Fuck a buncha poetry...

...it's time to find out your Queen name! (Guys, you get to serve us. Isn't that enough?)

My Queen name is Grayshades the Virginal. Well of course it is. What's yours?

Hi-yo, Fido!

I absolutely LOVE this ad! Apparently, it was run during the last Super Bore, er, I meant Super Bowl, but since I don't watch it, I hadn't seen the ad. 

I love this one, too...

 

eff you?

This would so be me.

But it's Laurel Coppock, whom you may recognize from her Toyota commercials. 

I Will Survive!

Fireblossom is experiencing a recurrence of her occasional messed-up shoulder, making typing a real chore. But don't worry...I will be back and I will survive!

Ad

I love this ad.

"I Sing The Body For Breakfast" by Stripey Rufftongue

8 nodda villaga...
leff sum bonez.
leff sum hair.

villaga nebba no where i wait...
may b here.
may b there.

nom nom me haff sum fun.
nom nom da villaga gone.

8 nodda villaga...
if u pass thru,
i eat u 2.
______

Well Fete Me And Feed Me Fish Heads...

...I got an award from Sara! (That's not Sara in the picture.)

You know Sara. She does the Sharing Connection blog! She gave me this 7 x 7 Award, which means I have to do this list of 7 "mosts" and then pass it on to 7 victims. This latter I cannot do. I don't know 7 people who will let me close enough to tag them. Pepper spray might be involved. So, I say no. Just no. 

But, I will do the "mosts"! Here they are. Read them. I'll know it if you don't. For your reading convenience, each link opens in a new window. I think of everything!  I should get an award! Oh wait, I did. Back to that. Back to the "mosts". 

Most Beautiful Post. I'm going to say "For Scorpio", which I just wrote less than a week ago. I almost didn't even post it. I got shy to say "I love you" so defenselessly.

Most Popular Post. "Le Printemps." The Spring. It was linked to both Magpies and One Shot Wednesday, and got 65 comments, making it my most popular, evah. Blogger lists my most viewed posts in my stats, but all of them are viewed mainly for the pictures that went with them, not for the posts themselves. So I am going by most comments instead.

Most Controversial Post. Well, I know which one that would be, but I'm going to let that particular sleeping dog lie. Let's go with my story "Blackbirds" which first appeared here at Word Garden, but since has moved over to my story blog Night Blooms. It is about a doubly forbidden love, murder, and...well, you'll just have to read it.

Most Helpful Post. Who else but my ever-helpful alter ego Babs St. Argent over at Objets D'art could have written anything so helpful as "How To Talk To Your Man"?

Most Surprisingly Successful Post. That has to be "The Hungry Pussycat", which was nothing but a bit of doggerel (catterel?) about an extraordinarily hungry feline who eats several states. It got 52 comments!

Most Underrated Post. Hands down, that has to be "The Hill Is Closer To Heaven", a short simple love poem that I have always thought was one of my best. It languishes with 5 comments.

And finally, Most Pride-Worthy Post: "Strippers." For all sorts of reasons.


Thank you, Sara, for thinking of me. Anyone who would like this award and its attendant labors, may pluck it! And thank you, readers.

Let's Dance!

Some total silliness to liven up your Friday...

Excelsior

"Melvin? I ran into our old neighbors today. They asked about you."

"Huh? Oh. Fine."

They have a new Escalade. You know, the Suburu is making that weird pinging noise again. Tom said he could get us a deal on--"

"Tom's a prick. Laurie's a slut."

"Melvin!"

(shrug)

"You know what, Melvin?"

(mumbling) "For god's sake..."

"I feel like some Twizzlers."

"Try the store."

"Well....I was hoping you'd go get some for me."

"Fuck that."

"Melvin!"

"What? Are your legs broken?"

"Do you even love me anymore, Mel?"

"Yeah. Wow, look at that dunk."

(sigh) "When we got married, all my friends were so jealous. I was marrying an astronaut!"

"Why don't you go to the store?"

"It's too far."

"It is not. I went to the freaking moon for chrissakes. You can go to the store."

"Well I don't trust the Suburu, and you won't let me take the Rover."

"So walk. It's good exercise." 

"Like you would know. C'mon, I want some Twizzlers. Be my knight in shining armor and get me some."

"What?"

"Goddamit, Melvin."

"The 7-11 is right around the corner. It's one small step for--"

"I swear to God, Melvin...don't say it."

_______

I Ruff You!

Mishka can say "I love you!"



And she can say Nooooooo!





Ha!

Superfluous Raccoons!

I love raccoons! I have several toy ones scattered around my house, and Bosco has one too. I think I like that they are smart and clean and steal stuff.

I didn't write a new poem since Monday. So sue me! Here are superfluous raccoons instead!

Rocker Chick

I don't have a new poem to post, so I'm posting this video which I think is from Austin City Limits. It's Emmylou singing a medley of old rock n roll tunes. I'm definitely lovin' the hand on the hip and the growl! (I swiped the vid from the fine 365 Days Of Emmylou Harris blog). Now it's here, cos it's my blog and i can. *sticks out tongue*

Vee Haff Informayshun!

As some of you have astutely discerned, I think Emmylou Harris is the second most fabulous human being on the planet after STWIASD (She To Whom I Am Slavishly Devoted). Only the most churlish of you would point out that Emmylou has no opinion about me, cos she, um, well, doesn't know I exist. 

But the wonderful blogger Sioux has alerted me to a really excellent article in the current issue of Garden & Gun magazine!  Garden & Gun??? Southerners...y'all are nucking futs! But the article is a fine one. Find it HERE.

Garden & Gun. What's next, Okra & Ought Sixes? 

This post approved by Giuseppe Verdi, kitten.

______

Love & Hate In The Word Garden

Oh, I LOVE that! Gawd, I HATE that! What, you ask? These!

I LOVE Breyer's ice cream. Especially the chocolate.

I HATE hummus. Yes, I've tried it. It sucks!

I LOVE Mayhem on the Allstate commercials. He seems to enjoy causing trouble. I like his smirk. And how he wears a suit but always has band-aids and stuff on his face.

I HATE the Progressive Insurance cashier chick. I didn't mind her at first, but now I hate her. If you're going to make us look at that pasty face and wear all white, lose the bright red lipstick. I don't hate her as much as I hate the Geico gecko though. Everything about the gecko is irritating. Newsflash: blinking every 2.1 seconds does not make you cute.

I LOVE my new cable channels. I could watch nothing but Investigation Discovery and Bio and be very happy.

I HATE my old favorites, A&E, TLC and regular Discovery Channel, because they have been taken over by stupid reality shows. You couldn't pay me to watch Gene Simmons, or pawn shop shows, or midgets.

I LOVE women's athletics! Bring on the NCAA tournament!

I HATE how, if the men's team is called the Snipes, the women's team will be called the Lady Snipes. It makes it sound like they will be shooting with one hand and sipping tea with their pinkies out with the other. They're there to compete and win, just like the men. Nobody calls the men the "Gentlemen Snipes." 

I LOVE getting older cos I know so much more about so many things than I did when I was young. I know who I am, and what pleases me. I know so much more about what matters, and what doesn't.

I HATE getting older cos my body gets bigger, slower and tireder.

I LOVE little gatherings

I HATE big mob scenes.

I LOVE humor, irreverence, reverence, patience and enthusiasm.

I HATE pretension, ego, fake boredom, real boredom and dogma.

I LOVE dogs.

And I LOVE my readers. :-) What do you love or hate?

_________

Mean Kitty

This video is 3 years old, but still a big favorite of mine. I haven't got any new poems, so maybe you'll enjoy Sparta instead. :-)

Oh Hai, Flub-possum Here

Oh Hai. Iz me, Flub-possum.

me not feel so gud latelee.

maybe is winterness joy suck...

maybe Ceiling Cat no like my happee azz.

Anyway, peeple gib advice.  Some say turn frown ubside down...

some say contack odder side

some say keep bizzy

odders say be creeateive.

all deez seem much the smartness.

Still, think me fownd problum.

Yay! Now Flub-possum kured!

U gotz odder queschuns, me try find anzers!

_______

The Black Ops Bread Truck

In the dawn comes the black ops bread truck--

I think you know the one I mean;

Switching out donuts in the misty dawn--

Swapping out custard for creme.



Darling, darling,

I've put a sugar-dusted mini to my eye

But, through the donut, you don't seem any sweeter,

So baby, this is goodbye.



The black ops bread truck people

Perform missions more twisted than a cruller;

But, lambchop, our love has grown stale,

And couldn't really get any duller.



Black ops bakery,

Swoop in, carry me off, like a loaf beneath your arm--

And then.....slap me around until I admit

This poem really sucks. Darn.



I guess I am really just a lightweight--

Like a smuggled-in bag of Happy Chips

Still, dear heart, you've been deposed

And all that other crappy shit...



Our crumby love has ended,

Our inventory is down to the bone--

Now I'm leaving with the black ops bread truck

But I leave you

this stupid

poem.

_____

My skills have clearly eroded.

Fireblossom's Monday Lethargy Rally

Hello readers. Welcome to Fireblossom's Monday Lethargy Rally. Sorry, there's no coffee because no one bothered to make any.

Here are the rules for Fireblossom's Monday Lethargy Rally:

• show up late and unprepared, if at all
• when addressing the group, mumble
• when addressed by the group, doze off in the middle of it
• bow to the Great Koala
• (koalas live exclusively on eucalyptus leaves, which makes them kind of stoned. If they run out of leaves, and the next tree is too far away, they starve rather than make the trip)
• tell everyone you know about Fireblossom's Monday Lethargy Rally, as long as you don't have to get out of your chair to do so
• zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
•  X   X
•     >
•  --------

Enjoy. And don't forget, any rally worth starting is worth fi

_______

Note: the maid pictured is not my friend Mama Zen's. If it were, she would be talking. This is my maid, who only knows one phrase in English..."maybe later, I'm on break"

Superfluous Post-Holiday Ski Vacation Pulp Novel Excerpt

"Janice," remarked Darlene, "I've just got to have that jello salad recipe of yours!"

"Oh sure!" answered Darlene brightly. "I think I wrote it down and taped it to your tonsils while you were sleeping. Let me check and make sure!"

Then Brad said, "Honey? We're going to miss the chair lift! Honey? Um....should I just go on ahead or...???"

"Brad," Janice finally replied, lifting a hand to her throat in dismay, "I think I left my mood ring in the chalet. I'm just going to run back for it. You go on ahead!"

Then, turning to Darlene, she said, "Come with?"


(From "Aspen Interlude" by Cynthia Smith, now in its fifteenth shocking printing!)

Random Filler

Hello, darlings. Your favorite old Irish washerwoman here. Speaking as a drudge, I can tell you that a woman's work is never done. At least, this week, it seems like mine isn't. And so you see, I have written nothing new in the past day and a half. It's just like my mother always said, I am a lazy slug no man will ever want to marry. Well, at least some good has come out of it!

Please forgive me for no poem today. Instead, I offer up a vision of what I might rather be doing, if I were not hunched over my wash like a galley slave, and if I were young, and hot, and could smile without showing all my missing teeth and catching my hand in the wringer. Oh well. Pass the Oxydol and damn the torpedoes.

Enjoy.