Monday, May 11, 2015

Lizzie Borden

He cut himself shaving.
Yes, on the couch. He was cheap,
and bought those disposable things 
that are just a golden invitation to bloody accidents.

On the couch because he was too cheap to run any water.
Goodbye, horsehair sofa!
Now I can pitch that hideous thing.

No, you're right, that doesn't explain Mama.
Meteor shower, if you ask me, and you did. 
Through the open windows, of course.

Fall River, home of the snoopy neighbor
and the bigmouth gossip!
How am I supposed to live here, after this? I'm a victim.

Go on his computer, he had loads of enemies on Instagram.
They could have just blocked him!
No, it wasn't a murder, it was razors. You're confusing me.
Who does a girl have to kiss to get a Diet Coke around here?

That axe was already broken.
Bridget tried to chop down the equestrian statue in the town square with it.
Maybe she doesn't like horses, how should I know?
Hire bog Irish and that's what you get.

Look, do we have to do this right now?
I have a date for duckpins tonight.
(Mimicking the interviewer) "This is very important, Miss.
Seems like you'd want to clear this up, Miss."
I bet you don't get invited to many parties.

All he ever said was, "No, Lizzie. I forbid it, Lizzie."
Put a nickel in her and it was always "Listen to your father, Lizzie."
Now the cat's got his tongue,
wherever it is.

I have rights, you know.
I want a lawyer, one of those ones on tv 
that stands there and goes, "My client is innocent of these ludicrous charges,"
"This is a gross miscarriage of justice!"
and like that.

Maybe he stepped on a land mine.
Yes, in the middle of the parlor. 
There could be a rhinoceros standing there,
and Bridget would be all "Wut rin-aw-srus? You mean that wee horned thing?"
So, yes, a land mine. As if she'd take it out to the bins without being told.

I'm done here.
This isn't exactly CSI Fall River.
Your own people keep tromping through like a herd of retarded elephants,
every one of them a size twelve or better.
Anything that was here is gone.
Yes, including the razor.

See ya in the funny papers, Sherlock.
Oh don't look so down in the dumps.
I'll put a kick-starter thingie on my Facebook page 
to buy you a new magnifying glass.
Your eye will look THIS BIG when you look through it,
and then you'll see I didn't do it and you'll be all "So sorry, Miss," and I'll be like, whatever.



Anonymous said...


"Who does a girl have to kiss to get a Diet Coke around here?"

"Now the cat's got his tongue,
wherever it is."

I knew you would rock this topic.

hedgewitch said...

Mayhem and malicious snark go well together, I think. Just get a hold of George Zimmerman's lawyer and it will all be good. ;_)

TexWisGirl said...

what a hoot!

brudberg said...

In some cases not even the best magnifying glass can find the truth.... Of course I cringed at the thought of cutting myself to death with a plastic razor.. Let it be stated here: I always use machines..

Marian said...

Is this a local news story? Sigh.

Grandmother (Mary) said...

Lizzie's one gal you don't want to piss off!

Sanaa Rizvi said...

Quite a beautiful piece..!

Kerry O'Connor said...

One of the great unsolved mysteries. They definitely needed CSI back then. I always wanted to know why she did it. Something must have triggered the attacks.

Mama Zen said...


Buddah Moskowitz said...

Cool poemonologue.

De said...

Oh, man. That Diet Coke line in the middle just 'bout killed me. Pun intended. GREAT piece.

Anonymous said...

I am worried about the cat. But laughing. And intrigued. k.

Carrie Van Horn said...

Laughing at the front of the library again! This is perfect Shay!! :-))

Sherry Blue Sky said...

I loved the "who does a girl have to kiss".........loved this tall tale.........told as only you can do.

Fireblossom said...

Mama Zen-- Fuck you. LOL.

Rosemary Nissen-Wade said...

... and I'll be
like, whatever.

I love your Lizzie!

Gail said...

...and that's the truth.

Fun poem.

Lynn said...

Favorite line: "Goodbye, Horsehair sofa!" :)

Sara said...

LOL. Until you, I didn't realize how funny poetry could be. I laughed my way through this one.

I loved this line: "Your eye will look THIS BIG when you look through it."

I know it's weird, but even typing it makes me start laughing again!

K9friend said...

You have to love that cheeky Miss Lizzie.

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