural form as she subtracts Mini-Trump from the world of the living.

Denise, the waitress, looks up from filling the napkin holders and warns, "Don't leave a mess on my floor, or you're cleaning it up, Toots."

Only at Danny's does anyone call the Queen of the Vampires "Toots."

The QOTV looks up.

"Go like this," says Denise, and the QOTV realizes she has breakfast on her cheek.

"I was saving some for later."

"You're such a spaz."

The QOTV ducks into the ladies' room to fix her face.

After a splash, and a pat-down with a paper towel, she re-does her lipstick and looks up to check it.

There is, of course, nothing in the mirror but the reflection of the stalls behind her.

"Goddammit," mutters the QOTV.

There is giggling from Chloe at the next sink, where she has been messing with her hair.

"Maybe you need glasses," she suggests, not even bothering to hide her smirk.

"Fuck you!" says the QOTV, laughing.

Lack of reflection is why you rarely meet vampires who are runway models,

Or news anchors,

Or actresses in community theatre.

All those perfectly-coiffed movie vampires? Pure fiction. How would it be done? Staff?

The QOTV comes out and noisily drops into a booth across from her friend, the Dark Haired Chick. (The QOTV becomes fiercely jealous if anyone else sits there.)

"Everyone here are such bitches!" the QOTV complains.

"I heard that," says Denise, without looking up.

"And proud of it, too," chimes in the Succubus, lighting a cigarette with her fingertip.

It is morning at Danny's.

There is a dead guy on the floor.

Don't worry, though.

God will get to him after her break.


Click on the title "Blackberry Way", at the top, to see where I shamelessly stole the title from.


  1. Well done!
    Or should I say rare, as the QOTV likes to eat them?

  2. I enjoyed your story way more than the movie! Well done! My only question is how will the world keep going without such an important person! LOL!

  3. Genuine Black Cat Magick at it's best!


  4. For dessert, might I suggest the woman who details the entire history of her dysfunctional relationship over the cell phone? She's the one standing behind me in the check-out line at Target.

  5. Shay -- I really like QOTV:~) I thought it was really funny about the mirror's so true! They always make vampires look so good and yet, if you can't see yourself, it's kind of hard to look really good:~)

    Danny's would a verrrry interesting place to visit. If I ever go, I have to remember not to bring my blackberry! I do hope QOTV will come back and visit again. She's fun:~)

  6. The succubus lights a cigarette with her fingertips, there's a dead on the floor...just another morning at Danny's. I love it!

    I think we need a webcam at Danny's. I want to know what goes on there 24/7!

  7. PS - Meant to write "dead guy"...second cup of espresso today and it's not even lunch time!!

  8. Nice.

    A good appetizer to start the day.

  9. Having just received a phone call from my hubby from Chicago (on his blackberry, carrying a briefcase) I am soooo relieved he's okay. :)

    I'm so happy to know there are places where it is safe to call the QOTV "toots". I wish she would drop by my coffee shop...sigh...

  10. Yeah, Shay, I just could not stay out of it forever--HEY! Yours is STILL the place to come for THE stories...I love to keep track of your Peeps--as if that's possible -g-

    I also didn't get much out of the movie, but the story? I'm still shaking my head and smiling. Thanks!

  11. Perfect accompanying photo. Is it hard to find those? Or do you just go to Flickr until you find an image you like, then write a poem around it? :)

  12. Cinder, the poems nearly always come first, then I hunt down the pix. ;-) I searched "cell phone idiot" to find this one lol.

  13. Haven't we all felt like doing what the QOTV did at one time or another?

    A woman at Winner's the other day (kind of like your T.J.Maxx, I think?!) was talking SO loud on her bluetooth headset so that the entire store could hear how important she was, and what meetings she will or will not attend. I nearly sucker punched her.

    Yep, it's that time. :)
    Yuck yuck yuck....

  14. Can you bring that black panther to Portland? :) There are a few people on cell phones I'd like to introduce ;)


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