Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Horrors Beyond Naming, and the Forbidden Door Thrown Wide

The learned and august Professor Linwood Dinwiddie-MacCuthbert III
showed his horrible,
unnatural handiwork
to me.

The first one, released,
was some sort of semi-human beast;
when the cage door opened, it scrabbled to my feet--
smiling horribly,
quivering disturbingly,
it recited these words:

"My penis
dwarfs all creation!
Every person, idea, and nation!
Such a splendid sword is mine,

Stop this, I cried.
You're a monster, MacCuthbert, I accused,
to compel another human being
for your purposes used
so cruelly
and awfully abused.
Um....are ALL of his poems like this?
I inquired, about the loathsome creature in our midst.

Yes! Each and every one! cried Linwood Dinwiddie MacCuthbert III.
All sixteen thousand two hundred and three
which I have so far heard
contain some variation
of the P word.

I was revived with salts.

Next, the fiend showed me a woman so altered,
she could write of nothing but bunnies and flowers.
I'm shocked at you, Linwood,
to think that you ever could
create such wretches here in your study
spouting preposterous poetry so cruddy
that I scarce can believe
such things exist at all.

He had saved the most terrifying abomination for last.
MacCuthbert moved to a door and threw aside the latch,
revealing a wraith dressed in bustle and corset
claiming to have arrived on the most recent train from Dorset!
It speaks! I gasped.
It seems deranged!
Has it got a soul? A brain?
I hardly dared ask...a name???

Linwood Dinwiddie MacCuthbert III ceased at that hour
to be my old friend at all, but a lion to devour
all that is good
and right,
and orderly in the world.
Its name is "Fireblossom" he drooled.
MacCuthbert the blasphemer!
The madman!
The unhinged, unreasoning ghoul!

Leave her to me, I said sternly,
and he relinquished the hellish girl to my keeping
at Miss Pennyfarthing-Sevier's
Finishing School.

We have become uncommonly close.

for Kerry's spifftastic steampunk challenge at Real Toads


Buddah Moskowitz said...

Oh, you naughty, naughty girl. Not everything I write is about Napoleon, sometimes I write about God or Death or some other abstraction sans genitalia. Technically, I loved the internal (infernal) rhyming schemes. Organically, I loved it - thought it was funny, and wht de hell am steampunk anyhoo? I guess I got to get back on the internetmachine and do some learning. Sending a big hug and smooch your way, Mosk the Eunich

Mary Ann Potter said...

Oh, so very different and so very, very good! I was struck by the name - spread over two lines! - and then continued to be struck till the ending. Cool.

hedgewitch said...

HA! Love the names, the twisted and warped poitry-propounders and the whole concept of anyone subduing the immortal Fireblossom to a mere wraith--though I hear corsets can do that..much the fun with this one.

Sherry Blue Sky said...

I loved this from grand title to last steampunkish word. SO enjoyable!!!!!!!

HermanTurnip said...

"Miss Pennyfarthing-Sevier's
Finishing School."

Little known fact: PSCFS was voted as this year's best party school by White Knuckle Ruler Nun Brigade Magazine.

Hannah said...

Oh, this was good fun, Shay!! I love the rhyme sprinkled madly about and all of the curious and curious-er names that you have spun!! Such very great fun!! Smiles!

Mama Zen said...

Uni says "penis!"

Marian said...

what, it's not usual for a Penis to Dwarf all Creation? huh.

Sioux said...

Fireblossom + a penis = fun(ny) stuff

Lydia said...

I am practically speechless, as my brain is currently tweaking out on an unknown volt. When it returns to normal it will have rave reviews.

Just saw a clip of this tonight on Letterman. In honor of your third stanza, big stick.

Lynn said...


Kerry O'Connor said...

Ha! I love the names of the vile antagonists - something about those double-barreled seconds and thirds...
and the whole setup is marvelous. I felt the strictures of Victorian society, but felt relieved to think the Fireblossom might be more than a match for this particular Finishing School.

ellen abbott said...


Helen said...

Oh so great!!

TALON said...

What can I say? What an epic re-introduction to Shay's world :)

Lolamouse said...

Your story overflows with fabulousity! The names alone are just great!

Sara said...

Okay...I'm very late to this delightful play. I went to the other one first and then realized I needed to know more...

What a wonderful and creative story you conjured. I love the era you placed in. Fireblossom will be in good hands:~)

my heart's love songs said...

f**king AWESOME!!!!

Isadora Gruye said...

I should have known you would rise to this steam punk challenge. you embraced the spirit of steam in the theme but also the voice of the damn thing (the damn great poem that is) is just so fucking spot on, somewhere between Victorian and Joan Jett.

Viva la