Reanimated Lavender Granola Switchblade Nun rides again.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Relentless Tides Of Time

Hello, poetry lovers. Nurse has kindly wheeled me in front of one of these new-fangled cornpooters so that I may talk to all of you today. Do you like the tender scene in the picture above? That little boy is my younger cousin. I was already in high school by the time the dinosaurs appeared.

It's sad. Boy scouts are no longer content just to take my arm to help me across the street. Oh nooOOoooo. They call 911 and have the paramedics unfold a gurney. When I do drugs, they come out of a little plastic box with compartments for each day of the week. Fuck it,  just take a few of everything and wait to see what happens.

At this mummified stage of my life, my biggest thrill is watching infomercials for scooter chairs and reverse mortgages. I have recently been added to the municipal register as a historic building. Scientists are always pestering me to let them carbon date me.

Yes, it's my birthday today. I have only one wish: for Emmylou Harris to declare herself a lesbian, get rid of her husband (if she has one...I'm not sure), move to Michigan and support me in the style I wish to become accustomed to, while fulfilling my every erotic fantasy. Oh, I know, that could never really happen. I mean, why would a fantastic gal like Emmylou ever want to live in Michigan?

I'd settle for Laura Petrie. Couldn't she learn to go "Oh Shayyyyyy!" instead?


  1. Happy birthday, poet (who is always just turning 21)!

  2. Happy Birthday, Shay, and remember, decrepit and almost senile as you are, you will always be younger than me. I know, not as good as Emmy Lou, but it's all I got.

  3. Happy Birthday, Shay. Does that make you a Gemini, like me?

    (And it's the ___ anniversary of your ___ birthday, right?)

    Fortunately for our fondness of fine writing, you're not getting older...just better. Unfortunately for our envious nature, you're like fine wine or well-made wooden furniture--you're just getting more delicious and more "seasoned" every year.

    Drink some Bolthouse. It's heaven in a bottle...

  4. Happy Birthday Gorgeous ... today is the first day of the rest of your life .. use it well . xoxo

  5. If there's one thing about a Gemini I know (from first hand experience) it's that they hate the think of themselves as growing old. I read this as your defense against such a natural atrocity: the whole fantasy of an old age home could never really come true, could it?

    Here's the secret others don't know. Geminis live their inner child - they perceive themselves as ageless, despite the evidence to the contrary in mirrors and shop-window reflections. Puhleeze!! You'll be young the day you die. What's a number?

    PS. Have a wonderful whatchmacallit day!!

  6. So, what? did you and Joan Jett have a falling out?

    happy birthday sweet thing.

  7. oh, girlie! happy birthday to you, great fossilized one. :)

  8. A very happy birthday to you, Shay! Par-tay! xoxo

  9. Feliz comple anos, mi amiga.

    Emmy lou Harris, huh?

    Michigan is a nice state. I like the lake front the hilly and rolling terrain. Now this is going to sound like Romney(you know that one candidate that's still trying to find himself and can't relate to us 'common folk') but I like the trees!

    Hope you you have a wonderful day and aging is a relative thing we all must partake in and all we can do is 'love every moment and everyone that will accept our love at that moment'. Isn't there an 'older' tune that says 'love the one your with'?

  10. Happy Birthday, kiddo. I had so much fun reading this - the cornpooter, the gurney to cross the street. You are so hilarious! Ageless and brilliant. Reading your work is always the best part of my day.

  11. Okay, this is one of the many reasons I love you: it's your birthday and you gave us a great poem for a present. Honey, if I could make your birthday wishes come true, I'd snap my fingers and they'd be yours. You're a real life treasure and I am so stinking happy to have met you.
    Happy Birthday Love from your Pal Moskowitz.

    I'm looking at scooter chairs and reverse mortgages ads too. Always wondered whatever happened to Fonzie and Robert Wagner.

  12. Since it's your special day, you can borrow my scooter chair.

    Happy Birthday, Shay!

  13. Happy Birthday oh great poetess! Perhaps you could try praying to St. Creola for your deepest wishes to be granted. I'm not sure you'd get them, but the results would surely be interesting!

  14. Funny, funny stuff. With a sense of humor like yours, you will never grow old. :)

  15. Happy belated birthday, beautiful.

    "Fuck it, just take a few of everything and wait to see what happens." ... I think this is an excellent plan. At some point, no matter what you take, you're killing and healing yourself at the same time. Ask my mother.

    I think Emmylou would move anywhere to be with you if she were able. Perhaps you should research her marital/parental status. :)

  16. belated happy birthday!!!

    if only dreams could come true...


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