The Queen of the Vampires has a toothache.
This is a serious matter.
She manages to find a dentist with evening hours, and presents herself at the reception window.
The Queen of the Vampires is accustomed to people reacting to her presence with a certain fascinated fear;
A bored middle-aged woman slaps a clipboard down in front of her, and in an annoyingly nasal voice, says,
"Fill these out, honey."
People do not call the QOTV "honey."
They do not require her to fill out forms,
But her throbbing tooth induces her to sit down in one of the awful plastic chairs and begin.
She only gets as far as "age" before there is a problem.
Are they serious?
She skips it and moves to the next line.
Occupation? Vampire Queen.
How long at current position?
Fuckety fuck fuck fuck.
The QOTV goes back to the window and says, softly, "I want to be seen now."
The receptionist fails to consider her reply carefully enough,
And now the dentist will be hiring again, though he does not know it yet.
The QOTV shape-shifts into a black panther and moves sinuously through the inner door.
She sits down in front of the patient and licks her black lips with her surprisingly harmless-looking pink tongue.
Then she lets out with a heart-stopping feline scream.
Have you ever heard someone with dental apparatus in their mouth scream back?
Have you ever heard a novocained person say, "Holy shit! A fucking panther!"?
It sounds like this:
"Oh ee ih! A ucki anha!"
Then she finds herself alone.
The dentist had tried to run, like Ucki Anha Man had, but the QOTV did her best to persuade him to stay.
If only she could have resisted the instinct to shake him in her jaws.
She is going to need a new dentist.
The QOTV, beside herself with frustration, goes running out of the building and onto the night sidewalk.
Turning dramatically and striking a terrifying pose in front of a woman walking by,
The QOTV lets loose with another blood-curdling feline scream.
"Pussy pussy," says the Dark Haired Chick, for the passerby is none other.
She reaches and scratches under the QOTV's chin.
"What's up, bee-yatch?" she asks, smirking.
These two are friends.
"Danny's?" says D.H.C. with a tilt of her head.
"Rowww," replies the QOTV, almost like a housecat. This means, "I'm so there."
They go in.
God is waitressing tonight.
She looks at the QOTV and says, "Kitty kitty."
She looks at the D.H.C. and asks, "Get the dishes done?"
The QOTV and the D.H.C. grab a booth, and the QOTV immediately begins contentedly tearing up the upholstery on her side with her fearsome claws.
God brings two coffees.
"Rowww," says the QOTV. This means, "Mommy, my tooth hurts."
"Well let me see..."
Two seconds later, the toothache is gone.
(God is a fine dentist.)
The QOTV rolls over on her back in the booth, switching her tail in the air and going, "Row row rowwwr row,"
"I killed that fucking dentist, the one with all the stupid forms."
"Bad kitty!" say God and the D.H.C. in unison,
But they don't mean it.
Photograph: Jordana Brewster