Plastic Joy Award

Well. This is awkward. Ily has given me the Plastic Joy Award, and I am supposed to name five persons with whom I would like to get jiggy if I could. That's so cute. "If I could." Anyway, the thing is, everyone already knows that my list would look like this:

1. Joan Jett
2. Eva Larue
3. Joan Jett
4. Jordana Brewster
5. Joan Jett

Clearly, they've been delayed in traffic. I expected them by now. So, while I'm waiting, why don't we play a little game? Let's imagine that I've been hanging around with rampantly heterosexual persons such as Riot Kitty and Ily. 

Let's further imagine that I've begun to feel a little strange.

Then let's imagine still further, that they conspire to shove me into their giant Straightmaker Machine...

...and that I've emerged with a new view on things.

Suddenly, I'm going through men like M&M's. How can I choose just five? Well, it won't be easy, and I'll, um, have to conduct a great number of extremely private interviews, but for you, my readers, I have culled the herd and these five men have survived. (Note: the heartless Ily, after shoving me into the Straightmaker Machine, proceeded to scarf up Ed Harris, Andy Garcia and, of course, Johnny Depp right off the top. Who's left for me, Ily? Doctor Freaking Phil?)

Well, I have my little ways, just the same. And to prove it, here are my five:

1. Edward Norton. The man is just hot. Intense. Like he might buy you dinner or burn down the restaurant, depending on his mood at any given moment. Plus, in "The Illusionist", he plays a magician, a favorite archetype of mine. "Watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat!" That trick never works...for Bullwinkle. But for Edward Norton, I bet it would.

2. Sam Neil. He's understated, but he gives me the impression that he would be the kind of guy who would know where all the secret (and best) places to go are in some marvelous foreign city, and that he would have the means and the easy charm to make a gal feel as if she had found the secret to something, just because she was with him. And I like his smile.

3. Donald Sutherland. I know that Keifer is the default heart-throb these days, but though I have nothing against him, my heart belongs to daddy. There is a light in his eyes and his smile is something special indeed. I don't care if he's a hundred, the man is sexy. Plus, you all know how I am about rules. My sense is that, at heart. he is the same way. Whatever he has in mind, I'm game.

4. Don Cheadle. He's another one who seems to me to be in a constant state of slow simmer. I like his dark skin and eyes, and I like his smile, too, but what I like even more is when he is all brooding and complicated. I don't think he is probably ever entirely just one thing. You wouldn't ever have to cheat on him, you could just wait for the wind to shift and, presto, different guy. But the same, too. You know?

5. Jim Carrey. Really make me laugh, and I'll follow you anywhere. It's just attractive. But he also seems vulnerable in "Doing Time On Maple Drive" and "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind." And he seems like he would just be a nice guy. Is crime? Come to Natasha, Jeemy, I'm seeck of dat Boris. You and me, we haff goot time. ;-)

Oh my gosh, I feel dizzy...I think the effects of the StraightMaker Machine are wearing off. I hope Joan or Eva or Jordana get here soon! I'm going to go watch "The L Word" until they arrive. Meanwhile, please help yourselves to the Plastic Joy Award, if you'd like to participate. And there's Coke in the fridge. 

Poetry next post, I promise!

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