The Killing Cure

"I've heard all the songs that the children sing

I've listened to love's melodies

And felt my own music within me rise

Like a wind in the autumn trees"

--"River" written by Bill Staines

Those of you who've been lingering in the Word Garden for a while know that I frequently turn my dreams into poems. I had a dream last night that I want to tell you about, but turning it into a poem didn't seem right this time. So, I'm just going to tell it. Okay? Got your coffee? Cos this one is insisting that I tell it.

Lately I've been  on a 30s gangster kick, reading books and watching movies about them. No surprise that little ole femcentric me finds the women especially interesting. Bonnie Parker. Katharyn Kelly. Legend has it that when they came to arrest her man, Machine Gun Kelly, Katharyn threw her arms around him and lamented, "Those G Men are never going to let us alone!" thus coining the term "G Men."

So that probably accounts for why I dreamt I was part of a crime syndicate back in gangster days. The upside was that I was a good deal younger than I actually am. The downside was that I didn't seem to have any clear role apart from being Head Coffee Fetcher and Girlfriend. But then there came a job that only a woman could do.

It seems the big boss, who I had never even met, was in a hospital someplace and desperately ill. Moreover, the only thing that could save him was to receive blood transfusions from pregnant women. Something about the altered blood chemistry. Consult your doctor. In your dreams, of course. 

So I was basically told I had to help. In the dream, the deed itself was conveniently skipped over (Mac? Did you slip me a roofie? Be honest now...), and I found myself pregnant, though I didn't feel any different. A few weeks went by and the big boss recovered. So then some gangster in a fedora and spats handed me a little brown bottle and said I had to drink it. It looked like rat poison or something. I knew what it was for, but I did as I was told. Now you KNOW it was a dream, yes? Since when does Fireblossom just do as she is told? 

Up to now I've been pretty casual and goofy about this dream that I had. But what came next left me upset and disturbed after I woke up. I drank what was in the bottle and in a short while I began having cramps. As soon as they began, I realized two things: that I really did have a life inside me, and that I had destroyed it. I was desperate to undo what I had set in motion, but there was no way, it was too late. I felt horrible grief and guilt and loss. I knew I had done something terribly wrong and irretrievable. 

As I knew I would, I miscarried. Nobody else seemed concerned about anything except that it was one less problem to deal with. I tried to hide my distress, but I had to get out of there and get away from all of them. When I felt able, I walked outside. There was a rolling green lawn and a pretty iron fence painted glossy black, which divided the house we were in from our neighbor, who was none other than Gabriella Moonlight! She wasn't outside, but one of her dogs was, and he looked up at me like, "Hi, Shay!"

There was a little footbridge or stairway leading over to her yard, and I went over and fussed over her little dog for a while, to make myself feel better. He was so alive, and cheerful, and simple. Some guy poked his head out the door of the gangster hideout, looking for me. I could tell he didn't trust me and was making sure I hadn't run off. And that was it, the end of the dream.

When I woke up, I felt so bad about what I had done. For the record, politically, I am pro-choice, but this wasn't political, it was personal, and it broke my heart. Thanks, my readers, for letting me tell you about it.  


Kay said…
is the child inside you a replica of yourself? Giving in to the bottle and killing a piece of yourself??? or am I completly off here???

Dreams... they do have a way of distorting a morning.
Daryl said…
Dreams ... I love remembering the very involved ones ... but I never have tried to interpret ...
Debbie said…
I can certainly understand how this dream would be very upsetting. Dreams are so odd to me. I hope you can shake this one.
mac said…
Nope, no roofie, Shay. I like for all parties to remember those things ;-)

Perhaps, you are letting go of something that has been very important to you. Or, your dream is telling you you should?
TALON said…
Dreams that turn into nightmares...and all I could think is that you're entering a new phase of life (the birth) and leaving another part behind (the death).
CiCi said…
Some dreams reach to the deep places in us and hang on for awhile, don't they? I hope that by putting it out there in your post you will be able to think of in terms of dream and be glad you weren't really living it.
Mojo said…
Then his butler said
"I know of a bloke in jail
Who is hot on dreams
Could reveal old Pharaoh's tale"

(Still hung over from the 7 year famine from the other day.)
Unknown said…
I understand this dream imminently...and on so many levels...with Elliot... my baby...he is life incarnate indeed!

I have had dreams like this also have had to step back from my life in order to understand what it is that I needed to have revealed to has been a journey these past six months and this journey is somehow being shared with you in a parallel universe sort of way; although I am honored to share it with you the sadness that creeps in can sometimes knock me on my ass.

Elliot sends his sweet lubbins to you and you're babe too!!!!

Love you
Mama Zen said…
Just imagining the feeling of desperation to undo what you had done. What a horrible dream.
Cloudia said…
You are anything but stale! Lots going on in your if we didn't know.

MORE POEMS (crack of the whip :)

You can tell me anything....on your side always.

Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral
Ileana said…
I'm with Mama Zen...I could feel your pain, Chica. It sounds too vivid to let go and so horrible to recall, but I'm glad you shared it with us. It's touching and well expressed, my friend. Big hugs to my friend, Shay!! xo
ellen abbott said…
I know how it feels to have a disturbing dream and have it linger after waking. Not pleasant. I've had dreams that I wake up with tears.

I hope the telling has helped process it.
Jannie Funster said…
Dreams like that always leave me feeling bad for days.

I liek that part about the rolling green lawn, sounds like you were feeling put out to pasture? Just a wild stab.

But you'll nevr ever be put out ot pasture for me.

cinderkeys said…
I remember a dream like that. I did something unspeakably horrible and ran away. Actually, flew away. As sometimes happens in flying dreams, I realized I was dreaming. At first I felt relieved, because I hadn't actually harmed anyone. Then I thought, But I still intended to.

No answers or interpretations. Maybe you just needed to put yourself on alert for something you'll need to nurture.

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