Sunday, September 2, 2012

The Stoned Cheerleader

The stoned cheerleader has chosen her activity unwisely.
Capricorns who carry pom-poms display a classic symptomology--
Clawing of the hands and digits,
Homicidal ideation,
And digestive upset.

Her cheers are different, and to some, mystifying or offensive.
Two, four, six, eight!
Who do we
tol-er-ate?
Homeville! Homeville! yeahhh!

or

Three, four, five, six!
Pencil necks and limp dicks!
Homeville High,
Score this time!

She is removed from the squad, and in short order, from the school,
After she assaults the Math Club with a fire extinguisher stolen from the hall.

Is there no sanctuary for the stoned cheerleader?
No tonic for her malaise?

The Accord of 1519
Outlines an agreed-upon series of steps for the banishing of witches.
Learned men hand down a list of crimes punishable under their aegis:
Intoxication.
Divination.
Conjuring.
Promiscuity,
and "The utterance of profane or unwholesome cheers, such as may cause others to stray from proper teaching."

On the evening of Graduation Day,
The Homeville town fathers arrest and try the stoned cheerleader,
After offering her the chance to wear long dresses, speak mildly, and attend Wednesday night bible study.
These kindnesses are met with hostility
And a suggestion that the mayor and aldermen should form a circle jerk and yank each other cross-eyed.

The unfortunate cheerleader is burnt,
The smoke from her body curling straight down to the devil.
The mayor is re-elected,
And the following year, Homeville High goes 9-1
Inspired by the new head cheerleader,
A Pisces.
_______

for Flipside's word list 9

stay tuned next time, when we find out why Scorpios make poor nuns!

13 comments:

Sherry Blue Sky said...

Another hilarious story from the inexhaustible vault of your creative genius. I love it, of course. Especially the Circle Jerk (a new and brilliant concept that Wild Woman now adds to her Now I've Heard Everything file:))

hedgewitch said...

HA! I think it was the sacrificial chant: "Goat! Team Goatse!" But what do I know? I am so laughing at the 'why Scorpios make poor nuns ' that I can hardly take in the wonders of the rest of this little gem. *cackles evilly off into the distance*

PS Goatse was a shock meme site of the original old school internet(add an x to the word, and you'll get the drift)--a malicious hacker's and prankster's paradise, and full of gross-out images.It was removed in 2004 for the good of mankind

TexWisGirl said...

you crack me up! :)

flipside records said...

I love you for writing this. It just had to be said.

I will be back tonight for a proper (improper?) comment. Happy Sunday, Shay. :)

Sioux said...

I think I knew that cheerleader.

Wonderful. Rollicking. I especially loved the second cheer.

Mama Zen said...

Make poor nuns do WHAT?

flipside records said...

I love MZ's comment. :)

These are my favorite parts of your poem, Shay:

"Capricorns who carry pom-poms display a classic symptomology" ... This stoned Cap girl was my best friend in high school, by the by. And I do believe she got kicked off the squad at some point or another. (Definitely got kicked off the newspaper staff for slipping an article past me, the editor, that was laced with drug lingo. I managed to talk my way out of trouble though.) As far as cheerleading goes, I tried out but never could make it.

"No tonic for her malaise?" ... The poor thing. :)

This is the "main idea" of your well-written essay on not deviating from the normal and expected path: "... such as may cause others to stray from proper teaching" ... In my opinion, it is never the loudmouth/outspoken one who does the most damage. It's the quiet one who ends up being more persuasive.

"After offering her the chance to wear long dresses, speak mildly, and attend Wednesday night bible study." ... These are the alternatives, aren't they? (Love your double meaning in "stoned," by the way.)

"yank each other cross-eyed" ... LOL

I cannot picture a Pisces being a cheerleader. But they are enchanting ... the true witches. A Cap may know how to shout, but a Pisces works quiet magic. So I see why she led them to victory ... with her eyes alone.

A very entertaining tale. More astrology poems, please. I love this. :)

Susan said...

"The stoned cheerleader has chosen her activity unwisely.
Capricorns who carry pom-poms display a classic symptomology--
Clawing of the hands and digits,
Homicidal ideation,
And digestive upset."

Goodness, this girl didn't have a chance!

"Is there no sanctuary for the stoned cheerleader?
No tonic for her malaise?"

An understatement in overstatement, when everyone plays there role so well. Where is the pied piper to save the children from the rats?

Lydia said...

This is not for dVerse's prompt about Rebellion? It sure fits!

I am a Capricorn, albeit not a proud one, but would never have been a cheerleader. If I had been forced to be a cheerleader, however, I would have been like this one. I love this character; she made me almost proud to be a Cappy!

Roselie said...

How original! I was intrigued even from the title!
Thank you for following me!!

Kerry O'Connor said...

I'm a sucker for a good astrology story and this one rocks. Your under-lying message about intolerance of women does not go unnoticed.

Far Beyond The Ridge said...

Hmm...wonder if i knew her. I actually DID steal sveral extinguishers from the halls. Did it at midnight through their shitty plastic skylights.
The bastards shot a stream 30 ft and i assaulted the entire town from shotgun in a 64 chevy.
Of course i got caught, cuz they knew it had to be me.
But the witch hunts were on hold back then so i survived.
Great story, shay!
Rick

myheartslovesongs.com said...

i agree Scorpio's don't make good nuns... we don't make good jockeys, rabbis, podiatrists, Libras, angels or eggplants, among other things.

goooooo team!